How To Lose Weight and Look Years Younger With Absolutely No Effort On Your Part

comaRejuvacation

Two women pass in the street.  One is middle aged and overweight, her plodding walk mirroring the exhaustion in her tired, wrinkled face.  The other woman is noticeably younger.  Her long, blonde hair swings around her smooth, glowing face as she strides briskly down the sidewalk.  A couple of steps after they pass, the older woman stops and turns to look at the younger’s toned derriere in its form-fitting, blue jean casing.

“Angela?  Is that you?”  The older woman asks, uncertain.

The younger woman turns around.  “Oh, hi, Sandy.  Sorry, I didn’t see you.”

“I didn’t recognize YOU!” Sandy replies, disbelieving, as she looks Angela up and down.  “My God, you look great!  What have you done to yourself?”

Angela preens under Sandy’s incredulous stare, flinging her hair back and smirking.  “Thanks; you’re a doll to say so.”

“No, really.”  Sandy persists, “You’re the same age as I am, but you look 15 years younger.  What have you done?”

“I’m really trying to get in touch with my spiritual side, to lead a holistic life.”  Angela explains, assuming a pious expression. “I’ve taken up yoga and meditation, I’m eating whole foods and natural grains and treating this body as the temple it…”

“Cut the crap.” Sandy interrupts ruthlessly.  “I saw you just a couple of months ago and you were as wrinkly and flabby as I am.  There’s no way eating quinoa for a couple of weeks causes THIS kind of change.”

Angela’s smooth face momentarily creases in an expression of annoyance, although her forehead doesn’t move.  Then she shrugs fatalistically and says, “If you must know, I just got back from a Rejuvacation ™.”

“Rejuvacation ™?  What the heck is that?” Sandy asks, perplexed.

“I was on a Rejuvenating Coma Vacation at The Lazy P Ranch & Spa for the last 2 months.”  Angela replies with a self-satisfied smile.

“Coma vacation?” Sandy gasps, “What…??”

“It’s the latest thing!” Angela explains enthusiastically (although her forehead still doesn’t move.)  “They put you in a medical coma for 2 months.  While you’re under they do plastic surgery; breast implants, tummy tuck, chin lift – whatever you want!  I had the Total Package.  They pump you with a liquid diet at the minimum calories required to sustain life, and use electrical stimulation to exercise your muscles.  You lose a ton of weight.”

“But, but…” Sandy sputters, having finally found her voice. “That’s so extreme!  So dangerous.  It’s like a sci-fi movie!”

Angela holds up her hands to stop her friend’s protests, “It’s all safe; everything is done by a team of medical specialists.  The best thing is you sleep through all the pain and inconvenience.  Think about something as simple as getting hair extensions.  It takes hours and the process is incredibly tedious.  That’s just one of the little things they’ll do to you while you’re out.”

Sandy’s shock is fading, but she looks skeptical.

Angela’s unnaturally plump, red lips curve into a condescending smile. “I know what you’re thinking.  But really, what’s stopping any of us from getting in shape and looking our best?”

Sandy shrugs, not sure what her friend is driving at.  “We’d rather eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes than go to the gym?”

“Lack of self-control, lack of will-power, fear of pain, no time to heal” Angela ticks the reasons off on her impeccably manicured fingers “and the countless distractions and obligations of our daily lives.  The Rejuvacation ™ takes away all of those obstacles.”

A momentary silence falls as Sandy takes it all in.

“What does something like that cost?” Sandy finally asks, a speculative look in her eyes as the wheels start turning in her brain.

Angela laughs and tosses her shiny hair, gesturing down the length of her newly  flat-stomached, big-busted body.  “Does it matter?” she asks.

==================================================

Rejuvacation ™.  Because when you look this good, who the hell cares what it costs.

*********************************************************************

Are you a candidate for Rejuvacation ™ ?  Our friendly financial consultants are standing by to guide you through the preliminary major asset analysis and mortgage application process.

*Rejuvacation ™ and The Lazy P Ranch & Spa are registered trademarks of Peg Co, a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries.

**Neither Peg Co. nor Peg-o-Leg Industries are responsible for any minor, incidental side affects that may result from your Rejuvacation ™, like paralysis, divorce or bankruptcy.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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118 Responses to How To Lose Weight and Look Years Younger With Absolutely No Effort On Your Part

  1. This is true genius! I can TOTALLY see loads of people going for it. It just needs a celeb client to get the ball rolling and it will be a winner for sure!

    Like

  2. Katie says:

    Turning my fantasy of a recreational coma into a marketable reality…

    Like

  3. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Just another bit of science and technology that could go horribly wrong. The company could go bankrupt or be shut down by FDA and there you’d be, stuck in a cold room with a bunch of near cadavers with wounds that haven’t healed yet.

    Like

  4. lexiemom says:

    AND…if you act now, we’ll include this FREE set of Ginsu steak knives, a $550 dollar value, absolutely free!!!!

    Like

  5. mistyslaws says:

    Holy crap, sign me up. How much? WHO CARES. Take it all! A 2 month vacation where all I do is sleep and when I wake up I look like perfection personified? Oh Peg, please make this a reality. Working out is just way too much like work.

    Like

  6. Sign me up today, I will give it to myself as a birthday present.

    Like

  7. I don’t want new breasts or anything, but I could go for a two month nap for sure. Do they something like that? Maybe I could listen to some hooked on Spanish or something while I’m out and finally learn that second language too! Great post, POL!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Great idea, Don! Although my target market isn’t usually all that interested in what goes INSIDE their pretty little heads.

      Good to know you’re satisfied with your current breasts.

      Like

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    I cashed in my retirement savings for this all-body procedure. Something went wrong and now I’m not only a dumb blonde, I look like one, too.

    Like

  9. mercyn620 says:

    Sign me up for the dead of winter. I’m a couch potato in the cold anyway and nothing much happens in January and February!

    Like

  10. pdecowen says:

    Something tells me this isn’t too far away. 😦

    Like

  11. I’m in! I will pay with one of my kidneys since all my money is currently going to my son’s ridiculously expensive college! 🙂 Great post.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Hey, great side business! Piggy-backing on the plot of the original “Coma” movie, we can also harvest organs on the side to pay for treatments. Now when people say they’d give their right arm to look like some sexy celebrity, we can make it happen.

      Like

      • gingerootable says:

        OMG! Remember that pod movie where the old people go in the pool with those pods! Then they come acting like their 16 again…lol No, there is way to much “bat face” going on already People like Demi Moore who got their skin stretched! Why cant our generation age gracefully? I like my saggy baggidys, I really don’t care what other people think I am still strong enough to deck them. Your a trouble maker me thinks,,,,,lol

        Like

  12. lisaspiral says:

    And what a great way to “catch-up” on all that sleep you’ve been missing working those long hours (to pay for the procedure) and also do a digital detox without feeling like you’re missing out!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Hmmm. Being unplugged for that long may be a problem. You’d have so many Facebook notifications you would be swamped! Maybe we could get Facebook to do a direct-to-the-brain feed of some sort. I’ll get the scientists working on that.

      Like

  13. But wait! There’s more! Order now, and we’ll include, for just $10, absolutely nothing. That’s right. If you’re one of the first 10 people to order, we’ll double your charge and include nothing!

    Like

  14. 2 months? In a coma? That means no Coke, right?! Yeah. I’m pretty sure that would kill me.
    🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s another benefit – this is the ideal detox treatment for all bad habits. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, Coke…you’d have it all worked out of your system and no pain!

      Like

  15. Fresh Ginger says:

    Hell, two months of sleep sounds awesome. Can I just sign up for that?

    Like

  16. bigsheepcommunications says:

    I see a reality TV show in the making …

    Like

  17. Al says:

    C’mon. Don’t leave us hanging. What DOES it cost?

    Like

  18. That’s so funny, Peg, I just posted about weight loss and slipped in something about a medically-induced coma. Are we on the same wave-length or what?!

    Like

  19. Carrie Rubin says:

    The scary thing is, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this happen some day. Brilliant post. What a great idea for a novel it would make!

    Like

  20. Brilliant idea, Pegnacious. Hell, I’d sign up just for the coma aspect, then I’d finally get some damn sleep. And if I come out looking a bit less flabby, all the better.

    Like

  21. Photo gives new meaning to the concept of SUSPENDED animation. (Call Michael Crichton. It’s his fault my puns are terrible.)

    Like

  22. To make this work, you’d have to do it in a 3rd world medical location, or on a ship out at sea. Costs and red tape, you know. If only they could also pump you full of knowledge, so when you woke up, you’re IQ would be in the 130 range…oh wait! Being beautiful means you don’t have to be smart to succeed. Forget the IQ thing.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I’m so glad you came to your senses and put that last part in – silly, silly person.

      The ship idea isn’t half bad. That way we’d avoid all those pesky rules that governments are fond of laying down. We’d just float around in international waters and have people helicoptered on and off the ship.

      Like

    • lexiemom says:

      Oooh! I’m all in for the Coma Cruise!

      Like

  23. dorannrule says:

    LOL! This is about the funniest thing I’ve read lately. And the more I think about your superb writing and the whole idea of the story, the more I laugh. What a great idea! I’m going to reblog this one. It should be freshly pressed and submitted to a ladies’ magazine. 🙂

    Like

  24. dorannrule says:

    Reblogged this on Virginia Views and commented:
    Don’t miss reading this one! It’s a winner.

    Like

  25. This is your dream, eh Peg? Clever! Really could be the future.
    But, what happens if the company goes under while you’re under?
    Fun stuff… 🙂

    Like

  26. Ha ha, this is awesome! Peg-o-leg, you should definitely patent your idea. You’d make a fortune!

    Like

  27. Pleun says:

    Great idea! I am trying to lose some weight now (with as little effort as possible) and it’s not going well. I cannot believe I didn’t think of this… thanks for giving me something to ponder on while being on the exercise machines 😉

    Like

  28. “There’s no way eating quinoa for a couple of weeks causes THIS kind of change.”
    Well, this is a real bummer. Here I am on day 12 of the all-quinoa, all the time diet. I was expecting total transformation in the next 2 days.

    Like

  29. Hmmm… is there a payment plan?

    Like

  30. List of X says:

    Two months in a coma to change your appearance?  Let’s just name it the “Coma-Coma-Coma-Coma-Coma Chameleon” therapy.

    Like

  31. Laura says:

    I live in LA. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that someone is actually doing that here.

    Like

  32. Mary says:

    So funny – this is hilarious!

    Like

  33. Mary K. says:

    I’m in-where do I sign-up!

    Like

  34. Sandy Sue says:

    The title of this post alone made me guffaw.
    Been trying to get back on the diet pony, Peg?

    Like

  35. daisy says:

    Oh my word! Stop the madness! We’re all becoming machines! Seriously though, thank goodness you trademarked this. You struck gold.

    Like

  36. Go Jules Go says:

    You had me at Little Debbie snack cake. I’m broke, but I’m willing to barter, up to and including my soul. But not the dog. Never the dog. Mmm, devil dogs…

    Like

  37. Elyse says:

    You are fiendishly clever, Peg. And since I’ve given up on the bod, I too will simply take the 2 month nap. Preferably when I have work deadlines.

    Like

  38. I can’t believe it. Is this for real…. or some fiendish joke being perpetrated on unsuspecting folks?

    Shakti

    Like

  39. PinotNinja says:

    Haha! If you even just hinted about this in Miami you would start a mad stampede of real housewives. If we were really lucky, a few of them might even get trampled to death.

    Like

  40. Sign me up during the summer months…I could skip those blazing temps!

    Like

  41. Someone is going to steal your idea and make a fortune. Just by the reaction in the comments they would be booked solid…forever!
    I’m in.

    Like

  42. Theresa says:

    Wow! I’ve been waiting my whole life for this, and there’s no time like the present. [See: http://soulgatherings.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/when-did-i-start-to-look-like-my-mother/%5D Sign me up…how long is the waiting list???

    Like

  43. You just know this is the sort of thing that people would FLOCK to by the thousands. I can picture the entire Upper East Side of Manhattan, most of Hollywood, tons of Southern ladies of leisure, and a good chunk of Washington DC going for this. I think this is a platinum mind in the making, Peg.

    Like

  44. Judy Budy says:

    What a witty boob you are! Thanks for the laugh and for reminding us of how good coma patients have it!

    Like

  45. Don’t think I haven’t thought that if they could just put me in a coma for a couple of weeks I could lose some weight….

    Like

  46. I can see the 30 min. infomercial already!
    Hilarious….but within the realm of possibility? (good that’s trademarked)

    Like

  47. Oh it’s horrible… but also insanely funny! I loved it! How did you come up with something like this?

    Like

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