I’m a people person. I like people. I NEED people. According to Babs, that makes me one of the luckiest people in the world. But there are some people who, when you see them coming, you just know that things are not going to turn out well.
- Mr. Whipple: you’ll feel dirty watching him accost the pervert in the paper goods aisle who is inappropriately fondling toilet tissue.
- Zombies: Even though you’re a healthy, 18-year-old track star and the undead move at the pace of the glaciers that carved out the Great Lakes, you’re going to trip and lie immobile in the street like an old lady stretched out on her bathroom floor in a Life Alert commercial. The zombies will eat your brains. Unless you’re the hero and his/her main squeeze, in which case you’ll be OK.
- Jessica Fletcher: somebody’s going to wind up dead. The citizens of Cabot Cove finally figured out that it wasn’t normal for a town of 300 to have 52 murders per year, and residents signed a petition asking Mrs. Fletcher to leave.
- Flo: her voice, her headband, her red lipstick – the very air she breathes is hateful to me. Each time those Progressive ads come on the telly, I hit the remote. *Interesting side statistic: The chance of such channel-changing landing on a commercial for some other car insurance company like Geico, eSurance, All State, State Farm or Farmers, or even another Progressive ad, is approximately 97%.*
- That lady in the Phillips colon health t-shirt: she knows all the dirty secrets of your digestive system and she’s not shy about announcing them to the world. At the drugstore, on a plane, or at a PTA meeting… you’ll never be safe from her chipper, booming inquiry, “DO YOU HAVE GAS AND BLOATING?”
- One of those plastic, reality-show bimbos: bad language, fights, lewdness and shallow stupidity are sure to follow. These people are desperate to extend their 15 minutes of fame and, since they must accomplish this without benefit of talent, they do so by appealing to America’s seemingly endless appetite for film footage of artificially enhanced people behaving badly in a variety of settings.
- A man & woman reclining in bathtubs on a beach: somebody is about to subject you to an extremely personal, uncomfortable discussion of their, er, sexual performance issues. TMI and then some.
Who makes you want to run for the hills?