Blog Update: Intimate Strangers

Sometimes you don't get to know.

File under: Truth is stranger than fiction.

Last month I did a serious blog post about keeping my sister Lib company when she was in the hospital for a week. Another sister, Mary Kay, and I noticed a family who was also keeping vigil.  We felt close to them, and wondered what their story was.  The post is called “Intimate Strangers.”

Fast forward to last week.  Lib went to another hospital for a second opinion and a biopsy.   This is a huge hospital, several hours away from the first.  She would normally have been sent to the Neuro ward following the procedure, but they were full up.  She was sent down to the Trauma/Burn Unit Intensive Care for recovery.

Did I mention that this was a huge, sprawling hospital?  The Trauma/Burn unit was tucked away in a wing, down a long corridor, in one little corner of the place.  You had to be buzzed in to even visit.

Mary Kay and I were, once again, keeping vigil.  (Boy, when you think you’ve got it bad, just think of the poor souls in a burn unit.  But that’s a topic for another day.)  We left Lib to rest and were walking down the hallway in the unit, when I noticed a woman up ahead talking to two young men.  As we drew closer, I thought she looked familiar.  I turned to Mary Kay and silently jerked my head to the woman, a puzzled look on my face.

Mary Kay looked.  She recognized her the same moment it occurred to me.  I could practically see the light bulb going off over her head, just like in a cartoon.   It was the older woman from the other hospital!

I couldn’t help it.  Instead of walking politely by, I interrupted her conversation by blurting out “Weren’t you at another hospital last month?”.

As we babbled something about seeing her there, she seemed startled, but then looked at Mary Kay and said “I recognize you!” 

2-1/2 hours away, different place, one month later, Trauma/Burn unit instead of Neuro where we belonged – what are the odds? 

Unless this woman was a modern-day Job, chances are she was visiting the same person she had been with at the other hospital.  That meant he hadn’t died.  One question answered.

My sister Mary Kay is as polite and unpushy a person as you will ever meet.  She’s probably the only quiet one in our whole big, loud, nosy family.  That’s why I was taken aback when she started pumping this woman for information like she was interrogating a Russian spy. 

“We’re here with our sister who just had a biopsy.  That’s who we were with before, too.”  She paused, inviting return confidences.

“Oh?” the woman replied.

“And is your husband with you this time?” Mary Kay continued ruthlessly.  I fully expected a syringe of Sodium Pentothal to appear in her hand any second.

“No, he hasn’t been around for 35 years.” The woman replied.

Now we were getting somewhere!  The patient is NOT her husband. Sounds like a divorce situation.

That was all we were going to get.  Despite grilling techniques that would have done Bobby Flay proud, Mary Kay could not crack her.  We turned away with good wishes on both sides, no nearer to knowing the true story.

What does this teach us?

It IS a small world.  Life is full of strange coincidences.  And sometimes, the only story you get is the one you make up.

Posted in Cancer Schmancer | Tagged , , , , | 16 Comments

Soon I Will Be As Famous As Charlie Sheen, But I’m Not Nuts

Next stop, Crash & Burn Gultch!

“Winning”

Do you know about this?  Of course you’re familiar with the word.  But did you know that, thanks to Charlie Sheen, it is the latest catchphrase?

Think of catchphrases like cha-ching, as if, LOL, hubba-hubba; who knows where they come from?  You wake up one day and a new buzzword has arrived.  

Here’s the latest:             

                        Peg-o-Leg! 

Yes, my name is a soon-to-be-viral catchphrase.  What does it mean?  It’s a joyful announcement of triumph, of great accomplishment and congratulations.  Atta Boy… Good For You…. I Did It…Alert The Media…Whoo Hoo… Peg-o-Leg!

You pronounce this with emphasis on the first and third syllables.  It will often be accompanied by a hand smack.  Not an ordinary high 5, mind you.  Peg-o-Leg will ring out with a slap of two hands up high – real high.

I could also see it being used by hep-cats, the accents subdued and the last syllable drawn out: peg-o-leeeeegggg, exchanging a smooth slide on the gimme 5, down low, after a great jam session.  Miles Davis may be involved.

Soon I’ll be as famous as the originator of Winning.  The difference is I’m not hitching a ride on the Charlie Sheen Express, hurtling toward Crash & Burn Gulch, with the engineer the only one who can’t see the signs flashing by: “Bridge Out Ahead”.

I need your help to get this going.  When you’re telling everyone about the account you just landed, when you’ve just sunk a great shot, for every big moment of triumph: Peg-o-Leg!  When people ask what it means, give them a condescending, pitying-because-they-are-so-behind-the-times smile, and explain.

It’s like starting The Wave at a football stadium.  You feel like a big doofus the first few tries when you’re the only one standing up and waving your arms.  Then a few people near you buy in.  Now you’ve got a posse.  A few more waves, a few more people.  Then suddenly, it’s caught on like wildfire and goes all round the stadium.  

Months from now, you’ll be walking down the street and see a couple of junior high boys playing hoops.  One makes a basket.  They’ll bump chests and belt out Peg-o-Leg!

You’ll think, “Hey, I helped start that.  I was there for the birth of Peg-o-Leg!  I cut the umbilical cord and wiped off the cheesy vernix of Peg-o-Leg!  (But I didn’t watch the Peg-o-Leg afterbirth.  Yuck.)”

How will you feel?  Your heart will swell with pride.  You’ll want to jump up and, at the top of your lungs shout… well, you know.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 25 Comments

The Vehicular Gourmet Presents: Fine Automotive Dining

A typical Monday night meal.

Picture this: a grayish-brown burger on a squashed bun, greasy fries, all wrapped in paper and washed down with soda pop. 

Now picture this: chilled vichyssoise, steak, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, roasted fingerling potatoes and strawberries, served on linen and silver, and accompanied by a nice Sauvignon Blanc.   

Which would you rather have?   It’s no contest. 

So why are we eating so many meals like the first one?  Because we Americans live in our cars.   Trips to the bank and the shops blend into rides to and from soccer practice.  We have no choice but to forego elegance for the bland, fatty foods served up at the drive-thru, right? 

Add a top and a straw, and your best crystal is road-ready!

Wrong!

I, The Vehicular Gourmet, am on a mission to put the fine in automotive dining.   

Q: What is the primary challenge to fine automotive dining?
A: The fact that one should keep both eyes on the road, and at least one hand on the steering wheel.  This presents obstacles, but we can adapt.

First, we set the stage.   For those whose cars don’t come equipped with a bud vase, here’s an elegant solution.  Merely attach a perfect bloom to a green pipe cleaner, and wrap around the steering wheel.  I recommend placing the bloom at 12 o clock to leave 2 and 10 free for your hands – safety first!

The elegant Sac Soupcon

Eating is just “chowing down” without sterling silver and candlelight (it gives such a gentle glow to a lady’s complexion).   Some jurisdictions frown on tassels and baby shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror.  Check with your local authorities to see if this prohibition extends to candelabra.

Spills will happen, especially when you’re keeping both eyes on the road to avoid car accidents.  That is why I’ve invented the Full-body Damask Napkin.  This snowy white napkin covers the whole lap and most of the chest, extending up to fasten on your shoulder belt.   Linen just improves with each wash and ironing.

A lady generally wears gloves in public.  For vehicular dining, we cut the fingers off, and add a jeweled cuff and ring.  When eating with your fingers is this refined, Miss Manners would surely approve.

Our first course is a classic vichyssoise.  Some might say soup would be difficult in the car.  Oh, ye of little faith.  I give you, the Sac Soupcon!  Putting on the feedbag has never been so elegant. With its practical insulating layer, gazpacho and French onion soups are both back on the menu.  

Hmm, which tasty tater to eat first? Eenie, meenie...

To enjoy your steak hands-free, just cut in chunks and string on a length of fishing line.  It attaches easily to the top of the door.  A bite of luscious steak is as easy as checking your blind spot!

Fingerling Potatoes are finger-ready when served this way.  The potatoes are hollowed out for easy handling.  A shake of butter-flavored popcorn salt avoids the mess of butter. 

Come on in - the dining is just fine!

Asparagus spears are a natural finger food.  It’s the dripping hollandaise that can get one in trouble.  The solution?  Hollandaise Jigglers!  Just combine your favorite hollandaise recipe with some unflavored gelatin.  Take a bite of asparagus, and then pop a cube in your mouth for a yummy combination.

Hollandaise Jigglers just make sense on the go.

The menu was to include a chilled Australian Sauvignon Blanc, but I’m sure my alert readers saw the flaw in this plan.  We can’t serve a white wine with red meat!  To avoid that solecism, let’s uncork a nice, sparkling red grape juice.

Strawberry fields, forever.

We’ll end our meal with a luscious serving of Little Jack Horner Strawberries. Marinated strawberries are best with a dollop of whipped cream for dipping.  Put in your thumb and say – what a good girl am I!

There is never a good reason to abandon one’s standards.  All it takes is a little planning, and fine automotive dining can be on everyone’s menu.

Bon Voiture Appetit!

The Vehicular Gourmet

* Lovely model courtesy of Bizzy-Boo Lovely Models, Inc.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

Jabba The MAB

I looked idly down at the night’s playbill, wondering who was up next.  Special Surprise Contender it said.

The club was dark and smoky.  There was no action in the ring – it was between rounds.  The low hum of conversation at the small tables clustered around the ring was strangely muted.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a slight movement in the far corner of the room.  A subtle shifting in his bulk and I noticed him for the first time.  Jabba The MAB.

I looked down at the playbill again.  Special Surprise Contender.  It couldn’t be him.  My heart thumped faster, harder as I motioned to the waiter.  He strolled over.

“I see Jabba over there. Why is he here?  He’s not on the program. He’s not going in tonight, is he?  The other opponents were knocked out.” I spoke quickly.

The waiter just shrugged, boredom etched in every movement, every line of his face.

“The thing is, he’s not on the playbill.  He’s not supposed to be here.” My voice was rising, I knew, but I couldn’t help it.  “I want to see the manager.”

The waiter motioned subtly and two, burly bouncers started for our table.

“No, no, I just need to talk to the manager. You see, I know him.  That’s an alias; Jabba the MAB, the Mysterious Abnormal Blob.  But I know him.  I’ve seen him before.” I was anxious, pleading.  If I could just explain.

The bouncer bent low, murmured something in my ear about not having any trouble.

I got angry then.  “Who’s in charge here?  I want to speak to the manager.” I thumped the table with my fist. 

They each put a hand on my shoulder then, starting to raise me from my seat.

“He’s not on the program.  He’s not supposed to be here.  We’ve seen him before; that’s not his real name.”   I was shouting now. “WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?” 

I just needed to explain.  If I could make them understand that he had already won, he’d already beaten an opponent.  He wasn’t supposed to get another chance in the ring. He already took our brother. If they knew who he really was…

brain tumor

It can’t be him goddammitgoddammitGODDAMMIT!

They picked me up bodily, carrying me toward the door.  I bucked and twisted, trying to get free, howling like an animal “Noooooooooooo!”

They reached the door and started to push me through.  Over one bouncer’s shoulder I caught my sister’s eye for a split second.  She smiled sweetly to me from her corner in the ring, her face calm, her eyes full of love and faith.

Then I was outside, the asphalt of the alley rough under my cheek.  A single, dim bulb over the club door did nothing to compete with the surprising brilliance of a night sky filled with stars.

I wasn’t screaming now.  I looked at the stars and whispered a single prayer; so faint it was not really sound.

“Dear Lord, please no.”

Posted in Cancer Schmancer | Tagged , , , , , | 33 Comments

IDOT And the Screaming Semis From Hell

 

Out for a Sunday drive on Route 80

 

I came out of Indiana doing 75 in a driving rain.  It was rush hour when I entered the abyss.

When the old-timers gather to tell their driving stories, as old-timers will, they speak in hushed tones of this section of US Rte 80 from east of Gary, Indiana to west of Chicago, Illinois.  They remember, and shudder at the memories.

Traffic goes from a death-defying 90 MPH to a screaming-brakes, dead stop in a matter of seconds.  There are more semi tractors and trailers per square foot here than anywhere else on earth, I’ll wager.  Is it mere fancy that they appear 10 feet taller than elsewhere? 

Modern science is unable to make asphalt stick in this dead zone, so some part is always under construction.  About mid-March, the truck drivers who scatter blinding sprays of snow-killing salt do a tag-team routine with the construction-cone-droppers.   A slap of hands and the new season is underway.

I could see an electronic message board flashing overhead, just at the state line.  The Illinois Department of Transportation (IDOT) has placed these across major highways to convey crucial, time-sensitive information.  Of course, it isn’t a good idea to take one’s eyes off the road, even for a few seconds.  But if there is a major accident up ahead, or a bridge is out, this could save lives.

As I came up to the sign I had semis on both sides and another one riding my tail.  I needed to get over to the right lane quickly so I didn’t miss the cash toll lane.  Illinois has it rigged so you have to ride the toll road for approximately 50 feet to get into the state.  If you don’t pay the 60 cents extortion, they photograph your license plate as you whiz by and mail you a much heftier bill, along with a traffic ticket.

I risked a fraction of a second’s glance at the sign overhead.  “Don’t…” was all I could get.  Don’t what?  Don’t take this road?  Don’t exit ahead?

A blasting windshield defogger and the “whup, whup” of wipers on high did little to improve the steamroom visibility in my car.  Being in a truck canyon added to the gloom. 

Another glance and I got another word;  “Don’t be…”   Don’t be afraid?  Don’t believe everything you read??

What?? What??

For the sweet love of Jesus, what was IDOT trying to tell me???

I risked one last, longer glance at the sign before I was under it, narrowly avoiding the semi bearing down on me.   Navigating into the right lane with a squeal of tires, the message I had risked my life to read burned itself on the back of my retinas:

Don’t Be A Distracted Driver.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

We Need More Taxes

If you do the crime, you pay the fine.

What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.  

Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior.  We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars). 

I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea.  It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path. 

Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:

Individuals

  • Me No Like-y Tax:  Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed.  Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon. 
  • Scanties Tax:  This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low.  It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
  • Tortoise Tax:  This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit.  Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.

Businesses

  • Murdering the King’s English Tax:  Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language.  This will be levied for:
    • Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
    • Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
    • Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
  • Nobody’s Home Tax:  Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human.  The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.”  Nobody is looking anything up.  Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
  • Green Is The Color Of Money Tax:  Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon.  A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.

I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later.  I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.

I welcome constructive input, that is.  Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me.  To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax

That will be 10 cents each, please.

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 174 Comments

Kentucky Fried Chicken and The Honey Sauce Factories of Zorg

   
 

Setting: Kentucky Fried Chicken headquarters. 

Operations Manager: “I don’t know, Bubba.  You know how people feel about jobs going out of the country.”

Chief Financial Officer: “You’re making too big a deal out of this, Vern.  Sure, Americans say they don’t like outsourcing, but these folks are gonna manufacture to our strict, quality standards.  Besides, they work for peanuts.  It’s a sweet setup.”

Operations Manager:  “I think we’re going to get some complaints on this thing.”

Chief Financial Officer:  “No one is even gonna notice.  And if they do complain, the customer service call center is in Calcutta.  Hell, those folks talk better English than we do!  But don’t worry; they’ll swallow it.  Because when it comes right down to it, Americans want cheap.”

  

Setting: Somewhere in the Romulus Nebulon Galaxy. A vast, open space contains countless tentacled creatures, gliding 6 inches above the floor.  Their large, misshapen heads are topped with a red, licorice-type growth.  The space contains hundreds of stations that look like funnels suspended above huge vats.

Proud members of the Zorg Comestible and Slug Trail Producers Union.

 

Plant Foreman (voice sounds like Beldar Conehead under water):   “THE NEXT ORDER COMES FROM THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES OF EARTH, OIL-DIPPED, COATED POULTRY PARTS CORPORATION.  

PRODUCT IS TO BE INSERTED INTO SMALL, POLYPROPYLENE SACS AND MAY BE ACCESSED ONLY THROUGH THE USE OF SHARP IMPLEMENTS.  SACS ARE TO BE IMPRINTED WITH A LIKENESS OF AN ELDERLY HUMAN MALE, WITH WHITE FUR ON HIS FACE AND A BLACK STRING AROUND THE BOTTOM OF HIS HEAD.  ONE EDGE OF EACH SAC IS TO BE INDENTED IN A SERRATED PATTERN.  THIS IS AN EARTH CUSTOM THAT GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT THE SAC MAY BE OPENED WITHOUT SHARP IMPLEMENTS.

SET THE REPLICATOR TO THE FOLLOWING SPECIFICATIONS:

ITEM CATEGORY:   COMESTIBLE
MATTER STATE:   FLUID
COLOR:   SEMI-TRANSPARENT YELLOW/BROWN 
VISCOSITY:   MEDIUM/THICK
TASTE:   SWEET”

Second creature: “WHAT DOES THIS SPECIFICATION “TASTE” REFER TO?”

Plant Foreman “TASTE IS A HUMAN CONCEPT THAT DOES NOT RESONATE WITH ZORGIANS. WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO APPROXIMATE THIS CRITERION WITH A SCALE CALIBRATED TO THE SENSATIONS OF SWEET, SALTY, SOUR AND BITTER.” 

Second creature: “ARE THE HUMANS SATISFIED WITH THIS APPROXIMATION OF THEIR TASTE?”

Plant Foreman: “YES.  HUMANS ARE NOT BRIGHT.”

If I had taste buds, I know I would like this stuff. Yum!

“THEY ARE CONTENT IF THE COLOR, TEXTURE AND SENSATIONS ARE WITHIN THE ACCEPTABLE RANGE. THEY DO NOT REQUIRE THE ITEM TO BE FOOD, MERELY FOOD-LIKE.  WE HAVE JUST REACHED AGREEMENT WITH THEM FOR REPLICATION OF TWO NEW COMESTIBLES THEY CALL PANCAKE SYRUP AND POWDERED CREAMER.  THESE AGREEMENTS WILL BRING US MANY MORE OF THE PRIZED LEGUME COATINGS.”

“NOW LET US COMPLETE THE FABRICATION OF THIS PRODUCT. THE FUR-FACED COMPANY REFERS TO IT AS HONEY SAUCE.  THAT  SUGGESTS TO HUMANS THAT IT IS A PRODUCT THAT STINGING, HIVE-DWELLING EARTHLINGS MANUFACTURE WITH THEIR BODIES.”

A jarring, clanging tone sounds.  The creatures all stop work and begin to hum and quiver.  They glide rapidly toward large, blue bins on the perimeter walls.

Plant Foreman: “PEANUT SHELL BREAK!”

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 16 Comments

Let’s Make A Deal – Hunchback Edition

I'll take the curtain where Carol Merrill is now standing!

 

Did you ever watch Let’s Make a Deal?  At the end of the show, Monty Hall would offer a contestant $50 if she had a specific item  – a battery, cherry Life Saver, etc.  The costumed woman would dive into her purse.  As the credits rolled, she either emerged triumphantly, holding the item aloft, or continued her frantic search,  bottoms-up in her bag. 

I’ve been ready for Let’s Make a Deal my whole life.

Schlepping 50 pounds of junk around is ruining my back, I know.  I’ve got ruts in my shoulders so deep Jimmy Hoffa could be hiding there.  But I can’t ignore the little Boy Scout voice in my head whispering, “be prepared.”

When I had to come up with games for a wedding shower last weekend, I created Scavenger Hunt – The Purse Version.   Players got one point for each of the following items: 

Hairbrush/comb                    “Mystery” key
Wallet                                       Address book
Library card                            Toothbrush
Glasses                                     Tweezers
Feminine Protection               Kleenex
Coupon                                     Hand/face lotion
Blood donor card                    Unpaid bill
Camera                                    Calculator
Sewing kit                                Stamp
Phone                                       Jewelry item
Tape measure                         Business card
Gum/mints                              Checkbook
Dental floss                              Eyeliner
Paperclip                                  Lottery ticket
Picture of a pet                       Aspirin
2011 penny                             Shopping/to-do list

I was inspired by the actual contents of my purse.  Unfortunately, this is merely the tip of my satchel iceberg.  Feel free to borrow the idea for your next shower.  A gift certificate for a back massage might be an appropriate prize. 

I’m still waiting for Monty Hall to show up.  If he offers $50 for a mini WWF wrestling figure with a jellybean stuck to his head, I’m golden!

p.s. I am participating in a very scientific survey, studying the relationship between mentioning Justin Bieber in a post and the popularity of said blog post.  The study is titled “The Effect of Mentioning Justin Bieber In A Post, on View Statistics For That Post”.  This is NOT, repeat NOT a gratuitous insertion of said teen heart-throb’s name in the post to artificially inflate views.  Merely trying to help out an esteemed colleague’s scientific research, is all.

p.p.s. Research update: After about 7 hours of study, it appears the very mention of Justin Bieber by a middle-aged mom like me is so repellent, all past, present and future possible readers have run screaming for the hills.  Conclusion:  COME BACK!!! I’ll be a Bieber-free zone, promise!

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , , | 31 Comments

No More Pooper Scooping – I am an Artiste!

The Brontes confront the Withering Heights of Beeby's litter box.

Did Shakespeare scrub toilets?  Was Byron doing tax returns?  Were any of the Bronte sisters expected to wield a pooper-scooper?  I think not.

We were not meant for the mundane, the work-a-day life.  We are Writers!

This magical journey of self-discovery that we call blogging has taught me so much about myself.  I cannot be tied down by the concerns of lesser mortals.  No offense to all of you.   I must be free to capture the essence of the creative ooze. 

I’ve adopted a new look that expresses my free-spirit persona.  Now, all I wear are floaty skirts, lots of shawls and scarves, bangles, beads and a wide-brimmed hat.  I carry a long, ivory cigarette holder.  Tres elegante methinks – kind of a Truman Capote in drag vibe.

It has usually fallen to me to clean our cat, Beeby’s, litter box.  No more.  Bending over a loaded litter box with all that trailing fringe is just asking for trouble. 

My husband, Guillaume (much more interesting than “Bill”, don’t you think?), said today he’s out of clean underwear.  I believe he was implying that I, MOI!, should attend to the matter.   Shirley you jest!  

And yes, I know it’s “surely”.  That was an homage (pronounced with a Frenchie-Pierre accent, no “H”) to the late, great Leslie Nielsen.

Kudos to another good writer, Truman Capote, for the loan of his stylish sangfroid.

The creative burden is exhausting.  Sometimes I am forced to recline gracefully on the divan for hours to recoup my strength.  Until Guillaume kicks me out because he wants to stretch out with a cold one to watch Jackass reruns, the Visigoth.

Dishes piling up in the sink, bills piling up on the counter – what care I of these?   When the Muse is upon me, I am lost to the world.

When not actually writing, I feel it is my duty to visit the nouveau Freshly Pressed, to encourage these budding talents.  That takes time and energy, but I do not begrudge it.  I am eager to share what I have gleaned, toiling in the fields of literature (note to self: good stuff there. Re-use for future blog post.)

Lately, Guillaume has been going on and on about a “paying job” and “can’t be a real writer without any readers” and such all.  I cannot clutter my mind with these bourgeois considerations.  I am an Artiste.

Now, dear readers, I have need of sustenance.  Tea time!   Perhaps some cakes, a few cucumber sandwiches – remember I like them with the crusts cut off, Guillaume. 

Guillaume?  Mon Coeur?

Hey, Bill…where’d everybody go?

Posted in General Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 34 Comments

Intimate Strangers

We noticed the other family the first day at the hospital.  There was an attractive, energetic mother/grandmother in her early 60s, and a young matron with a bright-eyed baby.  They were dark-haired and small.  The strong family resemblance made it obvious the two women were mother and daughter. 

The Family, as we called them, kept vigil all week, like us.  Two other children, a boy of about 8 and a girl of 6, and two other young women (the young matron’s sisters?) were often there.  But the two women and the baby were the constants.  

We didn’t know who they had in the neurology wing, and of course we couldn’t ask.  The absence of men in the family group led us to believe one of their husbands was in a room there, as was our sister, Lib.  We didn’t see The Family down our hall, so we assumed intensive care.  I went down that hall only once.  The bustling, silent urgency of the place was unnerving.

I imagine they speculated about us, as well.  There were five of us the first days.  They probably guessed we were sisters.  Besides the physical resemblance (all fair and hearty), there is something about the way we interact; comfortably, with the ease of long practice.  Old, familiar annoyances bubble to the surface, but underneath is a deep bedrock of love.  Two of us, Mary Kay and I, were left as watchdogs for our family.

The other family spent a lot of time in the long, window-walled corridor that linked the regular neuro rooms with neuro intensive care.  It was lined with benches, tables and chairs.  They fed and entertained the baby there.   We admired his sweet disposition.  They smilingly replied that he was not always so good.  

The corridor was, at heart, a thoroughfare.  Physicians walked and talked briskly by, trailing residents and medical students like the tail of a comet.  Carts squeaked along carrying food, drugs, and supplies.  Gurneys smoothly, quietly moved their burdens to the next round of tests with a minimum of jostling.  Their riders looked so ill. 

What was Lib doing in this place, the imposter, healthy and laughing?  Soon, we knew, the flocks of doctors that flew in and out of her room would realize this was all a funny, terrible mistake.  They would scold her for wasting their time.

The Family made themselves at home in a small waiting room down around the corner, especially when the older children were there.  They spread their books, electronics and snacks across a table and the women took the two, comfy chairs, the baby in his stroller between them.  They had enough paraphernalia for an army on the march.  

We were in and out of that waiting room all the time.  We needed the long walk to stretch our legs, and to give our sister some privacy.  Too, that’s where the coffee was.  We consumed endless cups of that horrible brew.  The pot was often empty, but my sister and I quickly mastered the Bunn machine.  Once a visitor asked for directions, mistaking our brisk competence at the coffee machine for the efficiency of employees.  

One afternoon they were trying to lull the baby to sleep.  We whispered about how hard it is to get a child to nap when you want him to, the four of us meeting over the shared bond of motherhood.  We did not discuss why we were all there.

Something bad happened on the sixth day.  There were no children that day.  The mother/grandmother sat alone in the corridor, staring out of the window.  She did not meet my eyes this morning.  Hers were red and swollen; her face, a study in despair.  The 3 daughters were there, huddled down the hall by the elevators, talking in hushed whispers.  They approached her solicitously from time to time.  We decided then that the person lying in the room was her husband – the father/grandfather. 

The Family left early on Thursday, and we feared the worst.

But on Friday morning they were back in the waiting room.  The wife/mother/grandmother looked tired, but composed.  Maybe a crisis had passed?

Friday afternoon and it was time for us to go.  For good or ill, our sister was being sent home. 

We took one more trip to the waiting room to top off our cups of weak coffee, and stopped short on the threshold.  The room was packed.  The Family was there, along with others – sons-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins.  This was a day of farewells for both of our families.  It seemed that their farewells were to be more permanent.

We wanted to stop and offer condolences, to speak some words of comfort to the people we had come to know, on some level, in our shared waiting.  But we didn’t.  We had no right.  After all, we were strangers.

Posted in Cancer Schmancer | Tagged , , , , , , , | 23 Comments