“Has this ever happened to you?” (Announcer with quasi-Australian/tent revival preacher voice is heard.)
“I’ve only got one hour for my workout, and every treadmill is taken!” (Middle-aged woman in sweat suit stands by rows of occupied treadmills. Her expression shows level of panic usually reserved for involvement in a major car accident.)
“What will I do?” woman laments, wringing hands.
(Good-looking, blond voice-over announcer appears at woman’s side, facing camera) “Life is full of problems. And most of them are walking around on two feet! Ha ha! Hi folks, Tommy Stounding here” (Tommy flashes engaging smile, revealing row-upon-row of unusually large, white teeth)
“Time-wasters, the rude, the clueless, those who are more talented, attractive, or wealthy than you…the list is endless. What can you do about these people? Up until now -nothing.” Tommy says.
“But that was then!” (Tommy does dramatic, 90 degree turn to face camera #2)
“This is now! Introducing the Personal Mannequin Persuasion System, by Peg-Co!”
(Camera closes in on what appears to be a small rag doll in Tommy’s hand.) “Some might think this is just a voodoo doll, but it is much, much more. It’s a system, because there are lots of accessories that we’ll attractively display by fanning them out on a table.”
“Give it a try!” (Tommy passes doll to woman in sweats)
(Woman grasps doll and looks over at a gorgeous 25-year-old workout Barbie jogging on a treadmill in the coveted back row. Camera zooms in on PMPS doll in woman’s hand, which has blonde ponytail wig and skin-tight workout togs, just like target jogger. Woman jabs back-end of doll with patented Persuasion Pin. Hot young woman suddenly jumps off machine, clutching left buttock, and limps out of the room. Woman (approaching middle age and carrying some extra pounds, but still with a few good years left in her), jumps on newly vacated treadmill wearing expression of devilish glee)
(Tommy spreads hands in expansive gesture)“Think of all the ways you’ll use your PMPS:
1.) The clerk at the Department of Motor Vehicles shuffling along behind the counter in her bedroom slippers as if she had all the time in the world, when you only have 30 minutes left on your lunch hour to get that license renewed and get back to the office.
2.) The pitcher, off his game, who should have been taken out 2 innings ago.
(Camera switches to ballpark.)
Typecast, slovenly sports fan in bleachers yells at pitcher, “You got nothing! Get that bum outta there! Come on coach, stick a fork in him, he’s done.”
Tommy Stounding magically appears beside sports fan, hands him small doll in baseball uniform. “How about if you stick a Persuasion Pin in him, instead?”
Fan grabs doll, sticks pin in its arm. Pitcher on the field hits the grass, clutching his arm. Tommy turns to camera with rueful grin, his blindingly white, Chicklet-sized teeth sparkling in the sunlight.
“That’s one prick the pitcher won’t forget anytime soon.”
3.) The woman in front of you in the express line at the grocery store with 47 items, 32 coupons (half of which are expired) who needs a price-check and is paying in change.
4.) And let’s not forget the youngsters! What about the coach’s kid who always gets to play while you warm the bench? Or that obnoxious mean girl who makes junior high hell on earth?”
(Camera switches to school gym)
Close up of flat-chested, gawky, braces-clad 12-year-old girl in cheerleading outfit standing on the sidelines. She’s sticking a pin in the foot of a similarly garbed doll. In the background, human pyramid collapses as remarkably-developed-for-her-age head-cheerleader grabs her ankle and howls in pain.
“The list goes on and on!”
“Your Personal Mannequin Persuasion System comes complete with everything you see here. “ (Tommy’s voice-over is heard while screen shows assortment of items, artfully fanned out on a table.) “You’ll receive:
– 3 Personal Persuasion Mannequins in shades of ecru, jonquil and cinnamon
– 8 wigs in assorted colors and styles
– 20 outfits with Velcro attachment
– 10 genuine polypropylene Persuasion Pins. Note the rich, simulated hand-carved details (close up on 2 inch needle with plastic handle).
– Patented Persuasion Pin Placement Guide.
How much would you expect to pay for this system? The total package is worth more than $473.99*. But that’s not YOUR price. You won’t pay $200! Or $100! No, not even $50! For an amazing, astoundingly limited time, you can purchase this entire system for the low, low introductory price of just $19.99**. That includes everything you see here!”
(Camera flashes back to sweat suit-clad woman wearing open-mouthed expression of shocked amazement normally seen on someone experiencing an alien encounter or close-up Brangelina sighting)
“But wait! There’s more! If you act right now, within the next 20 minutes, and are one of the first 200 callers, we will include, absolutely free of charge***, this valuable Personalization Tool!” (Camera shows woman using grease pencil to sketch in beauty mark and long eyelashes on doll). “Use it to customize the write-on/wipe-off face of your PMPS to make sure you hit the right target when you do do that voodoo that you do so well.”
“Operators are standing by.” Tommy points at camera commandingly. “Call now, and tell ‘em Tommy sent you!”
(Announcer switches from Tommy Stounding to fine-print pitchman talking faster than the human brain is able to register sound)
“Not suitable for children under 18.
* $473.50 value established by independent marketing consultants via application of sharp-tipped, fletched projectiles to cork-covered pricing matrix.
** “Amazing, astoundingly low, low introductory, limited time-offer” price does not include $45.19 shipping and handling charge
*** “But wait! There’s more!” free offer does not include $26.92 additional shipping and handling charge.
Peg-Co is not responsible for resulting injuries, lawsuits, or retaliatory beatings. Peg-Co is not responsible if use of PMPS on pastor (or other religious leader) to end especially long service, results in eternal damnation. All sales are final. Peg-Co is a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries. Patents (and other litigation) pending.”
Send me three. I’ll probably wear the first out in a couple of days.
Very smart decision! Did I mention the “3 for 2-7/8″special we’re running? We’ll knock a whole $1.27 off your shipping charges for multiple orders.
A fabulous product, to be sure, but I’m not going to order until they throw in the accessory that allows me to poke Barbie in such a way that her sleek, spandex-clad thighs and butt will transform into fields of jiggly cellulite. Now that’s worth $19.95 plus exorbitant S&H.
Sorry, we stopped work on the “Miracle Worker” version because the liability insurance was too expensive.
ROFL – I bet you could sell a lot of those to church members everywhere.
Sad but true. Hope you noticed the disclaimer at the bottom!
Ha. I will have to take pics of mine – I need to make a catalog…