Reality television is now an established staple of the American viewing diet. Although many can’t understand why anyone would want their dirty laundry and bad behavior exposed for the world to see, it’s obvious the reality TV industry has an unlimited pool of talent (?) from which to choose.
Do you want to be a reality TV star? Are you looking for a way to break through the log-jam of other wannabes like a shark plowing through throngs of swimmers at the beach?
I can show you how – the secret is crystal CLR.
The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning is pleased to present our latest course:
Reality TV 101
After years of exhaustive research (aka watching TV until my eyes crossed) I’ve developed a soon-to-be-patented formula for getting to the top in this competitive industry: the CLR Method. It’s all about being Crude, Lewd & Rude:
1) very simple and basic: made or done in a way that does not show a lot of skill
2) rude in a way that makes people uncomfortable; especially, talking about sexual matters in a rude way
No brains? No talent? No problem! We’ll explore the many ways you can turn your total lack of any traditionally admirable traits and achievements into reality gold by exposing your stupidity to the TV-viewing public.
1) sexual in an offensive or rude way; obscene, vulgar
You’ll spend hours in the speech lab perfecting techniques for dropping enough f-bombs (and other obscenity grenades) to boost ratings, but not so many the viewer can’t understand what you’re saying. We’ll also explore the fine line between oozing sex and being too raunchy to get past what little censorship still exists on modern television. We’ll show you how to walk that line for profit. After all, the goal is to be a reality star, not a porn star. (Porn star skill-sets are covered in our 200-level courses.)
1) not having or showing concern or respect for the rights and feelings of other people; not polite
2) relating to sex or other body functions in a way that offends others
3) happening suddenly in usually an unpleasant or shocking way
You’ll learn to show a total lack of interest in anyone else’s feelings and focus exclusively on your own, petty, first-world problems. Extra emphasis will be placed on obsessing about your increasingly artificial physical appearance. Study will lead progressively to more advanced techniques, like how to express your feelings by tipping over tables and throwing chairs.
With our personalized instruction and hours of hands-on lab practice, you’ll soon be acting crude, lewd and rude all at the same time – the trifecta of reality TV.
Reality TV 101 is a core class in our (Crimes Against) Humanities Department, but may be taken on its own as an adult education class. Tuition is only $20,000 per semester. This paltry fee may easily be covered by a student loan guaranteed by the federal government (aka the American taxpayer.) Don’t worry about paying it back – that will be a piece of cake once you’re rolling in the dough as the star of your own reality TV show.
Call The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning today, and soon you’ll be on your way to an exciting career as a famous reality star using the CLR Method. Have your credit card handy* – operators are standing by!
*If your credit card limits aren’t high enough, or are already maxed, The Peg-o-Leg Institute of Lower Learning has made arrangements with outside vendors for alternative financing:
– Dewey Cheetum National Bank: Have full financial information ready to complete a second mortgage application.
– ACME Organ And Pawn Shop: Have full medical information ready and be prepared for a physical. ACME is offering an extra 15% for kidneys during their back-to-school special!