I wish I were gorgeous.
If you’re beautiful, that’s all you need to achieve fame and fortune (F&F) in life.
I’ve done a lot of scientific research on this topic. That research consists of watching TV, reading tabloids in the checkout line at the grocery store, and thinking about the subject when I should have been doing something else.
My research reveals that there are a limited number of paths to F&F. Here are the qualities you need to get there*:
- Hard Work
The trouble with most of these qualities is they have to be paired with Hard Work. You can be a better natural ball player than Michael Jordan (talent) but it means nothing without hours of practice. If you come up with a better mousetrap (creativity), you still have to produce it and get people to buy it. The last trait is the only one that stands alone. If you have beauty, that’s all you need.
When you’re beautiful you don’t have to DO anything else. Just walk down the street and someone from America’s Next Top Model is sure to happen along with a lucrative contract. Even more likely, some rich dude will want to add you to their collection and take care of you for life. Or until your parts start to sag.
Beautiful people are like ornamental pear trees. My mother in law planted some and they are rather temperamental, at least in the early years. They have to be watered, just so. Fertilized, on schedule. Mulched to protect their tender roots. If you lavish them with infinite care they will eventually bloom. Their lovely flowers are a treat for the eye.
They don’t produce anything useful, however. No sweet-smelling flowers and no pears. That’s right. The ornamental pear tree doesn’t even make fruit. It’s purely decorative.
I’m more of an ornamental kale. This plant is pretty low maintenance. Give it a little water, a little sunshine and it grows. It’s hardy and it comes back every year. It can be decorative on occasion. But when it gets in hot water, when it’s pushed to the boiling point, you can tell by the smell that it’s nothing more than a glorified cabbage.
Being a sturdy cabbage instead of an ornamental pear means the only way I’ll get F&F is if I develop my smarts, creativity and talents with some hard work. And while fame and fortune will, no doubt, turn out to be worthless when we get to the end of Life’s Highway, I wouldn’t mind having some for the journey.
p.s. *You may have noticed the one, glaring exception to my list of traits necessary for F&F: the phenomenon of people who lack even a faint hint of any of them who, nonetheless, achieve F&F via reality TV. I’ll let you know if I ever figure that one out.