One of my New Year’s resolutions was to lose weight. Imagine that. That’s why I found myself wrestling with half a grapefruit at lunch today. Taming that grapefruit took a lot more effort than it ever did to wolf down my usual lunch; a Supersized Big Mac Value Meal. I worked up a sweat digging out the juicy bits stubbornly clinging to the bottom, and, when one citric acid squirt got me square in the eye, must have burned off 200 calories doing the Angry Swearing Dance of Owwie Pain.
Foods in their natural states are generally both lower in calories and a whole lot more work to get mouth-ready. Processed foods, by their very definition, have already been processed. All you have to do is open the package. (1) These facts are the building blocks for Peg-Co’s revolutionary new weight loss plan…
The Work-for-it Diet.
The nutritionistas at Peg-Co have done lots and lots of really scientific research to come up with this plan. With the Work-for-it-Diet you avoid all processed foods. You’ll lose weight naturally, organically, by eating only things you grow, hunt, gather and prepare yourself. Our cardinal rule is:
If you didn’t bag it, you can’t eat it. (2)
A couple of examples will dramatically illustrate how much more effort natural foods require than (practically) the exact same food in its processed state.
- Buy a big gun
- Learn to shoot
- Fly to Africa
- Go on safari
- Camp out in the bush
- Shoot zebra
- Skin zebra
- Marinate zebra in a combination of soy sauce, garlic and olive oil for approximately 8 hours (15 minutes if no refrigeration available)
- Gather wood
- Make bonfire
- Cook zebra
- Eat zebra
- Contract intestinal parasite resulting in the loss of zebra and rest of the contents of your digestive tract, from both ends, round the clock for the next 7 days
Calories gained: negative 30,000
- Plant apple seed
- Provide sun, rain and fertilizer for 10 years until you have an apple tree capable of bearing fruit
- Spray pesticides like Alar so worms and bugs leave a little for you
- Build, equip and maintain migrant housing that is fully compliant with all ADA, OSHA and INS regulations
- Fail OSHA inspection, can’t hire workers, harvest apple yourself
- Wash the hell out of apple to remove all traces of Alar which leading scientists like Meryl Streep say causes children to be born with 5 heads
- Eat apple
Calories gained: 50
- Go to bar
- Order Appletini
- Drink Appletini
- Order Appletini #2
- Drink Appletini
- Order Appletini #3
- Drink Appletini
- Make bad food choice and single-handedly consume entire fried Blooming Onion
- Order Appletini #…#… who’s counting?
- Drink Appletini
- Make bad life choice and hook up with loser you wouldn’t have given the time of day pre-Appletini
Calories gained: 5,400
With the Peg-Co diet, you’ll see dramatic results right away and will look like a high-fashion runway model in no time. Heck, you’ll be lucky if you can take in enough calories to sustain basic human bodily functions!
How much would you expect to pay to unlock the secrets of permanent weight loss forever – $100? $1000? $1,523,789??? Put away your wallet, because the Work-For-It Diet is FREE. You read that right. Motivated solely by concern for the well-being and health of mankind, Peg-Co is providing this life-changing diet absolutely FREE. Call and the Work-For-it-Diet, printed on a sheet of high quality, 20-pound copy paper, will be rushed to you via 3rd class mail. Just pay the separate low, low, shipping and handling charge in four EZ installments of $29.99 each. You’re welcome.
Reserve your FREE copy of the Peg-Co Work-For-It Diet today. Money back if you are not completely satisfied! (Except for the separate low, low shipping and handling charge in four EZ installments of $29.99 each. We keep that. ) Peg-Co operators are standing by, so call now!(3)
(1) Although still somewhat easier than tracking and bagging live prey, opening a modern package is often a challenge in and of itself. Why do packages, especially those wrapped in cellophane, rip everywhere EXCEPT along the seam where you want it to, with the result that you have breakfast cereal, beef jerky or Little Debbie Zebra Cakes flying all over the place? I have 2 nephews in the packaging business and a third in college studying to join them, and whenever I am foiled by a confounded package, I shake my fist at the sky and yell, “Curse you packaging nephews!” Feel free to do the same – it helps to vent a little spleen.
(2) The one exception to the cardinal rule is that tap and bottled water are allowed. The Peg-Co nutritionistas decided it might be unreasonable to require each dieter to dig their own well.
(3) Neither Peg-Co nor its parent company, Peg-o-Leg Industries, is responsible for any bad stuff that could possibly happen while on the Work-For-It Diet, including but not limited to:
- being stranded in an unstable country during a military coup while on safari
- getting sick from mushrooms you gathered which you thought were those yummy kind you’ve had sauteed in butter at nice restaurants, but it turns out there’s a poisonous kind that looks just like them
- tickets and fines for taking down squirrels and assorted small animals in the neighborhood if hunting is not allowed within city limits.
Peg-Co is entitled to a 10% finders fee if dieter lands a contract as a high fashion model after their extreme weight loss.