Does this sound familiar?
“Ow, I broke my leg, I need a doctor!”
“I think I’m having a stroke. I’d better get to the hospital!”
“There’s an ice-pick sticking out of my eye – somebody call an ambulance!”
Doctors? Ambulances? Hospitals? Sounds to me like the anthem for America’s independence going down the drain.
The problem with healthcare in America is not insurance companies. It’s not doctors or hospitals. It’s not even the government sticking (or not sticking) its collective nose into our healthcare business.
The problem with healthcare is that Americans have lost the can-do, self-reliant attitude that made our country great. No wonder we’re drowning in medical bills. We’ve turned into a nation of weenies!
“What else can I do?” you may ask. I’m glad you asked.
Reclaim your self-reliance with MedicZoom from Peg-Co, the ultimate source for do-it-yourself healthcare!
Your subscription to MedicZoom gives you 24/7 access to our online, state-of-the-art self-diagnosis tool. Answer a simple series of specially designed yes/no questions and make your way through the patented MedicZoom Diagnostic Decision Tree. It’s just that easy!
Here’s an example:
With just 3, short questions, the patented MedicZoom Diagnostic Decision Tree has you well on the way to figuring out what’s wrong. Wow!
Subjects experienced an 82% success rate for correct diagnoses in marketing trials. * I’d like to see any doctor match that!
Once you’ve pinpointed your problem area, you’re ready for treatment. If surgery is indicated – no worries! As soon as you enroll, we’ll rush your Official Welcome Kit. One of its key components is the revolutionary Operating Room Simulator. This highly technical, state-of-the-art piece of machinery will guide you through the safe removal of most common, diseased body parts.
We recommend that you do a couple of practice runs before the actual operation. The OR Simulator’s harsh buzzer and flashing lights will go off if you get too near a vital body part (say, a major artery). This really reinforces your training. You’ll feel prepared to tackle the real thing in a jiffy!
A starter pack of 5 syringes is included in your Welcome Kit so you can administer the local anesthetic recommended for most procedures. If general anesthesia is indicated, MedicZoom suggests teaming up with a Surgery Buddy.
And after surgery? Your recovery is sure to be smooth and pain-free when you use your pre-signed pad of 25 prescriptions to score some Percocet. A quick check of the MedicZoom.com Online Pharmacy Reference Library tells you what you need to prescribe just the right pill to fix yourself up. After all, who knows you better than you? (Important note: anyone prescribing pain narcotics for themselves must solemnly promise that they do NOT have a substance abuse problem, and do not intend the narcotics for resale.)
Don’t delay – act now to make MedicZoom your partner for do-it-yourself healthcare. Because when it’s time to take out a wrenched ankle, you don’t need some doctor taking out your wallet as well.
Operators are standing by!
*Any advice given by MedicZoom is more in the nature of a semi-informed opinion, and is not intended as medical advice. Patients/consumers make their own decisions as to diagnoses and treatment. Statements given here have not been evaluated for accuracy. Resultant incidents of cuts, contusions, boo-boos or deadness are not the responsibility of MedicZoom, Peg-O-Leg Industries or Peg-Co.