The Slightly Slutty Selfie and Other Feminine Poses

Football referees signal “off sides” by putting their hands on their hips. They probably think they invented that gesture, but…pffft. Amateur hour. Women have been using this move to send signals since the Stone Age, when Oog first staggered back to the cave drunk on fermented mastodon pee after a night out with his buddies.

Here are a few common messages this gesture may be sending.

What do you have to say for yourself?

handsonhipsmomBoth hands rest on the hips, the head juts slightly forward and the brow is lowered.

This is used to convey the vital message, “you got some ‘splainin to do.” Also, “you are in deep doo-doo.”

This woman is not trying to attract. No, she wants answers and she wants them right, damn now. The same posture may be used along with a wide variety of interrogatory phrases designed to gather important facts like:

  • Who were you with?
  • What do you have to say for yourself?
  • Where have you been?
  • Why in the world did you do that?
  • How in the hell did this happen?

Most of us first encounter this gesture from our moms, who are likely to end any of the accompanying questions with, “young man/ lady.”

Later in life, any wife or girlfriend worthy of the title can wield this gesture with the finesse of a skilled butcher using a sharp knife to fillet a side of beef. She might add the affectionate title, “buster,” to the end.

If this woman’s hands are clenched into fists, you may kiss your ass goodbye.

Helloooo? I DON’T have all day, here!

handsonhipsimpatientOne hand cups the hip, which is cocked to the side. The other leg extends forward and the head is to the side. An exaggerated sigh and a possible eye roll usually accompany this pose.

The message here is, “I have just about had it.” This is another statement that often ends in, “buster.”

If the woman standing like this is a loved one, this may signal the calm before a storm. Seek cover. If she is a customer, she is telling you that she is either just about to walk out, or she is going to ask to speak to your boss.

Beauty Queen


One hand on hip, fingers straight, one leg slightly in front of the other, and back erect.   The other hand will often be executing the signature fingers-together, full upper-arm, pivot-at-the-elbow wave that is peculiar to beauty queens.

This pose doesn’t scream sex; it’s all about good posture. The message being conveyed is, “I have spent the last 10 years walking around with a book on my head.”   Also, “obviously, I’ve got all the right equipment.  You can look, but don’t touch.”

Slightly Slutty Selfie

handsonhipsselfieOne hand on a cocked hip, leg bent, back arched and boobs up-thrust. This makes the arm looked toned and emphasizes the curve of breast to waist to hip.

Almost everyone with a smart phone camera and a Facebook account (which would be everyone in the Western world) has taken a selfie. This particular version has been snapped by women ranging from 12-year-olds, who should be too young to know anything about it, up to 50-year-olds, who should be old enough to know better.   The vast majority of women striking this pose are in their 20s and 30s.

The message is, “don’t I look good? Don’t you wish you had some of this?” Also, “I am NOT cheap and easy…but I might be easy-ish if you ply me with enough drinks.”

The Slightly Slutty Selfie is usually taken when out and about at the latest, hot nightspot. It may also be snapped at home in front of the bathroom mirror.   (Photo hint, ladies: when selfying in your bathroom mirror, if you first clean up the globs of toothpaste spit and underarm stubble-studded shaving cream in your sink, it lessens the risk that viewers will be distracted from how hot you look.)

Slightly Slutty Siamese Twins

handsonhipsselfiegirlsThis version of the Slightly Slutty Selfie involves two hot babes who look like they’ve been joined at the hip. Their curves are even more exaggerated and their boobs are thrust together so aggressively they may end up smushed.

The message being sent here is, “remember that Naughty Schoolgirls NR video with the girl-on-girl action you saw when you were 16? Remember?   Yeah, well, that’s probably not going to happen. But if you buy us some drinks you can fantasize about it for a while.”

The problem with this pose is that unless you can find someone else to do it, one of you is going to have to take the picture. The picture-taker risks exposing arm flab and her straightened posture is bound to make her boobs look saggier and her waist thicker than her gal pal. A Selfie-Stick won’t work when you need to snap two hot babes, so what’s a girl to do?

Have no fear, Peg-Co* to the rescue with another fine addition to our Social (Climbing) Media product lineup.

Introducing, the…

Bimbo Akimbo Selfie Harness (aka the BASH)


Here’s how it works. First, plug one end of our patented Watch The Birdie remote picture taker into the port on your phone. It connects via microscopic, fiber cable to the clicker you hold in your hand.  Put your phone in the cradle on the end of the BASH, slip the harness over your shoulders, put on your best suggestive smirk and press the clicker – it’s that simple!

The BASH is made of strong, lightweight, clear Lucite so it’s practically invisible in photos. It is designed to hold the camera up and to the side far enough away to get both of you in the picture and minimize unsightly double-chinnage. With the BASH, you’ll take perfect Slightly Slutty Siamese Twins Selfies every time.

Peg-Co’s Dream Fulfillment Team is standing by to take your order.  Have your credit card handy and call now!

*Peg-Co is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries. Our motto: We’re thinking deep, so you can stay shallow.

Posted in General Ramblings, Model Behavior, Peg-Co Catalog | Tagged , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Tell Those Extra Pounds To SCAT!


I’ve solved the secret of losing weight forever! Check it out over at the Nudge Wink Report.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:


I’ve spent half my life looking for an effective diet plan that doesn’t require any real willpower, and now the search is over. Introducing…the SCAT plan!

Inspiration came to me just as it did to Sir Isaac Newton: an apple fell on my head. OK, it wasn’t exactly an apple; it was a can of Glade Apple Pie Air Freshener. But that still qualifies as falling-fruit-induced-brilliance in my book.

I was in the air freshener aisle at the Dollar General looking for something to handle the odor situation in the office bathrooms.   Those can be total stink-bomb zones, as anyone who works in an office knows. Looking through the vast assortment of air fresheners it occurred to me that we humans commit an awful lot of shelf space and money to products designed to mask how stinky we are.   None of these products truly eliminates the bad smell, however…

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Posted in General Ramblings, Peg-Co Catalog | 1 Comment

Through The Glass, Darkly


The looking glass was Alice’s doorway to a brand, new world – Wonderland.  But I think a picture window might be a better metaphor for real life.  How we see things depends on whether we are inside looking out, or outside peering in.

An old friend of my husband’s called the other day.  The two met when they were 18 years old and they are still friends, though distance and circumstances dictate that they only talk a couple of times a year.  Bill wasn’t home so Doug and I chatted for a little while.

I don’t really know Doug that well.  The only time we met was when he came to visit when our kids were preteens, about 13 years ago.   He was supposed to stay with us for only a couple of days, but the visit stretched into a week.  Doug seemed like a nice guy, but my most vivid impression was how awkward it is to have a virtual stranger in your home for that long, especially since we had to leave him alone most of the time because of school and work commitments.   I developed a new appreciation for the old saying, “fish and company begin to stink after 3 days.”

I know that Doug is about 60 years old, has no children and is estranged from his family. He tried marriage twice, but it didn’t take. He has some health problems, vaguely alluded to, but I don’t know the particulars.

When he called,  Doug told me he had been dating a woman for a while and he thought things were going well between them.  Then she told him, out of the blue, that she didn’t want to see him anymore. She didn’t give an explanation.  He seemed bewildered and wounded by the sudden turn of events.

He said, “I often think about that time I came to visit, and I wonder if Bill knows how lucky he is.”

People say things like that all the time – it’s such a cliché it’s practically meaningless.  But not for Doug.  It seemed that he had really thought about it.

He went on, “Bill has two great children, a lovely home, and he has you to come home to every night. You have each other. That’s what I thought my life would be like.”

Then Doug said something that blew me away; “Bill got the life I always wanted.”

I was speechless.  How do you respond to something like that?

  • It ain’t always so great from this angle.
  • Bill might not agree with you.
  • It’s so very sad that your life hasn’t worked out like you expected.
  • You’re right; we’ve both been incredibly blessed.

Each of these responses is true, yet none is true; not by itself.

You’ve got to be careful when you press your nose up against the window of someone else’s life. A wave in the glass can distort your vision, or the light may shine in such a way as to trick your eyes.  What you take to be an inside view might be the outside reflecting off your own hopes, dreams, fears and experiences.

You can never be sure that what you THINK you see is really there.

On the other hand, sometimes you can be concentrating so hard on the dim, small interiors of your everyday world that you miss the big picture.  You develop a “can’t see the forest for the trees” sort of mindset.   It’s good to step out into the bright light now and then and change places with someone who sees things from a different vantage point.

When your life looks rather dull and flat to you, you might gain a fresh, new perspective by looking at it from the other side of the glass.


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Big Star = Big Head = Big Hair


TV shows with a historical setting were big in the 1960s and 70s. The only thing bigger than the shows was their stars’ hair.

Producers put some effort into making sets and costumes historically accurate, but often fell flat with the hairdos.

Pa Ingalls: No man living on the prairie in the 1800s would have had the shiny, luxuriously flowing mane of hair that Michael Landon sported. Neither would a woman, for that matter. Given that their Little House On the Prairie was likely a soddie made of dirt and grass, all sorts of critters would have dropped from the roof into Pa Ingall’s hair-nest the moment he stepped out of the tub. Even if he did wear his hair long, he wouldn’t have gone near that tub more than once a month. His locks would have looked more like stringy, black licorice than fluffy, cotton candy.

Potsie: Young men in the 1950s wore their hair slicked back in a DA. That’s what Richie Cunningham’s friend Potsie sported in the first years of Happy Days, but he abandoned the Brylcreem at the end.  In the last season, his thick, shining cap of 1980s hair could have earned him a spot as a Breck Girl.  If he’d worn it that way in the 50s, it would have earned him a spot behind the bleachers…getting beat up by the T-Birds.

Audra Barkley: Baby-pink lipstick and long, teased platinum blonde hair were all the rage in the 1960s. Who knew this was also the preferred style for a woman living in The Big Valley in the 1870s? In order to keep her bouffant in place during the heat and humidity of a wild, wild west summer, Audra must have kept a trough of Aqua Net hairspray right next to the horse trough.

Major Margaret Houlihan: MASH was set in a military hospital in Korea in the 1950s, and in the early years the show tried to be true to that period. In the end, their only concession to that setting was that the actors still wore olive green. Pesky details like historical accuracy and humor were cast aside in favor of a constant barrage of holier-than-thou lectures to us, the viewers.

The worst offender was Major Margaret Houlihan. If her deep tan, blindingly white tooth veneers, snug designer t-shirts and artfully tousled, streaked hair were truly representative of life in a Korean field hospital, the Army must have drafted all of their barbers from the ranks of Beverly Hills beauty salons.

These shows started out relatively faithful to their time periods, so what changed?

They made it big.

I suspect that the actors got more powerful as the shows got more popular, and after a couple of years on top of the ratings, even the secondary characters gained creative control. In Hollywood lingo that means, “if historical accuracy makes me look bad, then historical accuracy be damned.”

Hollywood has done a total turnaround in the last 40 years, and TV stars must have no creative control at all anymore. How else can we explain the fact that so many of today’s reality TV stars allow themselves to look so bad on screen? And by bad I mean shallow, selfish, immoral and stupid.

The good news is that most of them have really nice hair.

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You Vill Take Ze Toy Und You Vill Luff It


Ve haff vays… of making you see this advertising for a movie that the studio is paying us to plug.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?” says the bored, disembodied voice coming from the little box under the menu board in the drive-thru.

“Yeah, um…lemme see…gimme a kid’s meal with a cheeseburger and, um, a diet coke for the drink,” I say, eloquently. “Please,” I add.  It’s an afterthought, but at least I remembered.

“Gogurt or apples slices?” says the voice.  It is obvious the voice couldn’t care less about my dining preferences.

“Um…Gogurt,” says me, “oh, and no toy.”

“No toy?” comes voice, a little more interested now.

“No toy. It’s for me,” says I.

“$3.67 at the first window,” says the voice, and I proceed as instructed.

Turns out the voice belongs to a fresh-faced, teenage girl. She slides the window back when I drive up and repeats, “$3.67 please.”

I get busy corralling bills and accumulating exact change.

“No, she said no toy,” girl says. I look up, but she is not talking to me. She is talking into her headset.

“Wa wa wa,” says faint voice coming through headset.

“Yes, she knows the Happy Meal comes with a toy, but she doesn’t want it,” girl says into headset.

“Wa wa wa,” says headset voice.

“The Happy Meal is for me,” I say, helpfully, although I think the order-taking/cashier-girl already gets that. It’s the unseen body on the other end of the headset who needs convincing.

“I don’t need a toy,” I continue. “Might be pretty silly if I did at my age.  Besides, I’ll just throw it out, so why have it end up in the landfill?”

I give her $5.67.

Girl looks up briefly and offers a faint smile of acknowledgement, then returns her attention to her headset.

“Wa wa wa,” comes thru, soft and garbled.

“I know the boxes already have the toys in them. Just take it out before you put the cheeseburger in. What’s the big deal?” Girl looks at me and rolls her eyes. She may be a bored teenager, but she’s not an idiot. Apparently the same cannot be said for the person in charge of Happy Meal construction.

Girl gives me back $2 and says, “jeez, it’s like they’re the FBI. I get 20 questions for saying no Happy Meal toy.” She gives me a genuine smile this time.

“Thanks,” I say, smiling back, and then I drive on.

“One cheeseburger Happy Meal,” says the cheerful, pimply guy at the second window, handing me a 4-inch tall drink and a bright, red box.

“Thanks,” I say, and then I head out to get on with the rest of my life.

I’m waiting until I get back to the office to eat, but I can’t resist sneaking a couple of fries on the way – who can?  I unfold the top of the box, reach in to snag some salty goodness and pull out… the How To Train Your Dragon 2 Toy.

Resistance is futile.





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Ask Miss Peg-o-Leg


Big Deborah courtesy of the interwebz

Have you ever started an advice column without remembering a thing about it?

Apparently I did.  That’s the only way to explain all the requests for advice I’ve gotten lately; requests which, I might add, somehow landed in my spam blocker.  I must have been sleepwalking when I set this up, but I don’t want to disappoint my readers.

Here are just a few of the cries for help that have come to me:

Question: Do you need unique articles for your page ?

Answer: Nope. I’ve given up on “unique” and am shooting for “slap something up there.”
 From: Peg-o-Leg

Question: Hellо there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it’s really informɑtive. I am going to watch out for bгussels.  Will you continue this benefit in fսture?
From: clip2vip2

Answer: You bet your sweet bippy I will continue this benefit, just as long as anyone wants to read it.  I’m not sure if you’re interested in the city of Brussels or the cruciferous vegetables also known as “sprouts.”  But if you hang around here long enough, I can practically guarantee I will be so desperate for material that I’ll cover both topics at some point.
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question:  this weekend is ցood for me, as this moment i am reading thіs impressive informatiѵe piece of writing heгe at my residence. What’s սp?
From: a bunch of Arabic characters. I don’t read Arabic

Answer: Not much.  What’s up with you?
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question:  I have a video post in blogger then how can I put a repost link to that? I have already go to addthis but don’t know how to put the code in its proper place wherein the individual posts are being place with an embed this or repost this or share this. Please help..
From: girlsgonewild

Answer: Sorry, I don’t really know much about the mechanics of blogging.  Check the WordPress Forums and they’re sure to have helpful hints.
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question: A few of my blog readers have complained about my site not working correctly in Explorer but looks great in Safari. Do you have any solutions to help fix this issue?
From: Google

Answer: No.
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question: How do I add the Google Analytics code to a Joomla website?

Answer: How the hell should I know??
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question: Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thank you so much, However I am having issues with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I am unable to subscribe to it.  Is there anyone else having similar RSS issues?

Answer: WTF?!?? What’s with all the technical questions, people?  This is a humor blog – LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  By the way, it’s “dudette.”
From: Peg-o-Leg

Question: What would cause a lingering smell from little debbie snack cakes?

Answer: There are a number of possibilities:

  • Those are not Fudge Swirls – they’re turds.littledebbiefudgeswirls
  • Someone didn’t thoroughly clean their Honey Buns.
  • Zebra Cakes are made from real zebras.
  • The Cheese Danish is made from the funk growing in the folds of belly fat of the people who eat too many Little Debbie snacks.
  • What lingering smell?  The package of Nutty Bars I just finished off smelled fine!

From: Peg-o-Leg

To those who are still anxiously awaiting my advice, rest assured that I will get to your questions shortly.  Just as soon as I can figure out the subscription issues with my RSS.

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In Defense Of The Fanny Pack


I’m over at The Nudge Wink Report today, commenting on a vital matter of international significance. Hurry over and let your voice be heard.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

Looking stylish, OH yeah. Chillin’ with the rest of the PTA and lookin’ goooooood.

I have a fanny pack.  I’m not talking about a 20-year old leftover sitting in the bottom of the Goodwill donation box, nor am I being ironic.  I own a fanny pack, I use it, and I like it. Deal.

I realize that any shred of cool I might have claimed has just gone out the window, and I hope we can still be friends. My daughters treat me like a leper if we’re out in public and I’m fanny-tized.   When we went to New York City a couple of years ago I was afraid they would be abducted off the streets of Chinatown because they insisted on walking several blocks behind me.

Me on vaca. What? WHAT??? This is me on vaca in The Big Apple. What? WHAT???

I don’t fanny-up for important business meetings, swanky events or funerals – there’s a time and…

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