What Not To Say During The Polar Vortex

Freezing guy courtesy of US News & World Report.  It is NOT cold enough for him.

Freezing guy courtesy of US News & World Report. It is NOT cold enough for him.

The next person who says “cold enough for ya?” to me is gonna get an icicle to the jugular.  I’m not kidding.

Don’t say it.

OK, so half the country is suffering through the nightmare of a polar vortex.  It’s like we’re living in that Dennis Quaid movie where everybody north of the Mason/Dixon line freezes to death.  And yes, it is very cold outside.  It is very, VERY cold.   I get it.

But if I have to paste on a limp smile of appreciation at the cutting wit of even one more well-meaning Goober who tosses out one of these old chestnuts, I am going to freak out.

I hereby declare that nobody is allowed to say any of these things ever again, under pain of severe bodily harm.

  • Is it cold enough for you?
  • Stay warm!
  • Are you staying warm?
  • Baby it’s cold outside.
  • How about this weather?
  • Boy is it cold out there!
  • Boy HOWDY is it cold out there!
  • Is it cold enough for you out there? Cuz boy oh boy howdy, baby, it is hard to stay warm when it is so damn cold outside!
  • My car wouldn’t start this morning.

On second thought, that last line is OK.  Having a car that won’t start is still newsworthy.

C’mon, people.  We’re better than this.  In times of extreme duress, Americans have always risen to the challenge.  I know we can pull together, get our brains in gear and come up with some new material to describe our current frigid situation.

Even if it IS colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra out there.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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103 Responses to What Not To Say During The Polar Vortex

  1. susielindau says:

    The days are getting longer!
    Maybe this will kill those dormant pesky mosquitoes…

    Like

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m sorry–what was that you wrote? I’m so cold my eyeballs have frozen, and I can no longer read. Oh, by the way, stay warm, Peg! 😉

    Like

  3. My favorite recent comment on our local news was during an interview with a weather “expert”. The expert was asked if the constantly dropping temperatures were indicative of another upcoming polar vortex, and he responded (I paraphrase): “Well, no – It’s Buffalo and it’s cold. This is just winter.” Right on!

    Like

  4. I don’t even notice the cold anymore. I only notice when I start to finally warm up. Which still hasn’t happened and I’m not sure it ever will again.

    Like

  5. This is why living in Houston Texas is wonderful. Today marks day 2 this year I had to wear long pants. I like our two seasons, Spring & Summer.

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  6. How ’bout that Daft Punk, am I right?
    XOXO HC

    Like

  7. mistyslaws says:

    I think the fact that when it reaches up into the 20s, it feels like a tropical heat wave says all that is needed.

    Stay warm, Peggles! Don’t forget your scarf.

    Like

  8. I don’t live near the vortex and I’m tired it. I lost some of my patience for cold complainers when I lived in Quebec, which is like a permanent vortex. Keep warm and carry on 🙂

    Like

  9. a;ldkfjlkdjfaldfj – my fingers are too cold to hit the right letters (actually I really do type like that)

    Like

  10. I work outside, and I hear each of those about five times a day. The ones I really hate like to add “I’m glad I don’t have your job!” Ouch.

    Like

  11. The Cutter says:

    I’ve taken to saying, “It is f*** me in the a**:cold out there.” People don’t know exactly what it means, and yet they can’t help but nod in agreement.

    Like

  12. All I can say is, sorry, and you can make fun of me this summer when it’s 100+ every day, k? We’re having a warmer-than-normal winter – mid 70s practically every day. People in the deep South are having a harder time with this ’cause they’re not used to it.

    Like

  13. To add to your list: Is that a polar vortex in your pocket or are you just frigid?

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  14. Right now I consider it a job perk not having to change classes to various buildings on campus.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      This started as a rant against parking at our local community college, but THAT post is shaping up as going into another direction. They were closed today and yesterday due to the cold – they don’t make college students like they used to. 😉

      Like

  15. bikerchick57 says:

    OK, I will stop saying those things. Maybe. I’ll try. As soon as I warm up.

    Like

  16. k8edid says:

    I used to say “colder than a well digger’s ass” back in the day…when I lived in the frozen mitten.

    It’s been cold here, too. I had to close the windows the other night.

    Like

  17. lisaspiral says:

    This passes for conversation in Minnesota most every year along with “it’s not the heat it’s the humidity” It’s not supposed to elicit icicle eye stabbing, honest.

    Like

  18. rachelocal says:

    I’m with ya, Peg! Although, it is UNSEASONABLY cold for the Mid-Atlantic states. I hear Florida’s supposed to get a real snowfall. I bet they’re in lock down and there’s no bread, milk, or eggs in sight. (WHY MUST EVERYONE BUY THESE THINGS BEFORE A SNOW STORM? Is everyone making French toast? I don’t get it.)

    Like

  19. It’s not cold enough until I pee ice cubes. When that happens…

    Like

  20. pattisj says:

    I’ll have to find something clever to say when my brain thaws.

    Like

  21. List of X says:

    I’m with that expert who said “This is just winter”. This is exactly why we call them “experts”.

    Like

  22. Resisting the urge to mock the vortex…I complain about the heat whenever it gets over 75 and 13% humidity so its not like I could hang in the south in the summer.

    Cheyenne’s average wind speed is 12 mph. That means that sometimes it stops (briefly) and sometimes it blows 50 mph. It does this all year, every year. And yet, somehow, people still need to comment on it every freaking day. And yet, somehow, I have not sporked anyone in the forehead.

    Like

  23. I had to comment on this, (even at the risk of getting virtual-slapped) first, because the writing was so hilarious (and the caption below the pic! lol) but secondly, because I am in Los Angeles standing in front of supermarkets with picket signs that proclaim, “Bring Back Winter!” Seriously – – we are in the high 70’s to 80’s and I haven’t had a hot cup of cocoa in front of a cozy fireplace in I don’t know how long PLUS….my cute boots and sweaters never see the light of day not to mention the stores already have bikinis out. WTF -?? Give our New Year resolutions at least a month or two to yield some results. Geeze…..I want some semblance of a winter season here. Even a week’s worth? My hot flashes are force-fed by the sun and it’s no fun to cuddle (if I had a willing victim) when you stick together with sweat. I know I am in the minority and will get called petty and ungrateful….but when I get sick and am “feeling under the weather”….I want that weather to be rainy! I’m not even asking for thunder or anything exciting, just something that shows some sign of “Movement.” I’ll take a cool, light breeze where you just have to wear long sleeves. Forget the new Nordstrom fur lined coat with the tags still on. (Okay, okay, it’s a Target special) but is it so awful to not want to feel guilty going to a matinee movie when I SHOULD be out enjoying this god-forsaken sunshine. And come spring – – I don’t want to pay $6.99 for a puny basket of strawberries because of our long suffering drought. Sorry for this “Here Comes the Sun…..so Let’s Hide Our Love Away” rant (Don’t tell Paul McCartney, I just butchered his song (or whichever one sang that) but at least try to see that “the grass is always greener.” And of course it is….how can we grow green grass in So Cal, when we cannot even get a slight drizzle going??

    Thank you and sorry! 😉 But I still loved this post and am so glad I am following!

    Like

  24. bigsheepcommunications says:

    On our local news last night, the obligatory freezing reporter out in the snow took a ruler, stuck it in the snow, and said, “As you can see, we’ve got an inch of snow here in Mount Airy. It’s really coming down!”

    Like

  25. PinotNinja says:

    I like this newsworthiness rule — unless you have frostbite, hypothermia, broken pipes, or a dead car, you’re doing just fine so shut it.

    Said with all the authority of someone who wore a scarf last weekend and bitterly complained about it because it dipped below 70 degrees…

    Like

  26. Thank goodness I don’t have a brass bra.
    People here have passed the cold comments and moved straight into sarcasm. Yesterday someone asked me: “Is it still hot outside?”

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      We always said that witch thing when I was younger because it was so very risque to say “tit”. Now I’m sure you can say that on the TV, like “ass,” which is everywhere. Nothing is off-limits any more, Thoughtsy. Although I still think you should pass on the brass bra unless you can find the nursing variety.

      Like

    • Go Jules Go says:

      YES. Straight to sarcasm. I prefer: “At least it’s not cold outside.”

      Like

  27. How about, It’s nippier than a witch’s tit? Is that ok? 🙂

    Like

  28. I’m with you, Peg. If one more person reports on the temperature… I know what the temperature is. I don’t need to be reminded, “Hey, you know it’s 8 degrees out there?”

    That said, if it doesn’t warm up soon, I say you and I make a break for the Mexican border, like in the Dennis Quaid movie.

    Like

  29. dorannrule says:

    I love the thing about the icicle in the jugular! LOL! When people ask me, “Is it cold enough for ya?” I say, “We’re having a heat wave. It’s in the 20’s!” 🙂

    Like

  30. John says:

    How about “Is that an icicle or are you just glad to see me?”

    Like

  31. Pingback: If misery loves company, this winter is filled with community!

  32. sunshinebright says:

    What are we ever to do when the Spring comes, and we won’t have this “polar vortex” to complain about?

    Like

  33. The best is: “Sorry, but the heat’s broken. Also, vents are blasting cold air into your classroom. Get ready to jump on a random bus and ride with your class to another school!” 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Yipes! We had that happen at a school around here the other day. The paper had a picture of a sea of kids sitting on the floor in the fire station while the poor teachers tried to get some learnin’ done.

      Like

  34. aaforringer says:

    Even if it IS colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra out there. Rubbing up against a well digger’s ankle of course.

    Like

  35. Dana says:

    Hahaha. I grew up in freezing ass Alberta, so I can sympathize not only with the cold but with everything people SAY about the cold. Boy Howdy– must be an American phrase? We preferred Hot Dang up here…

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Boy Howdy is an American expression from about 80 years ago, so don’t feel bad.

      As a survivor of true, Canadian cold, every time somebody complains you have earned the right to curl your lip and sneer, “You Americans are such weenies.”

      Like

      • Dana says:

        …though now I’ve graduated to lush, green, mild winters on the west coast. It was sunny, warm, and spring-like today. Green grass everywhere! Leaves on all the trees! I AM SO SPOILED! (But I deserve it. Alberta winters are a true test of resilience. Or craziness. Or crazy resilience.)

        Like

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