My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining The US Economy – Again

Christmas is all about traditions.  Every year we unpack our favorite, old ornaments.  We unearth our Bing Crosby and Manheim Steamroller CDs.  We watch A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th St. and It’s a Wonderful Life.

Around this blog, tradition means dusting off the ghosts of Christmas blog posts past.  This little ditty was my first ever Freshly Pressed.  Hope it helps firm your resolve to do the right thing for our country!

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Support your local eggnog farmer!

Support your local eggnog farmer!

My sister-in-law, Lisa, just announced she is starting a diet.  With 3 weeks to go until Christmas.

This is wrong on so many levels.  Besides the masochistic overtones, we have to consider how such a move might affect the nation’s economic recovery.

Lisa just wants to look hot for New Years Eve.   But she may be starting a dangerous trend.  Perhaps I can help her to see the bigger picture – what economists call the unintended consequences.

Seasonal industries have just a small window of opportunity to make sales.  (i.e. yellow marshmallow chickees that can only be sold for 1 week before Easter.)  In December, fattening Christmas food companies are scrambling to make their budget goals.

Take eggnog.   Its rich, creamy goodness is almost synonymous with Christmas.  But where does it come from?  Family farms in the heartland keep herds of  special, eggnog-producing cows just for the Christmas season.  No eggnog, no eggnog farms.

All the farms will be sold for shopping malls, the farm children will have to leave the land for New York to become actor/model/waiters and the cows will be processed into McBurgers.  Do you want to be responsible for the end of the family farm in America, Lisa?

And what about that company that makes those chocolate-covered cherries that you can get for $1 at Big Lots and other fine emporiums?  They do all their sales this month.  Does it occur to you, Lisa, that the firm that makes those has employees?  If health-conscious, get-in-shape people don’t buy those candies, all the chocolate-covered cherry employees and their families, some of whom might have lame children who use crutches, will be out on the streets. Just in time for Christmas, you Scrooge!

These are just a few of the businesses that would be affected. There are anise-flavored cookies, monastery-made bourbon fudge and whisky fruitcake, and candy canes.   I’m sure we could come up with lots of examples.

Sure, tofu sales will go up. But that won’t increase jobs.  There is such a huge surplus of tofu just sitting around on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator case in the grocery store produce section (often right under the Bleu Cheese crumbles, ironically), we could go years without making any more.

And what about after Christmas?  In the natural order of things, you sign up for diet and exercise programs in January.  If nobody is overindulging in December, no one will be repentant and resolved to change in January.

80% of the YMCA’s income is derived from initial membership fees garnered in January.  They can’t rely on the monthly fees, because those dry up in March.  That’s when the new members cancel, although they actually stop working out after only 2 weeks.  (The Y does get residual income from all the new members who forget they signed up to have the dues automatically deducted from their bank account.  They can end up paying for years after their actual 2-week attendance is over.)

Eat, papa, eat!

Do you want to be responsible for closing the doors on a fine, old institution like the Young Men’s Christian Association?  And then what?  Our nation’s young men will be out on the streets, joining gangs, becoming hooligans, and not being Christian.

Nutrisystems will go back to using their food as industrial lubricants, Jenny Craig will have to get a job as a brownie taster and South Beach will be deserted. Dr. Atkins will turn over in his grave!

(“America the Beautiful” starts softly in the background).

We are trying to climb out of a terrible recession right now, Lisa.  Our president, and our congressmen and women, are working hard to get this economy back on track

(for amber waves of grain…)

It is the duty of every American to help in this struggle.  If you think your hot-ness is more important than your country, Lisa, keep up the pre-Christmas diet.  Help put thousands, nay millions of our fellow Americans out of work.

But as for me and mine, we love the U.S. of A., and we will support her!

(music builds to a crescendo, “from sea to shining sea!”, I get up and walk out like that scene in Animal House where Dean Wormer revokes the Delta’s charter because they have been on double-secret probation ).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some peppermint stick ice cream!

 

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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27 Responses to My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining The US Economy – Again

  1. misswhiplash says:

    I loved that…Did you actually get FP’d? And more than once! Wow!
    but now for the important question…Did Lisa lose her weight!??????

    Like

  2. Tori Nelson says:

    “Our nation’s young men will be out on the streets, joining gangs, becoming hooligans, and not being Christian.” Oh God. I think this is the pre-plot to every post-apocolyptic movie I’ve ever seen. I just never knew what started it, and now I do. Damn it, Lisa.

    Like

  3. rachelocal says:

    So I especially love the caption “Eat, Papa, Eat!” Such a great quote from a classic movie. Mrs. Clause is so demanding.

    In honor of this delightful post, I’m off to buy 18 tubes of the most expensive wrapping paper I can find, a second copy of It’s a Wonderful Life on DVD (just in case something happens to my first copy) and all the books on Amazon. You’re welcome, America.

    Like

  4. This is hilarious . . . I think you should buy your sister sweets for Christmas and eat them if she doesnt;D

    Like

  5. notquiteold says:

    I think this was my first introduction to you… and it was a doozy!

    Like

  6. This brings a nostalgic tear to my eye … yes, this is how I found you in the blogosphere … a classic that bears re-reading from year to year … and please order me a pumpkin pie latte … they only have ’em this time of year ya know!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      It’s been 2 years, Paula! Thanks for your loyalty – I appreciate it.

      You only get to sing “melikelikemaka” where you live, right? Palm trees and Santa in swim trunks?

      Like

  7. Al says:

    I remember this one. Laughed just as hard this time. Not to mention that I have used it to forestall dieting for the last two years.

    Like

  8. Peg, I’m trying to get in touch with you. Can you email me at lifeintheboomerlane@gmail.com? Thanks! –R

    Like

  9. My heart swelled with pride when the song reached its climax. I need something fattening now.

    Like

  10. Diet? What is that? I am not certain I know how to spell it without ‘copy and paste’. I suggest chocolate gifts as the Advent present sent to your SIL.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Diet is a four-letter word to me this Christmas. Coming after all my smug skinniness last year, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. So I’ll wash it down with more cheap Muscato!

      Like

  11. Peg! You are TOTALLY over 100K! Congratulations!!! Huzzah! Huzzah!
    🙂

    Like

  12. Peg, they say you learn something new every day. And now I can credit you for this gem: “special, eggnog-producing cows.” 🙂 That’s really cool. Can’t wait to spot one and show it to the kids!

    In all seriousness, thanks for the laugh, and I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season filled with lots of cookies, cakes, and of course, eggnog.

    Like

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