The World Covers Its Ass With Yoga Pants

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Women once had a dizzying array of clothing options. There were outfits for day and evening, business and sports, formal and casual. Those days are gone. Now all you need are a couple pairs of yoga pants and you’ve got your ass covered for any occasion.

I’m not terribly fashion-forward, which may explain why it took so long for this phenomenon to register. My first inkling came last Christmas when I texted my brother, Jim, to get gift ideas for my 14-year-old niece, Lauren.

“Yoga pants,” he responded.

“Didn’t know Lauren did yoga,” I texted back, “thought swimming.”

“Not into yoga, just yoga pants. Gotta be lululemon,” he replied.

“Huh?” I inquired.

“Brand,” came the brief response. I didn’t need Skype to see him rolling his eyes in disbelief at what a clueless fogey his big sister was.

The teenager is a hard breed to please, as anyone who has ever had one knows, so I was delighted with such specific directions. I hurried to check out lululemon online. Good thing my bottom was comfortably clad in my usual old, fleece-lined, cotton sweatpants, because that softened the blow when I fell off my chair.   The cheapest pair of yoga pants on the lululemon site cost $85.  $85!

I texted my brother, “Kid gift limit is $35. And $85 tights for 14-year-old? RU nuts???”

He texted back, “What she wants. Gift card?”

No way. I refused to go the route of trading gift-cards. I was determined to get a real present for her to unwrap, something reasonably priced, and which she’d love. I headed for the mall.

You might gather from my earlier fashion comment that I don’t spend much time clothes shopping.  You would be right. I hadn’t been to the mall for the better part of a year, and the changes at the big department stores were a revelation. Retail real estate that once held racks of sweaters, slacks, jeans and dresses now contained mile after stretchy mile of yoga wear.    There were bras, tanks, tops, jackets and pants in colors ranging from basic black to screaming primary.  None of them were cheap; even the sale items were $30 and up.

I picked out a nice pair of pants for $35 and headed for the register, but stopped before I got there. You and I both know that there’s no difference between $35 and $85 stretch pants, but teenagers can be such brand-snobs. What if she didn’t like them?

I sent a gift card.

Since the scales fell from my eyes, I’ve noticed that yoga gear is everywhere. This is clearly the young woman’s outfit of choice.

My niece Jenny and her family came home from New York a couple of days after my trip to the mall, so I told her about my yoga wear discovery.  This was old news to her.  Jenny knew all about lululemon, and said they weren’t even the top of the line. She rattled off a list of the upscale workout vendors that her friends wore. She must have caught me sneaking a peek at the stretchy tank top and yoga pants that SHE was wearing, because she quickly explained that she had just come from the treadmill. Also, she added, she only bought the high-end stuff when it was on sale. Nice to know our sophisticated Manhattanite hasn’t abandoned her thrifty, Midwestern roots.

The yoga pants I’ve seen range from actual pants to coverings so sheer they’re nothing more than pantyhose.  I was walking behind one young woman at the community college the other day, and the intimate movement of her back-end, revealed for the entire world to see in just such a pair of pantyhose, looked like two cats fighting in a sack. I had to bite my tongue not to blurt out that she must have been in a hell of a hurry that morning to forget  her skirt.

I suspect a few women might be dressed this way because they are actually on their way to the gym, but it seems the vast majority are incorporating yoga moves into their daily lives. You’ll see them practicing such poses as:

  • Mother Crane Retrieving Toddler Tossed Fruit Loops at the grocery store
  • Hyena Writing Term Paper On Abe Lincoln at the high school
  • Snow Monkey Hanging Out With Derriere On Display at the mall

I don’t want to be behind the times when it comes to the behind, so I bought myself a pair last week and thought I’d give them a test drive with a brisk walk at the park.  The reflection in my full-length mirror looked nothing like the larger-than-life displays of nubile workout mavens at the store; my back-end was a huge, black, shiny, droopy pancake. I added a sweatshirt that reached halfway to my knees to the ensemble.

With the offending bits covered, I felt very hip and modern in my tight, new yoga pants as I started down the path at the park. About fifty feet along, however, the pants’ wide, low-slung anti-waistband started heading south, taking my underwear along for the ride. I reached under the sweatshirt mini-dress and discreetly tugged them back into place. Twenty feet later both pieces of clothing had worked their way up into places where neither belonged. More tugging ensued. And so it went for the next 2 miles.

The great thing was I got a double workout. I walked briskly for 5 minutes of cardio, and then stopped to stretch with such classic yoga poses as:

  • Droopy Dog Dramatically Diving for Descending Duds, and
  • Crane Creeping into Concealed Crevices.

I’m not sure where this trend will end, but it probably won’t be long before there is a yoga pose (and corresponding outfit) for every one of life’s events, like:

  • Bridezilla Gorilla Mendelssohning With Flowers for weddings, and
  • Crying Mourning Dove for funerals.

As for me, I’ve retired the stretchy duds and gone back to my usual baggy, cotton sweatpants. The world may cover its ass with yoga pants, but I think all would agree that, given the state of my posterior, my best move would be:

  • Water Buffalo Hiding Hiney.
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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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55 Responses to The World Covers Its Ass With Yoga Pants

  1. notquiteold says:

    Lululemon was caught bare-assed a while back because their yoga pants were REALLY sheer. And for $85. Give me TJ Maxx anyday.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went to a circuit training class last night in an old t-shirt and some sweatpants. The only thing that Lululemon and Under Armour clothes tell me is that humans look awful in polyester and spandex, but they’re willing to pay for it. I don’t care what shape you are in – it just looks like a couple of marmots trying to escape your pants. When did aerodynamics become an issue at the gym? I’m embracing old ladyhood and keeping my marmots under loose wrap.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. bikerchick57 says:

    Ohmigosh, this is HILARIOUS. I have yoga pants (only worn to yoga class or the gym or the grocery store if I’m on my way home from yoga class or the gym), so I understand the ramifications of ill-fitting, ill-worn, revealing, high-priced (none of which I wear) stretchy tights. You were wise to get the gift card…let laughing brother pay the balance of the $85 Lululemons.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. franhunne4u says:

    Yoga pants? I prefer the sweatpants, too! But to be honest – I lived through the 1980ies, fashionwise, as a teenager … I know that every generation just HAS to make their own fashion faux-pas! In my case that were neon coloured nylons in pink and turquois.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I too hated the yoga pants epidemic, until I actually bought a pair just to sit around my house in. They’re just so darn comfy. I do wear them in public when I go to yoga, but I wear a long enough shirt to cover my butt 😀 I can’t imagine spending nearly $100 for simple yoga pants though – I got mine at Sam’s Club haha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • pegoleg says:

      When I Googled yoga pants for photos for this post, I was astonished at how many young women apparently take selfies of their bottoms sticking out in yoga pants and post on Facebook. Jeez Louise, there’s a time and a place, even if you’ve got the world’s greatest butt.

      Like

  6. susielindau says:

    Many years ago, I went to Lululemon to return a pair, a gift from my husband. I was told they are supposed to work like compression tights and “mold” your butt and legs for blood flow. They work like a girdle to hold in your jiggly parts. You probably bought them waaaay too big.
    I prefer sweat pants too, but own a few for tennis and exercise classes.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Elyse says:

    Quick! Get me some Lululemon pants! I bust a gut laughing and I’m sure those pants will let me stuff the bits back in.

    Like

  8. “looked like two cats fighting in a sack.”
    Christmas two years ago I ventured onto Lululemon website with instructions from daughter, a picture printed out, and description download. Only because she’d had a very difficult year and that particular item was on sale half price. It’s rare we buy anything that’s not marked down – figure the sale price is closer to the actual price considering the markup for clothing. After the see-through pant problem, she’s moved on to other brands…using her pocketbook and sales savvy.
    You have to wonder if so many who really shouldn’t be wearing the thin stretchy leggings are really fooling themselves over their appearance, are following bad friends fashion advice, or just don’t care as long (about looking like a fool/slob) as they are comfortable. I did find a nice pair at Steinmart by Nine West (sale + coupon) that are a thicker fabric and more like the old stretch ski pants (that had stirrups back then – worked for Mary Tyler Moore). Have to admit they are really comfy by the fire in cold weather – but only with tunic length tops. Just can bring myself to wear them out though.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Mary Tyler Moore totally rocked that ski-pants look, but I never looked like her even back in the day. Baggy sweats with tunic length tops for added insurance are required for this bottom.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Bernadette says:

    Very clever new yoga positions. I wonder if there would be a market for the yoga bride? Hope you will contribute to the Salon tomorrow.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I’m sure some bride has already thought of this. I just hope she hires a chiropractor along with the pastor and organist to help members of the bridal party when they throw their backs out doing wedding yoga poses.

      Like

  10. So the young females nowadays have abandoned wearing pajama bottoms out on the streets, and graduated to panty-hose masquerading as pants?

    Guess they’re trying to one-up the fellas, who’s pants keep sliding farther down their backsides to show even more of those fabulous striped boxers.

    I’m so far behind, I still wear actual PANTS (that fit, nonetheless…) out of the house. Does that make me a fuddy-duddy?

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      They haven’t totally abandoned those, but I noticed today when at the community college again, that the bottoms of choice were yoga pants, jeans and pjs in that order. There were quite a few quite big girls in yoga pants…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

      Like

  11. Do they make Fat Old Lady Yoga Pants? No? Guess I’ll stick with sweat pants, then. Although sweat pants don’t make nearly as funny a post as yoga pants made yours. I’m still laughing.

    Like

  12. The Cutter says:

    I don’t know how much my wife spends on yoga pants, but I think I have an idea why we can’t afford a new car now

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Dana says:

    I’ll keep my faded blue jeans, thanks. (NOT SKINNY!!!)

    Like

  14. I love this post. Yes, the teens and tweens and babies are WAY to aware of marketing, trends, style <=(what does that even MEAN?!) than ever before. It's a nightmare and quality has gone the way of the Dodo.

    Like

  15. I had to chuckle as I began your post because my brother and 2 of his kids just left, having had a very quick visit with us. As my almost 17 yr. old niece was getting ready to grab her spot in the car, I asked her about gift possibilities for her upcoming birthday. As she rolled her eyes around, thinking really hard, I suggested, “cash money?” Big smile. Yup. That’s the ticket. I told her we could do that. And what was she wearing? Yoga pants. I have no idea what brand.

    A few months ago, I started doing PT for an old cranky back, and I would wear sweat pants to my appointments. Afterwards I always changed into my jeans because I must be really old fashioned and didn’t even want to walk around the grocery store in my sweats. Maybe it was because they are probably 10 years old and out of fashion. Then I was at Walmart and found that they sell Danskin yoga pants. I remember wearing Danskin leotards when I was 6 and did some ballet, so for a whopping $15 I got some yoga pants for doing my exercises at home. I really love them, but will never wear them away from home.

    Liked by 1 person

    • pegoleg says:

      Now that your eyes have been opened, you’ll see them everywhere – guaranteed.

      And I’m with you on the exercise wear. I can see it if you’re stopping on the way to or from working out, but otherwise it’s just like wearing PJ bottoms everywhere. Come on, people, can’t we dress it up just a little?

      Liked by 1 person

  16. artygilly says:

    So after reading your humorous story I looked up the yoga pants on our UK site and yes indeed they are that expensive even more. I keep a conversion from £ to € on my pc as I buy craft bits from the US and it works out about €120 a pair. I’m very happy with my supermarket leggings, polo necked jumper and pale pink with white polka dots and fish tail top while curled up on the sofa reading everyone’s tales. And as for gift tokens my 6 grandchildren have given me their bank details so I just transfer my small monies direct, I get my own back by hand making their cards 🙂

    Like

  17. Classic Pegoliciousness here.

    And how uncanny is this, but I ALSO have a big, shiny, droopy, pancake ass! Add to that godzilla-sized thighs. Yeah, yoga pants aren’t my friend. I spit on yoga pants. Phooey, phooey!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Wasn’t that you shopping in Macy’s Big, Shiny, Droopy, Pancake Ass Yoga Pants Department last Saturday? I THOUGHT I recognized you. I was the one crying in the adjoining dressing room.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. weebluebirdie says:

    I wore a sensible pair of yoga pants – good elastic at the waist, flattering flare at the ankle – when my pregnant belly got too big for jeans. I’m still wearing them; 14 years later to yoga class 🙂

    Like

  19. dorannrule says:

    This is a huilarious post pegoleg and has convinced me to stick with the baggy sweat pants!

    Like

  20. Sandy Sue says:

    Oh, crap. Are we really the old farts complaining about the youngsters’ clothes?
    Yep.

    Like

  21. lexiemom says:

    Ha! Ha! I laughed my butt off reading this! My introduction to the wondrous world of yoga pants came when I was expecting my 3rd child. They were so wonderfully comfortable, and at the time, I could buy them in straight leg (black only, of course), so they weren’t that clingy. With my rapidly expanding waistline, and not so rapidly expanding budget, I discovered that if I used a black sharpie on the Danskin logo, and paired it with a long blazer, I could wear them to work and no one would be the wiser, and I would be that much more comfortable. I wore them pre and post pregnancy, and still lounge around the house in them.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Black sharpie to erase the logo? You’re a genius! To tell you the truth, I also wear my one and only pair to lounge around the house. I don’t think the general population is ready for that sight, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Janu says:

    Very funny Peg!!!!

    Like

  23. Target has the best yoga pants ever. I have them in every shade of black. I wear them every single day of my life. In fact I dream of putting them on when I am driving home from the office. They are always under $30 and go on sale frequently, often for 50% off. I love love love them.

    But $85 for a teenager? Just no you are right.

    Like

  24. I have some leggings I wear with my tall boots and long, read cover my arse, sweaters. Even with being thinner, still don’t want to expose my almost nothing bottom. Guess they could be called yoga pants but no way would I spend that kind of money on them. Good post, Pegoleg! 🙂

    Like

  25. At the supermarket where my daughter works, yoga pants are permissible as cashier attire, but my daughter is absolutely forbidden to wear her new, (respectable) dress jeans because the grey of the fabric is just a little too blue, It seems that showing every outline of your butt looks professional, but wearing blue is not. Who knew?

    Like

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