Google & The Bunny Bixler Obituary: A Cautionary Tale

Wish I'd had an Auntie Mame.

If a doctor declares a patient dead, and they aren’t, is that malpractice?  What if a blogger does the same thing?

I’ve noticed slightly more people than usual have been reading my blog in the last few days.  Nothing major, but still, an increase. 

WordPress, the magical stage upon which bloggers strut and fret their hour, has a backstage area called the Dashboard.  Only we kings (and queens) get to visit this gritty nerve center of our little fiefdoms. No stage door Johnny’s allowed, folks –sorry.

The Dashboard summarizes all sorts of stuff about our blogs, and tells us how many people are viewing our posts that day, or week.  Here we can access our Site Stats. One interesting feature of this is that you can tell what terms, put into a search engine like Google, led a reader to your post.  None of this reveals a specific reader’s information, however, lest you get paranoid that Big Brother is watching – just the statistics.

This is a magical/scary place that the wise blogger only briefly visits.  The unwary can get sucked down into the numbers vortex and lose large parts of their lives to the pursuit, kind of like World of Warcraft zombies. 

One might assume that my witty writing was finally catching on with the masses.  I did not so assume.  I cautiously entered the Land of Site Stats to try to find out why my numbers were up.  There I discovered that an amusing, yet largely ignored post of mine from last January was generating the buzz.

The post was R.I.P “Bunny” Bixler.  For those not familiar with the 1958 Rosalind Russell film “Auntie Mame”, 2 things:

     1) Bunny Bixler is a fictional character who is mentioned in the film, but whom we never meet
     2) Go rent the movie.  It’s delightful!

For those too lazy or uninterested to check out the actual post, I’ll summarize: I published a fictional obituary for the fictional Bunny Bixler, adding little details faithfully gleaned from the movie. 

Fast-forward 7 months (or 50 years?).  Some people have been searching for Bunny and ended up at my blog.   My post turned out to be 3rd on the list when I Googled Bunny Bixler.  Stalking through the other items on the list I discovered that Bunny Bixler is also the Nom de Chanteuse that has been assumed by a Pittsburgh drag queen.

Imagine that.

I have to wonder at the shock experienced by those searching for news of a favorite performer, or friend, only to come across her obituary.  Then to discover it was merely the meanderings of a straight, middle-aged hausfrau, clueless as to the new person inhabiting the persona…

For those who wandered over to my blog in this way, I say: since you’re here, please feel free to pull up a cyber-tuffet and stay.  Although I don’t specifically deal with LGBT issues, any and all readers are welcome.

If the real/unreal Bunny Bixler herself/himself happens to read this, I apologize for any confusion or angst my posting of your obituary has caused.  If anyone mentions it, just quote Mark Twain: “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

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Further Evidence That I Do Not Play Well With Others

*…Keeping time, time, time,
        In a sort of Runic rhyme,
          To the throbbing of the bells,
        Of the bells, bells, bells —
          To the sobbing of the bells;
        Keeping time, time, time,
          As he knells, knells, knells,
        In a happy Runic rhyme,
          To the rolling of the bells,
        Of the bells, bells, bells —
          To the tolling of the bells,
      Of the bells, bells, bells, bells,
          Bells, bells, bells —
To the moaning and the groaning of the bells.

 

I spent my lunch hour at the Goodwill store today.  Slowly, I meandered up and down the aisles looking for treasures. 

A china deviled-egg plate caught my eye in the housewares department.   My daughter Liz has a new apartment and, while she doesn’t yet cook, she is a devotee of the deviled-egg.  I picked it up, then put it back down.  I thought about it as I wandered and finally committed to bringing it home.  Don’t tell Liz. 

 There were a couple of cute outfits I felt compelled to try on. 

While in the dressing room, I heard a mom calling: “Justin…Justin?”.  Her tone was increasingly desperate.  As a mom of old, I knew that icy feeling of dread when your little bit of quicksilver is suddenly gone.  Hiding? Playing? Or worse?

When I got out of the dressing room, I stood still, trying to identify the calling woman; to offer my help.  I caught a glimpse of a little foot disappearing under a long rack of jeans as a voice came over the loudspeaker: “Justin; will a little boy named Justin please come to the service desk?”

Hunkering down beside the jeans I spied a dimpled hand and softly asked “Justin?  Is that you?  You have to come out now, honey.  Mommy’s worried about you.”

An adorable 3-year-old redhead peeped, then creeped reluctantly out from under the rack of long pants which had totally hidden him from view.  As I turned, my eye caught the frantic gaze of his young mother hurrying down the aisle.  I smiled reassuringly, then stepped aside so she could see her grinning imp.  With a brief, but heartfelt “thank you” she rushed by to snatch him up, to let the tears fall as she reassured herself he was alright, before starting in with the scolding that is always born of such worry.

There was an older man in the store while I was there.  He walked up and down the aisles with the aimless shuffle of the person who is killing time.  He rarely stood still, but kept moving – walking, shuffling.  How, you ask, do I know he kept moving?

He carried with him his intended purchase – a set of wind chimes.  The chimes rang freely.

Ring, ring, tinkle, chime. 

At first I couldn’t place the sound.  It took 10 minutes in the store before it pierced my consciousness.  Then I couldn’t NOT hear it.  It filled my head.

Clink, clank, the pealing chimes.

They chimed for 45 minutes straight, without pause; the entire time I was in the store.

Now growing louder, now growing fainter as our paths converged and parted.  Underscoring my dressing room deliberations, through the drama of the missing child, serving as backdrop for the egg plate dilemma – the shuffler provided a chiming soundtrack.

Endlessly he trudged through the store; endlessly, the wind-chime Sisyphus of the Goodwill.

This post is dedicated to that unknown man, who will never know how close he came to having the merrily tinkling, winkling bells of his chimes shoved up his….nose.

*This is part of the poem “The Bells” from the brilliant, tortured mind of Edgar Allen Poe.

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Writing: Wryly Whining And Whying

Trying to cut life down to size.

Someday, when I am a world-renowned writer, someone will want to interview me.  I will probably be really busy at that time, what with book signings and taking wheelbarrows full of money to the bank, so I thought it would be a good idea to interview myself now, while I have time on my hands.  I’ll just hand this transcript to the interviewer.

Future Oprah Replacement (FOR): “What do you write about?”
Me: “All kinds of stuff.  Things that strike me as absurd, things I wonder about, and things that tick me off.   Lots of the last category.“ 

FOR: “Where do you get your ideas?”
Me: “The comic/drama of everyday life.”

FOR: “Why do you use “humor” to do this?”
Me: “Why are you using quotation marks?
     In Harry Potter, Neville uses the Riddikulus spell to change Professor Snape into his grandmother, complete with flowered hat.   The spell turns something he fears into something that makes him laugh.  That’s what I try to do; use humor to demystify or defuse situations that bother or worry me.
     And yes, I am fully aware that I have just revealed that I am the most pathetic kind of Harry Potter geek – a middle-aged one.  But this is a time for baring one’s soul.”

FOR: “Do you think you’re a good writer?”
Me: “Sometimes as I write a post, I’m giggling like a total loon.  I crack myself up!  That may mean that I’m a good writer, but more likely I’m just not a very discerning reader. 
     I figure someday I will get a phone call from the selection committee informing me that I have just been awarded the Big, Dumb Doofus of the Year Award.”

FOR:  “Thank you for this soul-baring interview.  Can I have your autograph?”
Me: “That’s MAY I have your autograph.  And yes.  Yes, you may.”

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When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again…Hurrah?

Welcome home! Park the laundry U-Haul in the driveway...

When your kids go away to college, they enter the Grownup Twilight Zone

They enjoy most of the privileges of adulthood, with few of the responsibilities.  (One doesn’t count the minimal coursework required to keep one’s academic head above water.)  It is the best of both worlds for them. 

Although technically adults, as they will constantly remind you, most have the survival skills of newborn possums. 

It’s a shock to everyone’s system when they come home for the summer.  They are used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want, without parental supervision.  You, on the other hand, are used to getting a good night’s sleep.  You may also be used to moving freely through your own home without tripping over shoes, clothes and fast-food debris, dropped wherever the whim of the moment dictates.

Suddenly, everything changes.

I cried myself to sleep when our now-19-year-old daughter, Gwen, went away last fall.  I was inspired to write Bye-Bye Baby; my first blog post intended for a wider audience than just immediate family.  Now that she’s back home, we’re engaged in Bedtime Battles and Curfew Wars.

Gwen is a night owl.   My husband routinely stumbles downstairs at 2am to find her watching TV in the dark; eyes big with the glazed stare of the undead.   I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that – that’s just how some people are.  But unless you are a working vampire, staying up past 3am and sleeping until 2 in the afternoon smacks of slothfulness.  It also seems the kind of behavior that increases the odds that this child will end up as a permanent resident of my basement. 

Here's your afternoon wake-up call!

I guess I have more of a Poor Richard’s Almanac prejudice in me than I thought: “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”  

If I’m being honest I must admit to being a bit jealous.  If I have to get up early to hustle to work, how come she doesn’t?  Don’t get me wrong – she has a job.  But with the economy as bad as it is,  she isn’t getting many hours, and those few are all in the evening.

Although I grumble about her sleeping habits, that’s not the big issue.  It’s her ignoring curfew that makes me crazy.

We had a little talk when she first got home.  I said I expected her to be home by midnight on weekdays, as a courtesy to her father and me.  She rolled her eyes so violently I thought they would stick that way.

I know that if she were at school she could dance naked in a fountain all night and I wouldn’t have a clue (unless she called for bail money.)   But that’s the thing – I wouldn’t know it.  When she’s at home, I know when she’s not at home.  I can’t fully sleep when I know my baby is out-and-about in the wee hours, the probable next victim of every drunk driver or ax murderer on the streets. 

I worry.  Call me a bad mom. 

Gwen seems to think of the curfew as more of a guideline than a hard-and-fast rule.  This has lead to several unpleasant skirmishes, with resentment all around.

We didn’t have this problem with Liz, our oldest, probably because she was working a lot more hours, and had to be up early to get to her job.  Rebelling about staying out late isn’t an issue when you fall asleep on the couch at 9.

This summer has flown by.  Gwen will be going back to school in just one week.  Soon, there will be no more arguments.  I will enjoy peaceful nights of sleep, and an unimpeded stroll through my tidy home. 

And, once again, I will miss my little girl more than I can say.

Time to lay in a fresh supply of Kleenex.

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Biggest Loser: Family Edition. Doing the Cha-Cha

Doin' the diet dance.

“Step forward with the right foot, then again with the left.  Good!”

 “Now back one with the right foot.  That’s it.  Now cha-cha!”

The summer’s family weight loss challenge is like an Arthur Murray dance class.  Every week I do 2 steps forward, then the weekend comes and it’s 1 step back.  It’s a fun dance of flab! 

The backsliding takes place because all our friends and family celebrate get-togethers with food and drink.  That’s my problem.  I need to ditch this family, and these friends, and take up with people who train for triathlons every weekend. 

As reported in a previous Biggest Loser; Family Edition blog post, Party Like It’s 1999, it turns out that adult beverages have calories.  And these very same drinks seem to lead, inexorably, to bad food choices.  This weekend, it was wine, cheese, and of course, chocolate.  The exact same decadent double chocolate cake from Portillo’s that lured me in several weeks ago, showed up at Saturday’s party.  It mysteriously plunked it’s chocolateness right down in front of my chubby, drooling self.  I swear the Diet Gods are playing with me. 

Methinks I smell a saboteur.  I wonder if my brother-in-law, Pat, has a charge account at Portillo’s.

Fast-forward to today, midweek, and I am behaving.  On most days, lunch for me consists of a Lean Cuisine, or whichever of its brethren was on sale for $2 that week.  While placing today’s offering (lasagna) in the microwave, I chanced a glance at the package.  The top proudly proclaimed the meal had “Taste Beyond Words”.  As you might imagine, I was pretty eager for the timer to go off so I could dig in.

I was not beyond words.  Lots of them occurred to me.  Words like “flavorless” and “rubbery”,  “bland” and “cheese with the texture of Malto-Meal”.  OK, that last is a phrase.  The point is, I was not struck dumb by the exquisite flavor of this dish.

I cannot understand how the folks at Fake-Fat, Over-Salted Meal In A Cardboard Box, Inc. got this so wrong.

But at least the lasagna-like product accomplished its mission of filling up some of the empty places inside me (gastronomically, not emotionally) so I wouldn’t fall, like a ravening beast, on a co-worker’s Kentucky Fried Chicken carryout (the sadist.)

All the other challenge participants have been pretty quiet about their progress, which leaves me unsure of where I stand in the running.  I guess as long as I maintain the 2-1 ratio of losses to gains, I will continue to make progress.  I’m hoping that fable about the Tortoise and the Hare wasn’t all hogwash.  Maybe slow but steady will win the race.

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Cottage Style Decorating Tips From The Secret Service

Last week, The Washington Times reported that Vice President Joe Biden has collected $13,200 from the Secret Service since April to rent a cottage adjacent to his Wilmington, Delaware home.

Cottage style is so hot right now.  Here are some timely decorating tips from savvy Secret Service agents embracing the shabby chic cottage style:

Hoosier daddy:  Tape recorders, scrambling devices – stow all that bulky equipment in a Hoosier cabinet, pie safe or other old cupboard.  The important thing is that storage pieces retain the patina of peeling, old paint.

Pistol packin’ mama: Let’s face it, guns are just not very shabby chic.  But that can be remedied by fashioning a holster out of a vintage apron.  You can find specimens from the 30s through 50s for a song at flea markets.  Take your firearm from fierce to fun and folksy in minutes!

Stay in touch:  Earpieces are a fact of life for the busy agent on the go, but that techno look is so unromantic!  Female agents can accessorize by taking a plain-Jane headband and wrapping it in grosgrain ribbon.  Hot-glue the earpiece to the end and you’re ready for a day spent throwing yourself in front of an assassin’s bullet, or shopping at Pappagallo.  Men can hot-glue their earpieces inside snappy, vintage straw boaters.

Sound off: Any Secret Service hideout needs a sound proof room.  Make this obligatory interrogation haven a sweet retreat by hanging vintage quilts on the walls.  It doesn’t matter if they’re a little faded or threadbare; that just adds to the charm.

Duck and cover: Nothing says cottage like slouchy, white upholstered pieces.  Afraid those sessions of “friendly persuasion” with suspects will stain the furniture?  No worries!  Cotton duck slip covers whisk off and into the wash in a snap, and come out looking good as new.

Follow these fab tips and you will be well on your way to being able to serve and protect with cottage style.

Be sure to check back for more Secret Service decorating tips.  Future articles will include ideas gleaned from their $2,000 per month dude ranch retreat and the $4,000 per month Swiss chalet getaway.

Yodel–eh–hee-hoo!

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Zig or Zag?

Left or right...up or out?

I am not usually wishy-washy.  Which is why it was strange that I found myself stopped at the exit of the bank drive-through today, paralyzed by indecision.

I wondered, “Should I turn left or right?”

Out of nowhere it struck me that this little choice could have far-flung consequences.  What if I turned left and was hit by a truck?  Or what if I turned right and ran somebody over?

What if I ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time? 

You hear about people who are kept, either by accident or design, from boarding a plane that ends up going down in flames.  How they must shiver at what might have been, and marvel, probably for the rest of their lives, at their narrow escape. 

But that is rare.  We usually don’t get to know which of our choices might have saved our lives, or put us in harm’s way – how close we came to disaster, or to once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 

How much of our lives is random chance?

If I had spent $1 on a lottery ticket the last time I was at the gas station, might I have been the lucky one to win millions?  Why have I NOT been hit by falling debris from a disintegrating satellite?

How do we choose when to zig instead of zag?

Deciding which way to turn is a minor decision, one of dozens – maybe hundreds? – I make every day.  It’s no big deal.  Perhaps the question of choices and randomness hit me more today because it is my birthday.  The fact that I am 52 years old has me a little adrift. 

All this ran through my head during the 20 seconds I was stopped at the exit of the bank drive-through.  It doesn’t sound like a long time, but in the busy pace of daily life, it is an eternity.  It was long enough for the woman behind me to become impatient.  She was, no doubt, eager to get on with the business of making her own random life choices.  A blast of her horn brought me back to the here and now. 

I took a deep breath and turned left. 

Was that the right decision?  I don’t know.  But I won’t mourn the turn not taken.  We have to choose our turns and drive on down that road, every day.

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We Are Not Amused

How are we doing this evening?

When did waiters start asking, “How is everything tasting?”

They used to ask a general,  “How is everything?” 

You could reply to this question in lots of different ways:

  • “This fork is dirty.” or
  • “The vichyssoise is just like Mama used to make.” or
  • “Stifle that screaming 2-year-old in the corner before I choke him.” 

Now they don’t want to know about everything – just the taste.  Are we supposed to focus on the yumminess and, if it tastes ok, stop complaining?

I find this annoying.   I don’t know why, except that it is so obviously scripted.   A market research firm determined that asking the dining customer how the food tastes will elicit some desired response. Now, all the waiters at chain restaurants are trained to ask this.  I don’t like feeling manipulated.

Another thing, why do waiters say,  “How are we doing?”

I never know how to answer this:

  • “I’m not sure how YOU are doing, but WE are fine.” or
  • “Is that the royal we?”

I don’t mean to sound elitist, but there is no “we” here.  This is a clear-cut case of “us” the patrons, and “him” the waiter.  And the queen is the only person who gets to refer to herself in the plural.

Anyway, we took the kids to Red Lobster the other night for dinner.  Everyone was doing fine and the food tasted great.

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Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

These signs stimulate my blood pressure.

I was on the highway this weekend when I caught sight of one of those “Project funded by the Stimulus Plan” signs.   If you’ve ever seen a bull’s reaction when a red cape is waved tauntingly in its face, then you have a good idea of my reaction.

Matters were not helped by the fact that is was 90+ degrees out and I was stuck, stopped and not moving on the superhighway I had trusted to get me to my destination on time. Which did not happen.

I’ve read that these signs cost us taxpayers anywhere from $5 to 20 million.  That would be dollars.  And why?  Is there anyone who does not know that road construction is paid for by tax dollars?   Does that need to be advertised?

Businesses rent billboards to woo customers.  Is the government trying to talk us into a purchase?  I was not aware that we had a choice.  In my experience, we HAVE to get out our checkbooks whenever a politician wants something.

This got me thinking, though (which many would suggest is not a good thing.)   Sometimes a sign would be useful to give credit where credit is due.  Here are some that I would like to see:

 

 

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She Who Acts As Her Own Doctor Has a Fool For a Patient

Leading medical experts agree on my diagnosis.

I’m coming down with something.  When you’re going on 52 years old, you have to stay on top of this stuff.  I’ve had the symptoms for some time so I did a little research.  I consulted the Physicians Desk Reference, checked online sources and I’m now ready to diagnose me.

I am developing a nasty case of Pessimist’s Hypochondria.

Let’s examine the symptoms:

  • blood pressure is fine
  • cholesterol is pretty good
  • no diabetes
  • no heart disease
  • no chronic headaches
  • sleep just fine
  • no allergies or hay fever
  • not prone to colds, flu, bronchitis or pneumonia
  • no arthritis
  • have never broken any bones or other bits
  • no cancer
  • food goes in, goes down and goes out with very little fanfare
  • no chronic aches and pains

Although heart disease and diabetes run strongly in my family, I have neither.  My good cholesterol number should be higher.  Other than that, there’s nothing wrong with me.

In short, I am as healthy as a horse. 

I’m not complaining – far from it.  I know I have been undeservedly blessed.  But the fact that I AM so healthy means I’m not used to pain or aches or weird stuff going on in my body.  When something goes awry, I assume the worst. 

Here are some of my recurring diagnoses that never materialized:

     Headache: brain tumor or aneurysm just about to burst
     Woke up an hour early and couldn’t get back to sleep: the start of insomnia and/or chronic stress disorder
     Lump or bump: tumor
     Bruise on leg: leukemia
     Bites on legs: fleas
     Varicose veins: phlebitis or blood clot
     Brown spot, mole or new freckle: skin cancer, probably melanoma
     Need a little extra time in the bathroom, if you get my drift:  colon cancer
     Need to get to the bathroom STAT, if you get my drift: colon cancer
     Right hand a little stiff: carpel tunnel, will most likely never write again
     Sore throat: strep, leading to heart valve damage

We did have fleas once, so that one was a good call.

I don’t quack myself for all this stuff.  I don’t go to the doctor, or rush to get meds.  I just worry.  We don’t count the time I had my husband take me to the ER when I was sure I was having a heart attack.  Diagnosis?  Too much spicy salsa.

The sad fact is that the older I get, the more people I know and love who do have these terrible maladies.  And sometimes they do not recover.  It has become painfully obvious that bad things do, indeed, happen to some very good people.

But not to me.  At least not yet.

Being somewhat of a pessimist, I can’t help thinking my time is coming.  Nobody gets to skip merrily through life in good health.

In the meantime, I need to lighten up and enjoy my blessings.  Worrying gets me nowhere.  In fact, I’m probably developing an ulcer from all the worry.  My stomach has been a little gurgly lately…

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