I’m tired of living a lie. I’ve kept quiet as long as I could, but the time has come to speak out. I suspect I am the secret love child of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck.
I have long thought that my “parents” weren’t really my PARENTS. They are worthy people, no doubt. They can actually be pretty funny at times, but there’s none of that rapier-like writing wit that must, must be my heritage. I feel it in my bones!
My quest for the truth started in earnest when I began this blog just a few, short months ago. “You remind me of Dave Barry,” someone said. “You remind me of Erma Bombeck,” someone else said. Coincidence? Empty flattery? My own delusions of writing grandeur? I think not.
Surely this must mean that their blood flows in my veins!
I know what you’re thinking. Given the fact that he’s not much older than I am, Dave must have been a rather precocious child. To which I reply – who are you to judge him?
I’m not going to delve into Dave and Erma’s relationship. That is their business. I’m sure they had their reasons. I ask that all of you respect my parents’ privacy and not indulge in prurient speculation.
I don’t want to hurt anyone by this revelation. My foster parents, Bill and Mary (as I now call them), couldn’t have been more wonderful if I had truly been one of their own. (Although Bill and Mary aren’t big on the internet, I’m sure some “helpful” foster-sibling will bring this post to their attention in a blatant attempt to have me cut out of their will. I’m hoping this testimonial is enough to at least get me through the door at the next family event.)
All I want is the truth, and my just deserts after more than 50 years of silence.
To their acknowledged families I say, I’m not looking for fame or money. I don’t want a share of anybody’s estate (although many would say that was my due.) All I want is a chance to get to know my real family. My roots.
It is sad that I will never meet Erma Bombeck. The world lost a truly gifted writer when she passed. From all accounts, she was also a genuinely nice person.
But there’s still time for Dave Barry and me to get to know one another. We can have a meaningful relationship in our remaining years. And so I ask, if you’re reading this, Dave……
Can I borrow the keys to the Miami Herald tonight?
p.s. I sent a link to my blog to Dave Barry this morning – he shouldn’t be the last to know – and just got an email back:
Dear Peg -- Thanks! Erma and I are very proud. Best, Dave Barry
What a fun guy! Dear old dad…(fond sigh)