Someday, when I am a world-renowned writer, someone will want to interview me. I will probably be really busy at that time, what with book signings and taking wheelbarrows full of money to the bank, so I thought it would be a good idea to interview myself now, while I have time on my hands. I’ll just hand this transcript to the interviewer.
Future Oprah Replacement (FOR): “What do you write about?”
Me: “All kinds of stuff. Things that strike me as absurd, things I wonder about, and things that tick me off. Lots of the last category.“
FOR: “Where do you get your ideas?”
Me: “The comic/drama of everyday life.”
FOR: “Why do you use “humor” to do this?”
Me: “Why are you using quotation marks?
In Harry Potter, Neville uses the Riddikulus spell to change Professor Snape into his grandmother, complete with flowered hat. The spell turns something he fears into something that makes him laugh. That’s what I try to do; use humor to demystify or defuse situations that bother or worry me.
And yes, I am fully aware that I have just revealed that I am the most pathetic kind of Harry Potter geek – a middle-aged one. But this is a time for baring one’s soul.”
FOR: “Do you think you’re a good writer?”
Me: “Sometimes as I write a post, I’m giggling like a total loon. I crack myself up! That may mean that I’m a good writer, but more likely I’m just not a very discerning reader.
I figure someday I will get a phone call from the selection committee informing me that I have just been awarded the Big, Dumb Doofus of the Year Award.”
FOR: “Thank you for this soul-baring interview. Can I have your autograph?”
Me: “That’s MAY I have your autograph. And yes. Yes, you may.”