Looking for a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift for that special someone?
“Nothing says forever like a cockroach,” according to the Bronx Zoo. For only $10, you can help raise funds for the Wildlife Conservation Society by naming one of their 58,000 giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches after your true love.
By all means support this worthwhile charity, but consider:
Nothing says “The End Is Near” for your relationship like comparing your sweetie to a gigantic cockroach.
To make sure you don’t crash and burn on this, the high-holy day of love, I’ve compiled a list of common Valentine gifts and the messages they send:
Single, red rose: I stopped looking when I met you.
Single, red foil-wrapped chocolate rose: I stopped at the gas station mini-mart on the way over.
Tattoo of your name across his chest: I’ll love you forever
Tattoo of World of Warcraft avatar babe across his chest: I’ll live in my parents’ basement forever.
Big box of chocolates: I adore you.
Big box of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast: I’d adore less of you.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to you: You’ll never know what you mean to me.
Valentines Day card with mushy poem addressed to Sheila: You’ll never know about my wife and kids in Scranton.
Scanty, satin panties: You drive me wild, woman!
Big, cotton bloomers: You drive me to band practice, Mom.
Gift certificate for some pampering: Let’s get together and let nature take its course.
Gift certificate for some Pampers: Nature already took its course.
Diamonds: We will spend the rest of our lives watching sunsets together.
Diamond walnuts: We will spend the rest of the night on your couch watching “Jackass” together.
It’s not easy to communicate what’s in your heart. When speaking the language of love, sometimes it’s better to bring an interpreter.