The Vehicular Gourmet Presents: Fine Automotive Dining

A typical Monday night meal.

Picture this: a grayish-brown burger on a squashed bun, greasy fries, all wrapped in paper and washed down with soda pop. 

Now picture this: chilled vichyssoise, steak, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, roasted fingerling potatoes and strawberries, served on linen and silver, and accompanied by a nice Sauvignon Blanc.   

Which would you rather have?   It’s no contest. 

So why are we eating so many meals like the first one?  Because we Americans live in our cars.   Trips to the bank and the shops blend into rides to and from soccer practice.  We have no choice but to forego elegance for the bland, fatty foods served up at the drive-thru, right? 

Add a top and a straw, and your best crystal is road-ready!

Wrong!

I, The Vehicular Gourmet, am on a mission to put the fine in automotive dining.   

Q: What is the primary challenge to fine automotive dining?
A: The fact that one should keep both eyes on the road, and at least one hand on the steering wheel.  This presents obstacles, but we can adapt.

First, we set the stage.   For those whose cars don’t come equipped with a bud vase, here’s an elegant solution.  Merely attach a perfect bloom to a green pipe cleaner, and wrap around the steering wheel.  I recommend placing the bloom at 12 o clock to leave 2 and 10 free for your hands – safety first!

The elegant Sac Soupcon

Eating is just “chowing down” without sterling silver and candlelight (it gives such a gentle glow to a lady’s complexion).   Some jurisdictions frown on tassels and baby shoes hanging from the rear-view mirror.  Check with your local authorities to see if this prohibition extends to candelabra.

Spills will happen, especially when you’re keeping both eyes on the road to avoid car accidents.  That is why I’ve invented the Full-body Damask Napkin.  This snowy white napkin covers the whole lap and most of the chest, extending up to fasten on your shoulder belt.   Linen just improves with each wash and ironing.

A lady generally wears gloves in public.  For vehicular dining, we cut the fingers off, and add a jeweled cuff and ring.  When eating with your fingers is this refined, Miss Manners would surely approve.

Our first course is a classic vichyssoise.  Some might say soup would be difficult in the car.  Oh, ye of little faith.  I give you, the Sac Soupcon!  Putting on the feedbag has never been so elegant. With its practical insulating layer, gazpacho and French onion soups are both back on the menu.  

Hmm, which tasty tater to eat first? Eenie, meenie...

To enjoy your steak hands-free, just cut in chunks and string on a length of fishing line.  It attaches easily to the top of the door.  A bite of luscious steak is as easy as checking your blind spot!

Fingerling Potatoes are finger-ready when served this way.  The potatoes are hollowed out for easy handling.  A shake of butter-flavored popcorn salt avoids the mess of butter. 

Come on in - the dining is just fine!

Asparagus spears are a natural finger food.  It’s the dripping hollandaise that can get one in trouble.  The solution?  Hollandaise Jigglers!  Just combine your favorite hollandaise recipe with some unflavored gelatin.  Take a bite of asparagus, and then pop a cube in your mouth for a yummy combination.

Hollandaise Jigglers just make sense on the go.

The menu was to include a chilled Australian Sauvignon Blanc, but I’m sure my alert readers saw the flaw in this plan.  We can’t serve a white wine with red meat!  To avoid that solecism, let’s uncork a nice, sparkling red grape juice.

Strawberry fields, forever.

We’ll end our meal with a luscious serving of Little Jack Horner Strawberries. Marinated strawberries are best with a dollop of whipped cream for dipping.  Put in your thumb and say – what a good girl am I!

There is never a good reason to abandon one’s standards.  All it takes is a little planning, and fine automotive dining can be on everyone’s menu.

Bon Voiture Appetit!

The Vehicular Gourmet

* Lovely model courtesy of Bizzy-Boo Lovely Models, Inc.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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34 Responses to The Vehicular Gourmet Presents: Fine Automotive Dining

  1. Jane says:

    Too funny! That Liz is a really good sport!

    Like

  2. bigsheepcommunications says:

    And how much did you have to pay your lovely model to stick potatoes on her fingers? Do you, perhaps, need a little vacation?

    Like

  3. And thus turning you car into a vehicle for the luxe life.

    Like

  4. Libertarian says:

    Hollondaise Jigglers!! I am all of that!! Can you say, yum??

    Like

  5. Libertarian says:

    All OVER that, is what I meant to type, sissy!! Tell Liz she is a natural for the runway…

    Like

  6. I see a book in your future. You give new meaning to the term “Meals on Wheels.”

    Like

  7. Al says:

    A whole new slant to meals on wheels. Funny stuff!

    Like

  8. Becky says:

    This is absolutely hysterical and clever piece of writing. Hope to see more of beautiful, elegant and sophisticated Liz in your future blogs!

    Like

  9. Tar-Buns says:

    LOVED the pictures. I can imagine you had to put some Depends on to keep from wetting yourself during that fun. Hugs to Bizzy-Boo, the now famous model 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Any poor picture quality is due to the photographer laughing too hard to hold the camera straight. especially when we tied on the black velvet feedsack.

      Like

      • Tar-Buns says:

        Actually, your post reminded me of CHarlie Chaplin’s Modern Times movie, where they try out a feeding machine on the poor little tramp so people don’t have to leave the assembly line to eat lunch. The corn on the cob machine is the best…

        Hilarious! I seriously think you MUST have had at least some protection from all the giggling you did on this “potato shoot”.* and we know what I’m talking about) Bravo to Liz for playing along. Must have been great fun!

        Like

  10. This is hysterical, but it’s also thought provoking. If a person can drink one of those super thick shakes from a straw without sucking their eyeballs into their nasal cavities, why couldn’t someone invent a slightly larger straw that would accommodate noodles or tiny chunks of vegetables enabling us to drink our soup while on the road? An extra large broccoli and cheese soup, accompanied by a warm dinner roll sounds far more appealing than that disk shaped substance that some places call hamburger.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Interesting suggestion, but the inventor of said straw wouldn’t be able to buy enough insurance to cover all the lawsuits from people sucking up noodles and promptly choking on them, thereby crashing their cars and causing all sorts of mayhem. I think I’m making broccoli cheese soup and rolls for dinner, though -sounds yummy.

      Like

  11. MKC says:

    Enjoyed the fine dining experience with the beautiful model at the wheel. Amazing Liz kept a straight face. I don’t think it’s going to catch on, though. Too much work.

    Like

  12. So that’s why they call them fingerling potatoes…

    Like

  13. Bill Richart says:

    That napkin outfit — it looks like Liz-Biz was mugged by Miles Standish!!!

    Like

  14. Not only have you proven automotive dining can be just as classy as restaurant dining, you may have actually proven the former superior. My wife has you to thank when we celebrate our next anniversary by dining in a car.

    Like

  15. I’d forgotten about this gem. Liz was the perfect model. I totally understand about almost peeing the pants getting the shots…. like when I tried to take a selfie of us girls last summer. Then again, a good hearty chuckle is always therapeutic. Thanks for resurrecting this one, Peg! 🙂

    Like

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