What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition

Today is “Bring A Fellow-Blogger To Work” Day.

I’d like to introduce my readers to a great writer, and fellow Freshly Pressed honoree, Lisa at the Big Sheep Blog.  Readers, Lisa.  Lisa, readers.  Lisa is my new BBFF (blogging best friend forever). We’re having cyber-slumber parties, braiding one another’s hair and giggling about cute bloggers we’re crushing on.

We’re swapping blogs today!   What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition, presented below, is one of Lisa’s gems.  I know you’ll love her clever, quirky style.  I’m guest posting over on her site today.  Now that we’re all friends, check it out at:  http://bigsheepcommunications.wordpress.com/

*Warning:  Avoid any and all beverages while reading the Big Sheep Blog.  Explosive laughter may result in spontaneous expulsion of liquids through your nose.*

What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition

Have you ever watched TLC’s What Not to Wear?  Here’s a synopsis for those who haven’t. A chronically badly dressed woman is nominated by her loving, well-intentioned (or vindictive, you be the judge) friend or family member for a fashion intervention. Show hosts Stacy and Clinton ambush the woman, often at her workplace, and show her secretly taped footage of her fashion atrocities. She comes to NY, bringing her entire wardrobe with her. She is forced to try on a few of her favorite outfits, stand in a 360 degree mirror and endure humiliating commentary by the giggling hosts, who are incredulous about the hapless woman’s fashion offenses, until she either breaks down and sobs or flies into an angry rage. Each and every article of clothing is then insulted and tossed into a giant trash can.

Armed with $5,000, the woman then shops at the finest NY boutiques and department stores, following strict fashion rules set out by Stacy and Clinton. To complete the new look, her hair is professionally colored, cut and styled, and a famous make-up artist teaches her how to enhance her natural beauty. At the end, the woman, all polished and put together in her expensive new wardrobe, is grateful for both the outer and inner transformations that have magically occurred during her whirlwind week in NY.  

I suppose if you live in a major metropolitan area, that sort of transformation is possible and perhaps appropriate. From a small town perspective, however, it’s pretty ridiculous. The real challenge would be to transform these fashion pariahs while shopping only in their own communities. The small town edition would go something like this. The fashion victim is given $500 and sent out to the finest local department store, Walmart, where she must follow the following fashion rules:

§   Camouflage is universally unflattering and should be worn only when hunting. Counter-intuitive, I know, but you must trust the rules.

§   Housecoats and slippers are to be worn only in the house.

§   Women may not shop for jeans in the men’s department.

§   Women may not shop for professional clothes in the junior department and no one over the age of 11 should ever wear a Justin Bieber tee shirt. Ever.

§   Leather pants are appropriate only if a Harley is your main form of transportation.

 

After Walmart, it’s off to Shoetopia, aka Payless, where the BOGO specials (that’s “buy one, get one free” for the uninitiated) really stretch those remaining dollars. To complete the new wardrobe, the woman spends the afternoon being pampered at Beulah’s Beauty Barn and emerges with a new ‘do, colored, cut, and shellacked into Aqua Net perfection. Finally, a stop at the Dollar General to stock up on the finest in discount cosmetic products. The transformation is now complete.

So, what do you say Stacy and Clinton?  Are you up for the challenge?

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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11 Responses to What Not to Wear, the Small Town Edition

  1. Lakia Gordon says:

    LOL. I so love this article!! I watch this show from time to time and wonder why they go to these expensive stores. You can get some trendy things from Walmart hehehee. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s Lisa who shops at Wal-Mart. I only buy my camouflage overalls and good, “go-to-meetin” house slippers at Saks Fifth Ave.

      Like

      • bigsheepcommunications says:

        Come on, Peg, we all know from your very own blog that you have been known to shop at Walmart. Wait until Bloomies hears that Saks now has camouflage overalls!

        Like

  2. Libby says:

    Love it, Lisa!!! You are so funny… and such a similar writer to my amazingly talented sis, Peg-O-Leg. What a great idea to swap blogs for a day!! I can totally relate to the small-town shopping dilema. However, my big complaint is that if you are any size over a woman’s 14, the only thing you can find in the shops are Alfred Dunner moo-moo looking things with butterflies or sequins on 50/50 cotton/polyester sweatshirts and matching sweatpants! I know there has to be a designer who could develop cute clothes for those of us “fuller” gals who also want to look half decent! (Possible future blog??)

    Like

    • bigsheepcommunications says:

      Hi Libby! Oh, you’re so right. Some of the clothes-for-real-women-who-are-not-shaped-like-Barbie-dolls are really atrocious. The Walmart women’s size fashion buyer is either blind, demented, or just plain cruel.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        I don’t blame the buyer, it’s the designer. When did it become law that any blouse size 14 or larger must have 3/4 sleeves? Do fat women have such ginormously huge wrists that a long sleeve with button option is out of the question? (stepping quickly off soapbox)

        Like

  3. MKC says:

    Lib-I laughed out loud on your comments. Looks like we have 2 wits in the family.

    Like

  4. Libertarian says:

    Ya know, I have to add… you two bloggers need to start talking about something other than Sam Walton’s mega-stores!!! You’re giving them lots of free publicity!! What about the “little guys” like Meijer, K-Mart, Cosco, or the like??

    Like

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