Why You’ll Never See Ornamental Cabbage On The Cover Of “Us Weekly”

Beauty is only leaf-deep.

I wish I were gorgeous.

If you’re beautiful, that’s all you need to achieve fame and fortune (F&F) in life.

I’ve done a lot of scientific research on this topic.  That research consists of watching TV, reading tabloids in the checkout line at the grocery store, and thinking about the subject when I should have been doing something else.

My research reveals that there are a limited number of paths to F&F.  Here are the qualities you need to get there*:

  • Smarts
  • Talent
  • Creativity
  • Hard Work
  • Beauty

The trouble with most of these qualities is they have to be paired with Hard Work.  You can be a better natural ball player than Michael Jordan (talent) but it means nothing without hours of practice.  If you come up with a better mousetrap (creativity), you still have to produce it and get people to buy it.   The last trait is the only one that stands alone.  If you have beauty, that’s all you need.

When you’re beautiful you don’t have to DO anything else.  Just walk down the street and someone from America’s Next Top Model is sure to happen along with a lucrative contract.  Even more likely, some rich dude will want to add you to their collection and take care of you for life.  Or until your parts start to sag.

Beautiful people are like ornamental pear trees.  My mother in law planted some and they are rather temperamental, at least in the early years.  They have to be watered, just so.  Fertilized, on schedule. Mulched to protect their tender roots.  If you lavish them with infinite care they will eventually bloom.  Their lovely flowers are a treat for the eye.

They don’t produce anything useful, however.  No sweet-smelling flowers and no pears.  That’s right.  The ornamental pear tree doesn’t even make fruit.  It’s purely decorative.

I’m more of an ornamental kale.  This plant is pretty low maintenance. Give it a little water, a little sunshine and it grows.  It’s hardy and it comes back every year.   It can be decorative on occasion.  But when it gets in hot water, when it’s pushed to the boiling point, you can tell by the smell that it’s nothing more than a glorified cabbage.

Being a sturdy cabbage instead of an ornamental pear means the only way I’ll get F&F is if I develop my smarts, creativity and talents with some hard work.  And while fame and fortune will, no doubt, turn out to be worthless when we get to the end of Life’s Highway, I wouldn’t mind having some for the journey.

p.s. *You may have noticed the one, glaring exception to my list of traits necessary for F&F: the phenomenon of people who lack even a faint hint of any of them who, nonetheless, achieve F&F via reality TV.  I’ll let you know if I ever figure that one out.


About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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64 Responses to Why You’ll Never See Ornamental Cabbage On The Cover Of “Us Weekly”

  1. mistyslaws says:

    Yeah, I think you need to add “Reality Show Whore” to the list at the bottom. Because you don’t have to possess ANY quality traits for that.

    I’ve always thought of myself as more of a rutabaga.


  2. On the whole I agree with you. And it makes me feel depressed. Is hard work really no comparison for beauty when coupled with smarts, talent etc.? Maybe. But even if you’re beautiful, you need to be lucky. You needed someone to find those ornamental trees and care enough to water them. Beauty needs to get discovered too. Or maybe you need to be born at a time whne your kind of looks is in fashion/ considered beautiful. If you’re sort of okay looking but super rich, you don’t need to be beautiful either. But yes, it does provide an enormous advantage.


    • pegoleg says:

      That’s true – the definition of beauty changes over time. In fact, I’ve often thought my only problem is I wasn’t born during the Renaissance. Those thigh-hiding, bosom-popping gowns would have been great for me!


  3. Tar-Buns says:

    Ah, fame and fortune. Like hoping that once every couple of weeks lotto ticket I buy will transport me to the “set for life” and “take this job and …” world. Wouldn’t that be something? I guess I’ll have to put more work into those tickets if I really want to win big. Or get very lucky. Or both.

    As I stare at the yard and all that needs to be done before winter really hits us hard, I wish for freedom from work/time constraints. And that’s not likely to happen anytime soon. We won’t even talk about what the house needs. Sigh…

    You’re a beautiful kale, Pegomysista!


    • pegoleg says:

      Thanks, Tar! I don’t know that putting “work” into buying lottery tickets is truly the best way to go about it, but if it works for you…don’t forget your favorite sister!


  4. bigsheepcommunications says:

    Honey Boo Boo defies explanation.


  5. I am a supporter of the kale revolution. Here is a love song, by one of your many fans:


  6. Margie says:

    Gee, you are one of the most famous bloggers I follow, and I’m sure you must have made a fortune from all your Peg-Co products. I’m also sure your family and friends think you are beautiful. You are an inspiration to all the rest of us in the cabbage patch!


  7. Elyse says:

    Well, I can tell you from my vast experience with being incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful, that it takes more than that to get F&F. Unless we’re talking here about different “F” words.


    • pegoleg says:

      Reminds me of that shampoo commercial where the model looks straight at the camera and pouts, “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful”. I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, I hate you because you’re so darn smug about it!
      Not you, Elyse. Never you. On you, beauty looks noble.


  8. k8edid says:

    I have found that people do not take me seriously because of my overwhelming beauty. It is a curse. Seriously.


  9. pattisj says:

    You certainly outrank many of us in the fame department, Miss Freshly Pressed Umpteen Times. 😉 All you lack is the fortune–but then again, you have US. Really, what more could you want?


  10. Sandy Sue says:

    I’ve got it! The trick to reality F&F is to have absolutely *none* of the other qualities! So, dumb it down, girlfriend. Steal someone else’s ideas and go back to bed.


  11. It’s a sad reflection on our society where an ornamental pear tree is so valued. It produces nothing, with the possible exception of jealousy from your neighbors, you know, the ones with the sycamores. Meanwhile, kale produces a wicked source of dietary fiber, a hearty base for my vegan goulash, and flatulance that could stop a presidential debate.

    There’s no justice I tells ya.


  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I want 1pointperspective as my spiritual advisor. He is very wise. We can all be famous in our own way–we just need to find our audiences. I’m often amazed at how much these social networking sites have created famous people out of nothing but a few tweets and posts. It has a lot to do with luck, I think.


    • pegoleg says:

      You’re right – social networking has changed everything.


    • I think you are right about the “audience”. A person can be wildly popular and famous in one field/work arena but totally unknown to another group of people (who don’t have the knowledge or experience to recognize the “winner”)
      I guess we could muse forever on what “famous” means…right now it seems to mean who gets the most media attention – for whatever reason?
      After criteria is established for “famous”, then there’s “fortune” and what are “riches”?
      In any case, the worker ants and cabbages are the ones who keep the world moving along so some can soar. So we could argue who has the most value?
      Good post


  13. Appearance matters, no doubt about it. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the definition changes over time. I would have a better change for being a model in the 1700s in Europe than I would now because they appreciated curves.

    Fame and fortune are everything, either. My son once asked me if we were rich. I told him that, while we had a big house, didn’t worry about being hungry, and had newer model cars, others might think of us as “rich” compared to their situations. But that wasn’t my definition was rich. Yes, we were rich because we laughed every day and we felt love for each other. He accepted that.

    As for fame, at the end of my life, I want people to say they remember me because I made a positive difference in their lives, not because I was featured on some Top list. Plus, my brain would zonk out on me if people were snapping pictures with light blubs flashings all around me! 🙂


  14. Well kale is pretty nice you know? I like kale. I wonder what type of plant I am…I need to think about this.


  15. Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking.
    *in my best Derek Zoolander*


  16. But these pear trees WILL sag after the botox doesn’t work anymore (or works too well and they end up looking like Joan Rivers) See? We don’t need to be ridiculously gorgeous! Just incredibly rich. That is all I want in life. I’m thinking a reality show is the only way to go for me now. Darla Doo-Doo? Real Bitchy Housewives of East Buttcrack, Maine?


  17. Audrey says:

    Your list looks pretty comprehensive! The reality tv is anyone’s guess though… ugh.
    I decided I wasn’t much into the fame part, and the fortune – I just need enough to pay the bills and travel. 🙂


  18. winsomebella says:

    I’m with you. Enough of the high maintenance floozies…….we cabbages shall unite 🙂


  19. Al says:

    Well, you know what they say, beauty is only skin deep. But then who needs an attractive pancreas?


  20. I would add a sixth path: related to famous, wealthy person.
    As proof, I submit Tori Spelling.


  21. Well, you can be dumb and sorta half not cute but make sex tapes and feign ignorance. That seems to do the trick.


    • pegoleg says:

      What’s the pay scale for that kind of work? Just askin’.


      • Pretty dang good, I think KK made millions just on her split second wedding to a second string basketball player and Paris made millions on her really bad reality show. There were both paid tens of thousands just to show up at parties and clubs on top of getting top shelf drinks all night long. Pretty dang good.


  22. Just Some Guy says:

    Bonjour Madame O-Leg.

    One of the many things my wife and I share is a singular ineptitude regarding the French language. In fact, a laughable maladroitness with Introductory College French was among our earliest bonding experiences.

    Having said that, I seem to remember “my little cabbage” can constitute a term of endearment to a Francophone.

    Envision this: to toasty up long, cold brumal evenings, perhaps Hubby-O-Leg could go all Pepé Le Pew with something along the lines of “Je t’adore, mon petit chou.”

    Admittedly, I couldn’t utter that line without sending my wife and myself into paroxysms of laughter. However, I suppose there’s a reason it’s called the Language of Love.

    Bonne chance et meilleurs voeux!


    • pegoleg says:

      I DO remember that term of endearment from high school French: mon petit chou-chou, as I recall.

      Unfortunately, Hubby-o-Leg took German. When he talks cabbage it’s more likely to be a dinner suggestion involving spaetzle and pork then a romantic gesture.


  23. Go Jules Go says:


    P.S. – I think you are as lovely and talented as an ornamental pear tree, and not as high-maintenance. So there.


  24. Angie Z. says:

    I love being a wee bitty brussel sprout, albeit smelly and bitter. Ornamental pear tree I am not. That explains my junior high years.


  25. Deepa says:

    The people who are enamoured by the pear tree, you are better off without them anyway! There is a place for the cabbage, and it will get it’s due respect in time – I am eternally optimistic 🙂


  26. I think I’m doing okay. I still have most of my parts. The hotness thing is a lie, but I’ve gotten people to buy into it. So I’m going with if for a while.

    You know, until I’m that pathetic old woman in the totally wrong dress in the slutty shoes. 😉


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