I’m coming down with something. When you’re going on 52 years old, you have to stay on top of this stuff. I’ve had the symptoms for some time so I did a little research. I consulted the Physicians Desk Reference, checked online sources and I’m now ready to diagnose me.
I am developing a nasty case of Pessimist’s Hypochondria.
Let’s examine the symptoms:
- blood pressure is fine
- cholesterol is pretty good
- no diabetes
- no heart disease
- no chronic headaches
- sleep just fine
- no allergies or hay fever
- not prone to colds, flu, bronchitis or pneumonia
- no arthritis
- have never broken any bones or other bits
- no cancer
- food goes in, goes down and goes out with very little fanfare
- no chronic aches and pains
Although heart disease and diabetes run strongly in my family, I have neither. My good cholesterol number should be higher. Other than that, there’s nothing wrong with me.
In short, I am as healthy as a horse.
I’m not complaining – far from it. I know I have been undeservedly blessed. But the fact that I AM so healthy means I’m not used to pain or aches or weird stuff going on in my body. When something goes awry, I assume the worst.
Here are some of my recurring diagnoses that never materialized:
Headache: brain tumor or aneurysm just about to burst
Woke up an hour early and couldn’t get back to sleep: the start of insomnia and/or chronic stress disorder
Lump or bump: tumor
Bruise on leg: leukemia
Bites on legs: fleas
Varicose veins: phlebitis or blood clot
Brown spot, mole or new freckle: skin cancer, probably melanoma
Need a little extra time in the bathroom, if you get my drift: colon cancer
Need to get to the bathroom STAT, if you get my drift: colon cancer
Right hand a little stiff: carpel tunnel, will most likely never write again
Sore throat: strep, leading to heart valve damage
We did have fleas once, so that one was a good call.
I don’t quack myself for all this stuff. I don’t go to the doctor, or rush to get meds. I just worry. We don’t count the time I had my husband take me to the ER when I was sure I was having a heart attack. Diagnosis? Too much spicy salsa.
The sad fact is that the older I get, the more people I know and love who do have these terrible maladies. And sometimes they do not recover. It has become painfully obvious that bad things do, indeed, happen to some very good people.
But not to me. At least not yet.
Being somewhat of a pessimist, I can’t help thinking my time is coming. Nobody gets to skip merrily through life in good health.
In the meantime, I need to lighten up and enjoy my blessings. Worrying gets me nowhere. In fact, I’m probably developing an ulcer from all the worry. My stomach has been a little gurgly lately…