You can’t watch Bravo, E! and other highbrow TV channels, or pass magazines like Us Weekly or Star in the check-out lane at the grocery store without being bombarded with pictures of the Beautiful People. How did they get that way? More importantly: how can YOU get that way?
For the first time ever, secrets once known only to the Beautiful People are revealed to you, the Unwashed Masses. Here are my 10 Beauty Tips for Beautiful Beauty:
1) Be young.
I recommend being 16 years old. Time, sun and gravity are all fighting against you and they start winning the battle once you pass 20. Any younger than 16, however, and the benefits of firm, youthful skin are outweighed by the flesh-crawling-creepiness of the realization that the sex god or goddess being lusted after is little more than a child.
If those sexy children are professional models selling beauty and fashion products, however, it’s OK. This is considered normal business practice.
2) Be rich.
Poor people have to spend their money on non-beautifying items like “food” and “shelter.” This leaves very little spending cash for essentials like $1000 per half-ounce face cream made from baby beluga whale testicles, which elixir is guaranteed to possibly temporarily reduce the appearance of fine lines when viewed in extremely murky light.
In this area, less is never more: more is more. More money is always more betterer when pursuing beauty.
3) Pick good parents.
Scientists say genetics are perhaps the single most important determinant of health, and the same goes for beauty. It’s crucial to select your parents carefully because when you look at them, you’re looking at your future. Ask yourself:
- Do Mom’s jowls keep quivering for 5 minutes after she stops shaking her head?
- Does Dad’s paunch make people ask when the baby is due?
- Do the varicose veins on Mom’s legs look like a New Jersey road map?
- Does the top of Dad’s head resemble the “before” picture in a Sy Sperling Hair Club commercial?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, you may want to consider trading these parents in for better models.
4) Have big lips.
The tiny, bee-stung mouth was all the rage in the Roaring Twenties, but times and fashions change. Now you have no chance at being considered beautiful unless your lips are roughly the size and color of a baboon’s ass in heat. Good thing you’re rich (see Tip #2) so you can afford to have tissue from dead people surgically implanted in your lips, a procedure known as the “Real Housewife.”
5) Avoid stress.
Stress causes wrinkles which make you look old, which is not young, and therefore not beautiful (see Tip #1.) Some of the major life stressers to avoid are:
- Thoughts of renouncing your U.S. citizenship if either Trump or Clinton gets in
“How,” you may ask “can I avoid these things?”
If you have already followed Tip #2 and are rich, you are well on your way to minimizing stress. You can afford to ignore people and situations you don’t like. You can spend your days at the spa listening to calming, New Age music while pursuing the latest money-is-no-object beauty treatment, like having your body slathered in mud made from pulverized lava from Mount Vesuvius, 14k gold dust and Peruvian llama urine.
It is a tiring regimen, I know, but nobody said that being beautiful was easy. Anything truly worthwhile in life rarely is.
6) Hang out with ugly people.
Make sure you are always the best looking in any group by only socializing with those who are uglier or fatter than you – preferably both at the same time. Clever people learn this tactic in junior high and perfect it in high school.
If the ugly people around you are your parents, however, you may be in trouble (see Tip #3.)
7) Avoid the sun.
The sun causes wrinkles which make you look old. As we have already learned (see Tip #1) being young is vital for beauty so avoid the sun at all costs. The problem is that hot young surfer babes and studs look even hotter with a deep suntan. Alas, the very thing that enhances beauty in the short run will destroy it in the long run. This is what we call a Beauty Conundrum.
Your best bet is to lie out in the sun a lot when you’re 16, and then stay that age.
8) Be dumb.
Thinking involves concentration, and most people knit their brow and purse their lips when they do that. These activities lead to wrinkles, assuming your lips haven’t been so stuffed with cadaver tissue that they can no longer move.
Besides, it is a truth universally acknowledged (in every teen movie and Rom-com made in the last 30 years) that smart people always have glasses, pull their hair back in tight buns and wear sensible shoes. They can’t possibly be beautiful.
There you have it. Learn my 10 Beauty Tips for Beautiful Beauty and follow them faithfully and soon you, too, will be beautiful. Couple your newfound beauty with behavior that even trailer-trash would consider tacky, and you might catch the eye of a reality TV producer. Someday YOU may be one of the Beautiful People staring out at the Unwashed Masses from the cover of a check-out lane magazine.