Facebook is great for staying in touch with family and friends, but I like to think that its main purpose is providing a forum for the free and respectful exchange of ideas.

Bwahahahahaha!

I know, right?  Good one, Peg.  Sometimes I even slay myself (wipes tears of laughter from streaming eyes.)

But seriously…

Facebook used to be a hip and happening place, where young people shared details of their exciting social lives.  Once we seniors figured out how to get on there, however, almost everyone under 50 abandoned it.  Now it’s used primarily for:

1. Sharing pictures of grandchildren/sunsets/food/thoughts for the day.
2. Sharing pictures of ourselves, but only if we’ve recently lost a ton of weight or had a bit of a facial “refresh.”
3. Sharing photos of our dream vacations that others only wish they could afford.
4. Direct selling Fountain of Youth supplements, creams, etc to all of our “friends,” including everyone we ever met to whom we had previously barely given the time of day, but recently asked to be “friends” so they can buy the stuff we’re selling.
5. Espousing our political views and explaining how those who disagree don’t deserve to breathe the same air.  Or any air.

Several of my retired “friends” seem to have made Option #5 their new, full time jobs.

Since very few people want to take the time to fully explore the nuances of complex societal issues, and many seem to lack the mental bandwidth to understand these, let alone debate them, how is the average Joe supposed to “get in the game” when it comes to political commentary?

Peg Co* is proud to present: “Shutting Down Debate When You Got Nothing But Hate: A Troll’s Guide.”

Our experts have done extensive market analysis to come up with the best ammunition for quick and easy, drop-and-dash responses to opposing viewpoints.  We’ve compiled our research into this comprehensive playbook that lets you battle like a bot, providing maximum offense for minimum effort.

Here are just a few of our brilliant suggested responses for posts you don’t agree with:

1. “Make it make sense.”
2. “Tell me you are (insert sneering insult here) without telling me you are (repeat sneering insult).”  Complete with comprehensive selection of sneering insults for all occasions
3.  “You’re full of sh*t/f**k you.” Short and crude, these options can be effective but usually backfire.  Most readers figure the user is really saying, “I got nothing.”
4. “Prove (insert whatever poster said because they are somewhere on the continuum from pitifully misguided to literally an existential threat to our democracy). I’ll wait.”
5. January 6^th
6. “When did they know he was senile?”
7. “Release the files.”
8. “Who was operating the autopen?”
9. “Sweetheart/honey/ babycakes…” Considered endearments when used by someone who loves you, being addressed this way in a Facebook comment is the verbal equivalent of a supposedly intellectually superior adult giving a condescending pat on the head to a simple child.  Used almost exclusively by men to demean women they don’t know.  Important life hack: good indicator of how the commenter really feels about ALL women.
10. “Bless your heart.” Translation: See Response #3.  Strict societal norms limit usage to women of a certain age who were born south of the Mason-Dixon Line.
11. Clown emojis.  Helpful tip: 1 clown is considered amateur and 7 is trying too hard.  3 is a nice balance.
12. Insert unflattering caricature of public figure you hate.  Wide selection of full-color, high quality pictures available – drawings, doctored photos or AI generated.
13. Repost memes from reputable hate-speech vendors.  We provide affiliate links for all the major suppliers, with content that runs the gamut from slightly mocking to outright lying to disgustingly offensive to any decent person.  Premium subscribers get deep discounts on content from Occupy Democrats.
14. Out of context quotes from the Bible, other great literature, and public figures, living or dead. Choose from our full menu, which can be custom-twisted to support whatever point you want to make.  Premium subscribers get “quotes” that these figures never even said.  100% made up!  You can rest assured that nobody actually checks to see if the quote is true, and calm your conscience (if you go in for that sort of thing) because you just KNOW that this is for SURE what the misquoted person really thinks.
15. Charlie Kirk option.

Whether you want to respond to “friends” or kick it up a notch by attacking the opinions of random strangers, we’ve got you covered.  Armed with our invaluable guide, even the dullest political parrot can strut through Facebook, confident that all will see how clever and enlightened they are, and how hard they are working to make the world a better place by regurgitating someone else’s mean opinions.

Call today to order your copy of “Shutting down Debate When You Got Nothing but Hate: A Troll’s Guide.” It’s the best hate money can buy.  Operators are standing by. 

*Peg-Co is not responsible for possible negative side-effects including but not limited to: increased blood pressure, alienation of formerly dear friends and family, and the sour, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes with the realization that labeling everyone who disagrees with you as either stupid or evil damages society and may diminish you as a human being. 

Peg-Co is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries.