Hosni Mubarak is dead.
Or dead-ish. It depends on who you talk to.
The world has been trying to figure out the exact health status of the ousted former president of Egypt ever since the country’s official news agency announced earlier today that he was “clinically dead”. Senior officials have since walked back that announcement, saying that Mubarak is not as dead as first thought. In fact, he may be just feeling really, really lousy.
This is the first known case of someone recovering from dead since Jesus Christ.
Sources have released a score of conflicting reports, variously saying that Mubarak is:
- Clinically dead
- Dead as a doornail
- An ex-parrot
- The fat lady has sung
- Shuffled off this mortal coil
- We got a guy with a pillow taking care of things
At this point, the world wants to know if he is morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.
Although few are likely to mourn the former leader’s passing, there are many who have been heard to refer to him nostalgically as “the devil you know”. This is a sentiment voiced especially by the approximately 10 million Christians in Egypt.
Thousands have taken to the streets in Cairo, waiting for official word that he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.
The crowds are expected to then break into a rousing chorus of “Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead”.