You can’t play Angry Birds all the time. Wouldn’t it be great if you could find smartphone apps to help when you have to deal with real life?
Look no further.
Turn your phone into a personal speech modifier with an exciting array of apps from Peg-Co. Introducing the Oration Betterification Compilation Suite.
Jethro-to-Jeeves App: Vocabulary and delivery not too impressive? Need a little help smoothing out the rough edges? The Jethro-to-Jeeves App takes your pitiful utterances, and crafts them into what you would have said if you had the smarts.
Here’s how its lexiconical magic can work for you in court, for example:
“Nu-uh! I warn’t doin’ no 80 in a school zone, and if that @&*# cop warn’t suckin’ on a donut with his thumb uppen his ass, ‘steada doin’ his job, he’d a seen it straight!’
“There must be some mistake, your Honor. I would never exceed the posted speed limit, especially not near an educational establishment, where doing so may put a youngster in peril. Perhaps the constable was distracted by a crime taking place in the bakery?”
Which comment do you think has a better chance of getting you out of a $350 speeding ticket?
Tower of Babel App: Four years of high school French and all you’ve mastered is “the pen is on the table”? Forget all that confusing conjugation and memorization and let the Tower of Babel App translate for you. Now you can find out what the little waitresses down at the China Palace REALLY think when you and your wide-load American friends belly up to their all-you-can-eat buffet.
Lifebuoy App: Has anyone ever said you should have your mouth washed out with soap? Do you drop the F-bomb like some people say “um”? That’s all well and good when you’re shooting the bull with the boys down at the garage, but not so great if you’re exchanging pleasantries with the Queen. Speak into your phone and the Lifebuoy App scrubs your speech of offensive words, leaving it fresh as a daisy.
“I dropped a %&$# wrench on my foot! @#$%!”
“I dropped a wrench on my foot! Golly, that smarts!”
Muffler App: Burning to tell your mother-in-law exactly what you think of her, but you’re in church? Dishing the dirt with a girlfriend at Wal-Mart, but you suspect the person next to you in line may be the subject’s mother? Activate the Muffler App. Just speak into your phone and it sucks all the volume out of your voice. The person on the other end of the line is the only one who can hear you.
Better than a Cone of Silence!
(Check out the Muffler Unraveler App, perfect for listening in on other people’s calls. Unraveler sold separately.)
Scrivener App: How often have you been stuck in traffic when creative lightning strikes? If you wait until you get to your computer, that brilliant idea for a best seller will be gone like a puff of smoke waved away by a born-again-ex-smoker. The Scrivener App translates your spoken words into print. Now you can dictate while ordering Big Macs in the drive-thru, then easily incorporate your gems into Word documents or WordPress drafts later on.
Don’t let the next, great train of thought leave the station without you aboard.
With the Oration Betterification Compilation apps, even stupid people can use their smartphones wisely. Because…Peg-Co puts the “smart” in smartphones.
*Peg-Co is a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries. All rights reserved. Peg-Co is not responsible for anything bad that might happen.