You can’t play Angry Birds all the time. Wouldn’t it be great if you could find smartphone apps to help when you have to deal with real life?
Look no further.
Turn your phone into a personal speech modifier with an exciting array of apps from Peg-Co. Introducing the Oration Betterification Compilation Suite.
Jethro-to-Jeeves App: Vocabulary and delivery not too impressive? Need a little help smoothing out the rough edges? The Jethro-to-Jeeves App takes your pitiful utterances, and crafts them into what you would have said if you had the smarts.
Here’s how its lexiconical magic can work for you in court, for example:
Before…
“Nu-uh! I warn’t doin’ no 80 in a school zone, and if that @&*# cop warn’t suckin’ on a donut with his thumb uppen his ass, ‘steada doin’ his job, he’d a seen it straight!’
After…
“There must be some mistake, your Honor. I would never exceed the posted speed limit, especially not near an educational establishment, where doing so may put a youngster in peril. Perhaps the constable was distracted by a crime taking place in the bakery?”
Which comment do you think has a better chance of getting you out of a $350 speeding ticket?
Tower of Babel App: Four years of high school French and all you’ve mastered is “the pen is on the table”? Forget all that confusing conjugation and memorization and let the Tower of Babel App translate for you. Now you can find out what the little waitresses down at the China Palace REALLY think when you and your wide-load American friends belly up to their all-you-can-eat buffet.
Lifebuoy App: Has anyone ever said you should have your mouth washed out with soap? Do you drop the F-bomb like some people say “um”? That’s all well and good when you’re shooting the bull with the boys down at the garage, but not so great if you’re exchanging pleasantries with the Queen. Speak into your phone and the Lifebuoy App scrubs your speech of offensive words, leaving it fresh as a daisy.
Before…
“I dropped a %&$# wrench on my foot! @#$%!”
After…
“I dropped a wrench on my foot! Golly, that smarts!”
Muffler App: Burning to tell your mother-in-law exactly what you think of her, but you’re in church? Dishing the dirt with a girlfriend at Wal-Mart, but you suspect the person next to you in line may be the subject’s mother? Activate the Muffler App. Just speak into your phone and it sucks all the volume out of your voice. The person on the other end of the line is the only one who can hear you.
Better than a Cone of Silence!
(Check out the Muffler Unraveler App, perfect for listening in on other people’s calls. Unraveler sold separately.)
Scrivener App: How often have you been stuck in traffic when creative lightning strikes? If you wait until you get to your computer, that brilliant idea for a best seller will be gone like a puff of smoke waved away by a born-again-ex-smoker. The Scrivener App translates your spoken words into print. Now you can dictate while ordering Big Macs in the drive-thru, then easily incorporate your gems into Word documents or WordPress drafts later on.
Don’t let the next, great train of thought leave the station without you aboard.
With the Oration Betterification Compilation apps, even stupid people can use their smartphones wisely. Because…Peg-Co puts the “smart” in smartphones.
*Peg-Co is a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries. All rights reserved. Peg-Co is not responsible for anything bad that might happen.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Grab this post for Freshly Pressed!
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From your mouth to WordPress’ ear.
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True dat, FP this $&it!
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Sounds like you could use the Lifebuoy app.
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@#*$! Now I’m gonna have to get a bleepin’ smart phone!
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I’ve been fighting it, but with great apps like this it may be time to take the plunge!
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Golly gee, that’s swell….And no officer, I did not even take a sip from that opened container. The dog must have gotten into it.
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Maybe an app that makes your voice sound like Opie from Mayberry?
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Hahahahahahaha! Ha’larious!
I’ma fix’in ta share this hear be’ute with lots o’folks.
Let me ax you a question … you don’t got one of those copy-rit thangs?
“Don’t let the next, great train of thought leave the station without you aboard.” Brilliance. Pure brilliance.
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I can’t count the number of times I’ve constructed most of a blog post in my head in the car, and forgot all about it before I ever got a chance to write it down. I really should try a dictaphone.
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Maybe there is an App that lets your iPhone suck those blog posts right out of your head, digitize them, correct the spelling, and send them to your blog…
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That’s the one I invented! Now all I have to finish up is the details, like figuring out how. But it’s MY idea, so I get the resulting fame and fortune, right?
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Very witty and entertaining. Finally, apps that make some sense to the iDon’t-Care-About-Smart-Phone set (there’s me and 3 other people in Siberia). We’re a small but plucky group!
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I’m with you, Lorna. I had to Google “Angry Birds” to make sure I got the name right!
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Congratulations Peg! First on the post, second on at least knowing enough to Google “Angry Birds.” With practical apps like yours a smart phone would be a smart investment. I would only ask that you add another app to convert sarcastic comments into genuinely sweet thoughts and words! Good luck with your entrepreneurial endeavor!!
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Do you mean me, Carol? You do mean me – I’m too sarcastic, aren’t I? Adding a Comment Sweetener app to the package.
Wish I had the technological ability to make these a reality. Anybody out there a brilliant programmer?
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I could justify a phone like this! Great post!
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Thanks! Maybe we could justify the expense if we could do more than play games and haunt Facebook on the things.
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I now have an overwhelming desire to use the phrase “golly!”
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Go with it – you might start a huge trend!
(BTW, I found you wondering in my spam folder, dazed and confused. Not sure how long you’ve been down there. Do you feel ok? Need some water?)
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Any chance you could market a Jeeves to Jethro app so I could converse with my neighbors?
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Just add “you-ens” to every sentence.
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I agree! This post has Freshly Pressed written all over it. 🙂 I loved this line, “With the Oration Betterification Compilation apps, even stupid people can use their smartphones wisely.” Hilarious.
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It seems that a lot of stupid people are doing much less with their phones right now.
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Oh, this was all kinds of funny!! Your Lifebuoy App reminds me of Airplane! when they would “clean up” the jive talk in the translated captions.
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That was great – Mrs. Ward Cleaver speaks jive. Of course!
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The Scrivener App sounds a lot like the Dragon Dictation app so, if you don’t want to go with a smart phone (the monthly costs are exorbitant) you could get it for an iPod Touch or iPad. Imagine the productivity for your blog. 🙂
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You mean somebody already stole my idea? Jeesh – some people!
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Once again Peg great blog . . . really witty! I’ve heard about the Angry Birds don’t know what they are, another stupid game? Don’t have a smart phone with all the bells and whistles, fight the power, but if one of your apps could help keep me from putting my thoughts out there before I think I would be happy, I tend to use my “inside my head voice” vocally, not a good thing! And as one of your commentors said I have the Dragon Dictation headset and you can use it to dictate to your computer but your app. sounds better! I’m on board . . . I hope someone helps you get it up and running! Ha, ha! You never know right? That’s how things start! Remember the little people who were behind you from the beginning . . .lol!
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Thanks, Evie! You mean there really is a dictation app? Shows how behind the times I am – I thought I just made it up! How does it work? I really do have a big problem of thinking up blog post ideas in the car, then losing them before I ever get back to my computer. I guess I could use an old-fashioned tape recorder.
I’ve never actually seen Angry Birds because I, too, am fighting the smartphone phenom.
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Yes! Everyone with their own Universal Translator. Maybe we could get a Klingon-to-Jeeves sub program for that app.
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I can see LOADS of demand for that app, can’t you?
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I would buy the “Tower” app in an instant, mostly for the next time I get a pedicure! It doesn’t happen often (let’s estimate once annually), but those days it does, I really wish I spoke Vietnamese.
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I know – what are they REALLY saying about your feet? Probably not all good, I’m sorry to say, Deb.
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Have you patented any of these ideas yet?
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Well, no, but that’s only because I figure the ideas aren’t any good without any technical knowledge to make them reality, right?
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