Dear Mom & Dad,
We need to talk. Parents are supposed to love all their kids equally, but it’s obvious you care more for some of your other states than you do for me. It’s breaking my heart.
I know for a fact you visit Wisconsin all the time because I see your car in the driveway. Same for Iowa. I live right next-door, for goodness sake, but do you stop by? No! It’s as if I’m dead to you.
Before you say it’s all in my head, let me tell you us kids have been talking and I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Poor West Virginia said she’s got tread marks on her scalp from you running over her in your zeal to get to your precious, widdle Ohio-pookums. How do you think that makes us feel?
I haven’t seen either of you in months. You don’t write, you don’t call, you haven’t bought one, single mud-slinging campaign ad on my local channels. You don’t care what I think and that hurts. It hurts deeply. If it weren’t for this faded photo from the primaries, I wouldn’t even remember what you look like.
Mom, you take me for granted. You think I’m the “good” kid who will love you no matter what. Don’t be too sure. And Dad, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but we can still salvage this relationship. Don’t give up on me!
It’s not the money…all I want is an equal share of your love and attention. Although I’ve got to admit, the way you’ve been showering the swing sibs with gifts and nothing for the rest of us, well, it cuts like a knife. It seems we have been written out of your will.
Nevada, Florida and North Carolina are bragging about all the pork they’re going to get and Colorado said you promised her Grandma’s ring.
Apparently there is a Santa Claus, at least if you’re Virginia.
Ohio’s the worst- she’s becoming insufferable. You can’t turn on the TV or open a paper without seeing the two of you sucking up to her. Show some dignity, for goodness sake. What’s so great about her? Why do you love HER more than ME???
Keep playing favorites like this and it’s going to backfire on you. Your faves will spend all your money and leave you old, sick and poor. When that happens, don’t come crawling to the rest of us for help. I’m sure you can count on your darling Pennsylvania to give you a home. A nursing home, that is.
Your Heartbroken Daughter,