Back away. Back. Away. Now.
I’ve got a sharpened #2 Ticonderoga pointed at my jugular, and I’m not afraid to use it.
The floor is littered with broken pencils, crumpled 8863s and tufts of naturally blond hair, pulled out by the roots. The air reeks of stale coffee and desperation.
I’ll never get my taxes done.
First I have to do federal for daughter #2 as a dependent, then again with her on her own. After I figure which is best, I need to do federal for me and the hubster. Then do state of Illinois for me and state of California for daughter #2.
Then pay everyone money. Lots and lots of money.
I’m an intelligent woman. For cripes sake, I took both tax and cost accounting in college. But I can’t do it. I CAN’T DO IT!
These are the actual instructions for a worksheet from the 1040 instructions. No, don’t look away, you coward. In order to fight evil, you must first recognize it.
This is the “Simplified Method”, thank goodness! All you have to do is:
1) Enter the total annuity payment from the Form 1099-R
2) Enter the cost of the starting plan, except if you completed this worksheet last year. Then skip line 3 and enter the amount from line 4 of last year’s worksheet on line 4
3) Enter the appropriate number from Table 1 below, BUT if the annuity starting date is after 1997 then
4) left hand red and
5) right foot blue
The IRS is playing Twister with my brain.
I can’t even figure out when I need to send these in. Aren’t taxes always due on 4/15? Unless 4/15 falls on a weekend, then it’s the next business day. Unless the next business day is a holiday in the District of Columbia. No fooling. Washington D. C., one city – not even a state – is having a holiday, so the due date has been changed for the entire country.
Well guess what? I can’t turn my taxes in on Monday, because it’s an important holiday here in Peg-o-Legville. It’s the annual Goober Festival. We spend the entire month of April celebrating this character’s lasting contribution to American television. Some also celebrate peanuts, and that’s ok, too. The point is it’s only fair that NOBODY has to do his or her taxes until 5/1 when our holiday is over.
Why can’t there be one tax? They could shorten the whole, foul business down to 2 lines on the return:
-Did you make any money last year?
-Send it in.
Shhh. What was that sound? Did you hear that? They’ve got the place surrounded. The IRS is everywhere, and now they’re coming for me, but I’m not going quietly. I’m taking their foul minions down with me. They will all be bloody with pointy pencil pokes and paper cuts before this is through.
It’s too late for me, but save yourselves! File the short form.