When Speaking the Language of Love, Better Bring an Interpreter

Posted on February 14, 2011 by pegoleg

 

Cupid meets Fear Factor

 

Looking for a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone?

“Nothing says forever like a cockroach,” according to the Bronx Zoo.   For only $10, you can help raise funds for the Wildlife Conservation Society by naming one of their 58,000 giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your true love.

By all means support this worthwhile charity, but consider: 

Nothing says “The End Is Near” for your relationship like comparing your sweetie to a gigantic cockroach.

To make sure you don’t crash and burn on this, the high-holy day of love, I’ve compiled a list of common Valentine gifts and the messages they send:

Single, red rose: I stopped looking when I met you.
Single, red foil-wrapped chocolate rose: I stopped at the gas station mini-mart on the way over.

Tattoo of your name across his chest:  I’ll love you forever
Tattoo of World of Warcraft avatar babe across his chest: I’ll live in my parents’ basement forever.

Big box of chocolates: I adore you.
Big box of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast: I’d adore less of you.

Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to you: You’ll never know what you mean to me.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to Sheila:  You’ll never know about my wife and kids in Scranton.

Scanty, satin panties:  You drive me wild, woman!
Big, cotton bloomers: You drive me to band practice, Mom.

Gift certificate for some pampering: Let’s get together and let nature take its course.
Gift certificate for some Pampers: Nature already took its course.

Diamonds: We will spend the rest of our lives watching sunsets together.
Diamond walnuts:  We will spend the rest of the night on your couch watching “Jackass” together.

It’s not easy to communicate what’s in your heart.  When speaking the language of love, sometimes it’s better to bring an interpreter.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

T-Shirtable Quote Of The Day

Posted on February 11, 2011 by pegoleg

Bitter Divorcee Category

Quote provided courtesy of a jaded friend.

Posted in T-Shirtable Quote | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

New Language Discovered!

Posted on February 10, 2011 by pegoleg

Quickly adopted by politicians and advertisers.

Now better than ever! Really!

A little old lady was holding up my line at the grocery store.  She was trying to return a carton of ice cream.

“It says New & Improved but it tastes the same.” She said, peevishly.  “It costs more but there’s less ice cream!”

The checker didn’t understand the problem and the customer was frustrated.

“Perhaps I can be of assistance.” I said, smoothly.

“The carton is what’s new.”   I pointed to the words New & Improved printed in a big star on the package.  “It’s got a star on it now.” I turned the carton over “And the bottom is inverted a full inch.  Sure, you don’t get as much ice cream, but it DOES make it easier to stack.  That’s the improvement.”

“But…”the old lady looked bewildered, “that’s dishonest!”

“No,” I smiled gently, “That’s Euphemish.”

      Euphemish noun \’yü-fə-mish\
      a: A language, or dialect, featuring the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.
      Synonyms: Sugarcoat, spin, mislead, lie
      Origin: from the Greek, euphēmos auspicious, sounding good.

Preowned vehicles, sanitation and domestic engineers, vertically challenged –  Euphemish words and phrases have already worked their way into our everyday usage.  But few scholars, like myself, have undertaken formal study of the language.

Here, for the beginning student, are a few commonly used Euphemish phrases with their English translations:

  • New and Improved  Translation: One unimportant feature is NEW.  The seller hopes his cash flow will soon be IMPROVED.

See example above.

  • To serve you better  Translation:  To save us money.

Usually accompanies the announcement of something you won’t like, and about which you have no choice. For example:

  1.  Electric hand dryers instead of paper towels
  2.  Computerized phone operators instead of real people
  3.  Mandatory online anything – banking, bill paying, tax filing
  • Limited time offer  Translation:  Offer ends when all gullible people run out of money, or when the sun turns cold, whichever comes first.

Designed to create a sense of urgency totally out of proportion to the banality of the product being offered.

The Special offer variation promises a reduced price if the purchaser acts in the next 30 minutes, or is one of the first 200 callers.  The caller right before you was always the last person to qualify.  Known as the Yeti of the advertising world, the Special Offer is often described, but there have been no confirmed sightings.

  • Creating jobs  Translation:  Taking money from people who have jobs, to give to people who don’t, to complete tasks that nobody wants done.

Popular with those who subscribe to the Rumpelstiltskin Theory of Economics.

  •  Rate change  Translation:   It’s gonna cost more.

The word “change” when applied to rate, price, cost, etc. ALWAYS means an increase.  If the price were actually going down, that would be trumpeted clearly and repeatedly.  In English.

  • This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you  Translation:  This is going to hurt you. I’ll be fine.

Very popular with parents and politicians.

Some are born with an ear for the language.  These people usually gravitate toward careers in advertising, sales, packaging, and public office.  Natural ability, however, is not a requirement – Euphemish can be learned.

To that end, I am proud to announce the release of my just-completed Euphemish/English language guide by Peg-Co.  Advance copies may be reserved at a low, low introductory price.  For a limited time.

Posted in Euphemish, General Ramblings, Peg-Co Catalog | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Top Goat Selling Techniques

Posted on February 8, 2011 by pegoleg

Fashions by Moschino. Goat by Peg-o-Leg-o-Mutton Models.

I was reading a business magazine the other day when I came across an article: “Top Goat Selling Techniques.”  It was a major, national magazine targeting corporate America.   I was a little surprised the publishers thought that goats would be a hot topic with their readers, but I suppose sustainable living is very up-market nowadays.

Before reading what the experts had to say, I thought I’d dust off those old, analytical skills and compile my own list.  Here’s what I came up with:

Peg-o-leg’s Top Goat Selling Techniques

1)      Establish your brand:  You want your business to stand out.  First, come up with a catchy name like  The Nanny (Goat) Diaries, Ode to Billy Goat, Goat-to-Meeting, The Goatherd Round The World – you get the idea!  You might send out scratch-and-sniff cards announcing your sale.   When potential clients think of goats, you want them to think of you!    

2)      Set your price:  Start with Ebay to get a general idea of market pricing.  Then ask your friends – how much do they generally pay for goats?  You want to sell your goats for at least as much as you paid for them, and preferably more.  That generates what those of us in the business world call “profit”.

3)      Select the right advertising venue:  Sure, a hand written note tacked up on the bulletin board at the whole-foods co-op doesn’t cost much.  But don’t overlook a full-color fashion ad in the Sunday Magazine section of the New York Times.  It might be a better investment if it will reach more of your target market.  You’ll want to do some research on this.

4)      Don’t ignore social media:  Facebook, Twitter, LinkdIn, etc.   If you have just a few goats to sell (a herdette), it may not be worth your while to invest time and resources in these media.  If, however, this is going to be a continuing revenue stream for you, then you must be online to be relevant.  You can build rapport with potential clients by sending them fun and informative tweets “Hansel the #goat just butted me in the butt!@goatsrus”

5)      Choose your customers:  You may ask “Wouldn’t I want to sell to anyone willing to spend $$ on a goat?”  Not if you want repeat customers.  They are the lifeblood of any business!  Ask potential clients probing questions – “Do you have some place to put a goat?  Any zoning to worry about?  Leash laws?  How about your neighbors?  Will they have issues with their laundry and UPS packages possibly being eaten?”   A buyer living in a 400 square foot, 3rd floor walk-up in the Village is probably a disgruntled refund situation in the making.  A successful business owner practically has to be able to predict the future!

I was feeling pretty confident with my analysis, and eager to see how it stacked up against the experts as I opened the magazine to read the article:  “Top Goal Setting Techniques”.

“Top GoaL SeTTing Techniques.”  Not “Top GoaT SeLLing Techniques.”

I guess that would make more sense.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 23 Comments

The Best 10 Minutes Of The Day

Posted on February 7, 2011 by pegoleg

 
Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz   The sand is warm under the towel.  A jasmine-scented breeze cools my back, bared to the hot sun.   The pounding surf is a lullaby.

The piper must be paid.

Bzzzz Bzzz Bzzz  A bee?  Is there a bee on the beach?  Bzzzz Bzzz Bzzz  Lazily annoyed, I swipe it away.  And hit the headboard.

Bzzz Bzzzz Bzzz   I lift my head and crack open my eyes.  Through the tiny slits that are all I will allow this unwelcome, new reality, I see gray, gray early morning light filtered by crystal ice stalactites outside the window.  The cold air of the room insults the back of my neck, now uncovered by the fallen-away blanket.  Bzzz Bzzz Bzzzz

Still more unconscious than conscious, I reach out.  Like a circus acrobat my body goes through its routine without a look, without a thought.  My muscles, my bones know the distance to reach, what amount of pressure to apply – not a thump, just a gentle tap. Bzzz Bzzzz Bz-

Then all is blissful silence.

I burrow deep into my down cocoon, sinking through space and time.  The sand is warm on my cheek through the towel.  The sun heats, the breeze cools.  The sound of the surf lulls me anew.

This is only a respite.  The piper must be paid.  But I have stolen another 10 minutes from those greedy tyrants; have to, should and must.   They are the best 10 minutes of the day.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I Am The Secret Love Child of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck

Posted on February 3, 2011 by pegoleg

I think I have dad's chin.

I’m tired of living a lie.  I’ve kept quiet as long as I could, but the time has come to speak out.  I suspect I am the secret love child of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck.

I have long thought that my “parents” weren’t really my PARENTS.  They are worthy people, no doubt.  They can actually be pretty funny at times, but there’s none of that rapier-like writing wit that must, must be my heritage.  I feel it in my bones!

My quest for the truth started in earnest when I began this blog just a few, short months ago.  “You remind me of Dave Barry,” someone said.  “You remind me of Erma Bombeck,” someone else said.   Coincidence?  Empty flattery?  My own delusions of writing grandeur?  I think not.

Surely this must mean that their blood flows in my veins!

I know what you’re thinking.  Given the fact that he’s not much older than I am, Dave must have been a rather precocious child.  To which I reply – who are you to judge him?

I’m not going to delve into Dave and Erma’s relationship.  That is their business.  I’m sure they had their reasons.  I ask that all of you respect my parents’ privacy and not indulge in prurient speculation. 

I don’t want to hurt anyone by this revelation.  My foster parents, Bill and Mary (as I now call them), couldn’t have been more wonderful if I had truly been one of their own. (Although Bill and Mary aren’t big on the internet, I’m sure some “helpful” foster-sibling will bring this post to their attention in a blatant attempt to have me cut out of their will.  I’m hoping this testimonial is enough to at least get me through the door at the next family event.)

All I want is the truth, and my just deserts after more than 50 years of silence.

To their acknowledged families I say, I’m not looking for fame or money. I don’t want a share of anybody’s estate (although many would say that was my due.)  All I want is a chance to get to know my real family.  My roots.

It is sad that I will never meet Erma Bombeck.  The world lost a truly gifted writer when she passed.  From all accounts, she was also a genuinely nice person.

But there’s still time for Dave Barry and me to get to know one another.   We can have a meaningful relationship in our remaining years.    And so I ask, if you’re reading this, Dave……

Dad……..

Can I borrow the keys to the Miami Herald tonight?

p.s. I sent a link to my blog to Dave Barry this morning – he shouldn’t be the last to know – and just got an email back:

Dear Peg --
Thanks! Erma and I are very proud. 
Best, 
Dave Barry

What a fun guy!  Dear old dad…(fond sigh)

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 24 Comments

How’s An Honest Writer Supposed to Compete with Nekked Bubbies?

Posted on February 1, 2011 by pegoleg
 
 

Photo of nekked boobs courtesy of unknown blogger. Embellishment added by author.

An Open Letter To WordPress

My post yesterday was a witty rant about the improper use of stop signs.  Nobody actually read it, though, because WordPress put my stop sign picture up next to a shot of a naked young woman.

Which do you think got more attention?

Both pictures have been reproduced here for comparison.  I added the red sweater.   Apparently they do things a little differently where she comes from, but here in Illinois, it is generally considered “not the thing” to go out wearing nothing but an umbrella in January.

For those not familiar with WordPress, bloggers classify their posts by topic, which are called Tags.  They might choose music, health, news, etc.  Readers can check out the day’s posts for topics of interest to them. 

My offerings tend to be under the humor tag.   “Says who?” you’re thinking, but that’s still where you’ll find me most days.

After I post, I go to the humor page to check out the competition.  This morning my stop sign was posted right next to a picture of a nubile, naked young woman, frolicking in the rain.

Let’s face it   When faced with a picture of a stop sign (albeit cleverly altered) and an X-rated little mermaid, the stop sign is going to lose with just about every demographic:

1)  Most men (and women interested in that sort of thing) say – what stop sign?

2)  Women not interested in that sort of thing are still distracted by comparing the boobs to their own assets.  The stop sign is ignored.

3)  Those offended or affronted or plain old surprised by the unexpected boobage avert their eyes and scurry away, thereby missing my stop sign.

I took a brief look in on my blogging neighbor’s post.  It was not high art.  Nonetheless, I suspect he got a lot more hits than I did today.  Since successful blogging is all about number of hits, I lose. 

Miss Nubile Boobile and my stop sign marched along together on the humor pages throughout the day.  First we were on page 1, then 2, then page 6 as the day went on.  We finally went off into the sunset of blogging obscurity together.

I’m not asking for censorship.  I just want a level playing field.  I don’t think the average visitor to the humor page is necessarily looking for porn.  So it’s distracting.  Maybe WordPress could subdivide the humor tag into: actually funny (ish) and nekked pictures.  Or adult humor (as in humor for adults) and adult humor (as in junior-high humor involving porno). 

Perhaps I should fight fire with fire.  I can post nudie photos, too.  Given my blog’s point of view, I would go with a nude, middle-aged woman frolicking in the rain.

Never mind.  I’ll get more hits with the stop sign.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 12 Comments

Stop Sign 101 – A Refresher Course

Posted on January 31, 2011 by pegoleg

 

Sign at the corner of Apathetic and Rude

What is a stop sign?  What should you do when you see one? 

There seems to be a lot of confusion out there about these seemingly simple concepts.   Here is a short refresher course,  presented as a public service by the Institute for Highway And Traffic Etiquette, Do’s & Don’ts, and Obligations, Especially Concerning Lane Changes, Turn Signals and Stop Signs.

Lesson 1 – Stop Sign Basics

Perhaps you’ve noticed those bright, red, octagonal metal discs sprinkled about the highways and byways of our fair land.  They certainly add a cheery note to the landscape!   But they also serve a vital, traffic management function.

Here’s a little quiz to test your knowledge:

Question:

You see a stop sign up ahead on the right side of the road.  As you approach this sign, you should:

1)  slow down.

2)  OMG, u r so funny- lol

3)  “Mabel, when we get to the doctor’s office, going a steady, unyielding 15 mph – what’s that buzzing sound? –  I’m going to tell him there’s nothing wrong with my hearing, and if he knew anything about medicine, like his grandfather – now there was a good doctor…”

4)  Take your foot off the accelerator and apply firm pressure to the brake until the vehicle is no longer moving. Check traffic before proceeding.

Answer Key:

If you answered 1) you’re getting there.  At least you are not barreling through the intersection.  But read on for the correct answer.
If you answered 2) you are texting. Stop it.
If you answered 3) it may be time for a hearing aid.
If you answered 4) you got it right!

The basic purpose of the stop sign is, interestingly enough, to get you to stop.  That is because YOURS IS NOT THE ONLY VEHICLE ON THE ROADWAY.  This concept forms the cornerstone of safe driving practices.  It is a tough one for many drivers to grasp. 

Remember, the other drivers may not have stop signs on their sides.  That means the semi-truck driver, approaching on the road perpendicular to you, will keep driving at a brisk 70 mph.  He will slice through your little car like a hot knife through butter.  This is known as the T-bone phenomenon.

Some might say that ending up dead is a tough enough lesson in itself.  But there’s more.  Since this was your fault, you will be paying higher rates for car insurance long after you have shuffled off this mortal coil!

When considering what to do behind the wheel, I find it helpful to ask myself 2 questions:

1)  How would I feel if I were the other person?

2)  Will this course of action make me dead?

These are good questions to ask when faced with many of life’s choices.  Let your answers be your guide.

Now that we’ve mastered the basics, let’s move on to more complicated stop signage.

Lesson 2 – Helper Signs

Your stop sign may be adorned with another sign; a helper sign.  Kind of a traffic adverb, if you will.  This sign might say:
 

Oncoming traffic does not stop

Question:

What is your response to this?

1)  If they don’t have to stop, why should I?  I don’t think that’s fair.

2)  I will come to a complete stop, and not proceed until all cross traffic has cleared the intersection.

Answer Key:

If you answered 1) please revisit the above discussion on the T-bone phenomenon.
If you answered 2) you’re right!

4-way or All way

Question:

When you see this in connection with a stop sign you should:

1)  lol, ROFLMAO!!, chk out…

2)  “What’s that infernal buzzing I’ve been hearing for the last 20 minutes?  I told you the country has been going downhill since Hoover left office. What’s that, Mabel?  There’s an ambulance behind me?  Why don’t they turn on their sirens so a body would know they were there?”  

3)  Snigger about who you’d like to try a 4-way with.  

4)  Stop, check traffic going in all directions, and then proceed when it is your turn.

5)  Stop or slow down, then continue on your merry way, oblivious to any other drivers.

Answer Key:

If you answered 1) stop texting! Right now! Nobody cares about your electronic diarrhea.  If it’s important, pick up the phone and call the person. When you get home.
If you answered 2) you should have turned in your license years ago. Sorry.
If you answered 3) you’re a sick individual, and not in the “send flowers” way.
If you answered 4) congratulations, you are right, yet again!
If you answered 5), let’s go back to the fundamentals.

Remember when you were 4?  The preschool teacher taught you to SHARE the stuffed Barney and Baby Bop toys, and TAKE TURNS on the green, plastic caterpillar slide.  Well, this is just like that!  Stop does not mean stop, then go.  It means stop, check traffic, and then go in the order in which you arrived at the stop signs.

That means the person to the right of you, who wants to turn left, gets to do so.  Because SHE GOT TO THE STOP SIGN FIRST!   People who are turning don’t have a double stop sign that means they have to wait twice as long as those going straight.

Observe the double stop when turning.

We can SHARE the road, and TAKE TURNS at the 4-way stop.  I cannot stress this enough.  Not because of any teeth-gnashing experience of my own at the 4-way stop by McDonalds today at lunchtime, but because it just makes good driving sense.

I hope you found this refresher course helpful.  For our next lesson we’ll address a common problem for our European friends – roundabout etiquette.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

When Synonyms Are Not Synonymous

Posted on January 28, 2011 by pegoleg

A rose by any other name...would be a dandelion.

They say that people judge us by the words we use.  It is equally true that we show our own judgments by the words we choose.  Words can carry more baggage than the United Airlines carousel at O’Hare. 

I am constantly amazed at how supposedly impartial reporters manage to get their personal biases across, oh so subtly, with their choice of words.

As these examples from http://thesaurus.com show, words that are technically synonymous can have different meanings, loaded with praise or criticism.   (Synonyms are shown in bold italics.)

– Criticism: This rather negative term might be replaced with the observation of a neutral bystander, the more admiring appreciation, or a stern judgment rendered by a magistrate in robes and wig.  

– Thrifty:  With its brother, prudent, this is a desirable trait.  How different from the mean-spirited, Silas Marner connotations of penny-pinching or close-fisted.

– Wealthy: Something most of us would like to be, it goes along with the reassuring comfortable and admiring independent.  To the envious this is having it made, but made of money and rolling in it might be said with a slight sneer.  

 – Chubby:  A somewhat tolerant view of adipose, this is midway between the complimentary zaftig and disapproving tubby or fatty.

 – Investment:  This term, much in the political news lately, implies a prudent expenditure with an expectation of return almost reaching the level of a loan.   Others might classify money spent as a plain old expense.  Speculation is more risky and vested interests are self-serving.

 – Funny: Those of us toiling in the humor vineyards love this adjective, along with its clever cousin, witty. We might occasionally go for out-of-control hysterical, but rarely want to wear the foolish tag of silly.  

– Rant:  This implies a lack of logic and/or self-control.  An advocate might stump or declaim, which is a more reasonable enthusiasm.  It takes an elder statesman to orate.

– Lady:  A woman who exudes propriety.  She runs the gamut from a queen on her throne, to a doll – a plaything.  Some might call her a bitch.  You know what that connotes.

Having a large vocabulary means we can express our thoughts precisely. We have to be careful, though, because our choices often say as much about us as they do about the topic.   To the attentive listener, the subtle nuances of word choices speak volumes.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition

Posted on January 27, 2011 by pegoleg

Today is “Bring A Fellow-Blogger To Work” Day.

I’d like to introduce my readers to a great writer, and fellow Freshly Pressed honoree, Lisa at the Big Sheep Blog.  Readers, Lisa.  Lisa, readers.  Lisa is my new BBFF (blogging best friend forever). We’re having cyber-slumber parties, braiding one another’s hair and giggling about cute bloggers we’re crushing on.

We’re swapping blogs today!   What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition, presented below, is one of Lisa’s gems.  I know you’ll love her clever, quirky style.  I’m guest posting over on her site today.  Now that we’re all friends, check it out at:  http://bigsheepcommunications.wordpress.com/

*Warning:  Avoid any and all beverages while reading the Big Sheep Blog.  Explosive laughter may result in spontaneous expulsion of liquids through your nose.*

What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition

Have you ever watched TLC’s What Not to Wear?  Here’s a synopsis for those who haven’t. A chronically badly dressed woman is nominated by her loving, well-intentioned (or vindictive, you be the judge) friend or family member for a fashion intervention. Show hosts Stacy and Clinton ambush the woman, often at her workplace, and show her secretly taped footage of her fashion atrocities. She comes to NY, bringing her entire wardrobe with her. She is forced to try on a few of her favorite outfits, stand in a 360 degree mirror and endure humiliating commentary by the giggling hosts, who are incredulous about the hapless woman’s fashion offenses, until she either breaks down and sobs or flies into an angry rage. Each and every article of clothing is then insulted and tossed into a giant trash can.

Armed with $5,000, the woman then shops at the finest NY boutiques and department stores, following strict fashion rules set out by Stacy and Clinton. To complete the new look, her hair is professionally colored, cut and styled, and a famous make-up artist teaches her how to enhance her natural beauty. At the end, the woman, all polished and put together in her expensive new wardrobe, is grateful for both the outer and inner transformations that have magically occurred during her whirlwind week in NY.  

I suppose if you live in a major metropolitan area, that sort of transformation is possible and perhaps appropriate. From a small town perspective, however, it’s pretty ridiculous. The real challenge would be to transform these fashion pariahs while shopping only in their own communities. The small town edition would go something like this. The fashion victim is given $500 and sent out to the finest local department store, Walmart, where she must follow the following fashion rules:

§   Camouflage is universally unflattering and should be worn only when hunting. Counter-intuitive, I know, but you must trust the rules.

§   Housecoats and slippers are to be worn only in the house.

§   Women may not shop for jeans in the men’s department.

§   Women may not shop for professional clothes in the junior department and no one over the age of 11 should ever wear a Justin Bieber tee shirt. Ever.

§   Leather pants are appropriate only if a Harley is your main form of transportation.

 

After Walmart, it’s off to Shoetopia, aka Payless, where the BOGO specials (that’s “buy one, get one free” for the uninitiated) really stretch those remaining dollars. To complete the new wardrobe, the woman spends the afternoon being pampered at Beulah’s Beauty Barn and emerges with a new ‘do, colored, cut, and shellacked into Aqua Net perfection. Finally, a stop at the Dollar General to stock up on the finest in discount cosmetic products. The transformation is now complete.

So, what do you say Stacy and Clinton?  Are you up for the challenge?

Posted in Guest Post - Playing Musical Blogs | Tagged , , , , | 11 Comments