When I was a kid I wanted to be a super hero and fight for truth, justice and the American Way. I secretly knew I must have super powers – I only needed to discover them.
Fast-forward 40 years. My super power has finally revealed itself.
I am the Amazing, Middle-Aged, Invisible Woman!
The other day I was walking down a narrow hallway. Two young ladies approached from the other direction, talking and laughing. As we came abreast it was apparent that all three of us could not pass at the same time. Did they move over, or drop back to single file to make room? No. I had to flatten myself to the wall to avoid a collision, leaving a grass-cloth imprint on my cheek that is just starting to fade.
That was when it occurred to me – I must be invisible!
This is amazing! Invisibility was one of the powers I yearned for as a child. (To be honest, at that point it had less to do with fighting crime than with a desire to be able to walk into Kresge’s and take all the toys I wanted without being seen.)
There were early clues to my future power, though I did not recognize them at the time. This explains why the cute, popular boys ignored me when I was a teenager.
Since that moment of amazing discovery, I’ve seen my super power in action several times.
- At the Social Security office last week, there was an entire room full of employees going through their routines 6 feet away from where I stood, waiting at the counter. Not one of them could see me!
- I was driving down the road the other day and a 13-year-old boy stepped off the curb in the middle of the block and moseyed across the street. He looked in my direction, but did not stop or even blink as I slammed on the brakes to avoid killing him. And if I briefly toyed with the idea that this was evidence of his rude disregard for others, I quickly dismissed such thoughts. Surely this behavior could only mean I was invisible.
- I was in line at a trendy coffee shop, trying to get a $5 cup of coffee. The two high school-age clerks, engrossed in a conversation about one’s chances of getting off work the following Friday, did not even notice I was there.
As amazing as my nascent power is, I’ve noticed it only works on certain people. There are two main groups to whom my very existence is hidden:
1) Customer service representatives, with a special emphasis on civil servants.
2) Teenagers. The power is strong in me here.
Everything about me is hidden from these special groups; vehicles in which I am riding, my voice, even my phone calls won’t register.
This explains why every time I call the customer service department of a company, I am unable to get a real person to pick up the phone. And all the times I thought my 18-year-old daughter was ignoring me, I could not have been more wrong. Now I see – it’s not her, it’s me!
Though my powers are somewhat limited, I am eager to use them to help mankind.
If an 18-year-old Department of Motor Vehicles customer service clerk should go on a crime spree, send up the Amazing, Middle-Aged, Invisible Woman signal. I’ll be there in a flash!