Do You Have to Be That Monopoly Guy In The Silk Top Hat To Get Elected In America?

government of the people…by the people…in front of the people

There’s nothing wrong with rolling in the dough; heck, I’d LOVE to be able to do that.   But you shouldn’t have to be rich to get elected to public office.   That’s what it’s coming to in America.

One of the biggest expenses for any candidate are the countless personal appearances they have to make.  Expenses have skyrocketed since President Obama perfected the practice of having a diverse, human backdrop on the platform every, single time.

To see how big this problem has become, I secretly recorded the following conversations. Let’s listen to members of an unnamed candidate’s election team before recent political rallies:

Campaign Manager:  “Where are the kids?  I told you we needed 2.7 children.  How can the candidate look like a family man if there are no kids on the dais behind him?”

Political Intern:  “But…this speech is at a nuclear waste-handling plant!”

                                                And…

Campaign Manager:  “OK, diversity looks pretty good up there on stage…pretty good…wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute.  There are no Aleutian Islanders! We need 1.3 Aleutian Islanders to have a representational cross-section of the country.  Do you want the candidate to look like he doesn’t care about ALL the people?”

Political Intern:  “But…it would have cost over $5,000 to fly our Aleutian Islander in for the day, and he wanted overtime.  Besides, this rally is in Des Moines, Iowa.”

How can an average Joe get ahead without a huge war chest?  How can anyone hope to compete against an incumbent who has the full faith and taxing authority of the United States Treasury at his beck and call?

Peg-Co Political Products can help.  Introducing…

Political Diversity Wallpaper!

With Political Diversity Wallpaper from Peg-Co, setup is a snap.   No more having to round-up the appropriately diverse cross-section of adoring listeners.    All the candidate’s advance team has to do is have a wooden backdrop built and papered before each speech. (Using union labor, of course.)

We’ve got papers for just about every situation and message the candidate wants to present:

Whether you’re running for local dog–catcher, or president of the United States, with Peg-Co Political Diversity Wallpaper, your message will come through loud and clear:

                                               I’ll do anything to win!

 

*Peg-Co Political Products is a division of Peg-o-Leg Industries who is solely responsible for the content of this advertisement.  Patents pending, all rights reserved.

No offense is intended to members of any minority, diversity, special-interest or hate-speech–legislation-protected group, especially Aleutian Islanders.  As far as meaning offense to particular political parties or politicians, well…

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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60 Responses to Do You Have to Be That Monopoly Guy In The Silk Top Hat To Get Elected In America?

  1. bigsheepcommunications says:

    I vote for the puppies.

    Like

  2. maryisidra says:

    When i grow up and become rich I will order all of the above!!!

    Like

  3. I’m from New Jersey and as such I need to know if you have wallpapers which will accomodate, shall we say, a more full figured candidate?

    Like

  4. I think you’ve covered most all of the political candidate backdrops! What a great service to the American people who would like to run for office but have no moolah.
    Will Peg-Co also provide hair and makeup people, too?
    Love the puppies!
    Have a fabulous Labor-less Weekend 🙂

    Like

  5. Ha! I love this. Very snarky and very funny. This one made me chuckle. “Books wallpaper: candidate is learned and likes to read, without specifically mentioning any particular books” — Maybe Peg-Co could produce the “Newspaper wallpaper” too: “for candidates who love to read all of the papers but may need a little help remembering the titles”. 😉

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Snarky? Moi? I have no idea what you could possibly mean. Newspaper wallpaper would be great, except it might send a “too poor to afford real wallpaper like in the 1930s” vibe.

      Like

  6. Elyse says:

    I am pretty sure that Mitt should avoid the wallpaper with the puppies.

    Like

  7. notquiteold says:

    Could we have wallpaper of actual work being done? …no, I didn’t think so.

    Like

  8. Margie says:

    Another great idea from Peg-Co. When are you going to get Vince to start making your commercials on TV? (Think of what he did for the Slap Chop and the Schticky!)

    Like

  9. madtante says:

    The greatest gift I gave myself 4 years ago was once again (had done it before) giving up television. Apart from a few flipping-it-ons (like I tried the other day to find the paralympics and found nothing in under a minute, so turned it off) over these years, my world is calmer. In spite of it actually being a shit-storm, I can’t think how I’d manage if I had to face that mishegoss, too. Makes for a duller blog (less ranting on my part and oh, how I ranted throughout the 90s and up til 2008!) but it works for me. I still like watching other people rant, so long as it’s parody. I approve your statements.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I admire your discipline. I know I waste WAY too much time in front of the boob-tube. I say it relaxes me, but you might doubt that if you ever caught sight of me standing in my living room screaming at the idiots on the box.

      Like

      • madtante says:

        It was hard for less than a month. My schedule is very “not at home,” so it may’ve made it easier. Truth is, I have about 20″ to do with as I please a day (at home) and that’s not long enough to a) watch much b) get pissed off! 🙂

        Like

  10. PoL, I suspect you and Peg-o-Leg Industries could cure the financial and unemployment evils of our world single handedly. I LOVE your ideas!! Quite frankly, any candidate who can get the golden retriever vote has mine…

    Like

  11. Al says:

    This Peg Co. is getting to be quite the corporate enterprise! Where do I find the stock listing? NYSE? Nasdaq? What’s the symbol, POL? I’ve got 50 cents burning a hole in my pocket, so put me down for 10 shares.

    Like

  12. Omigosh! Hilarious! Is there a way to appeal to the Jews?

    Like

  13. Another brilliant idea by Peg-Co.

    but what–no Mainer backdrops? People dressed head to toe in fisherman gear holding up lobsters? I am sick of not being represented! Jeezum crow!

    Like

  14. Laura says:

    Puppy wallpaper but no kitty wallpaper? This is what passes for diversity at Peg-Co? Sorry, you’ve just lost my vote.

    Like

  15. Running from Hell with El says:

    Wow, was this a fun one to read after being silly enough to write about politics–OMG–just shoot me, you know?!! I was grinning at your backdrops. Thanks for the smiles Peg!

    Like

  16. pattisj says:

    Peg-O-Leg, you are always on the cutting edge of inventions! I don’t know how you do it. Have you been wire-tapping again?

    Like

  17. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Excellent! Just add one more – the backdrop being piles of thousand dollar bills.

    Like

  18. You’ve got my vote! Love the wallpaper 🙂

    Like

  19. I just know that one day I’m going to be walking past one of those “As Seen On TV” stores and one or more of your products will be in the window. I already feel a sense of pride swelling.

    Like

  20. mistyslaws says:

    Have you worked on portable versions of these, yet? I would like the one of the books to be perpetually behind me in any job interview I have in the future, to make me seem eternally smart, but without having to mention any particular book I have recently read. Maybe some way to have it mounted on my shoulders and around my waist? I’m thinking I might have a job wrapped up in no time this way!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Hmmm, that might be kind of bulky for a job interview. Hows about as you sit down you “accidentally” drop your purse and the contents spill out for the interviewer to see: Mensa member card, Humane Society card, library cards from all the surrounding communities…

      Like

  21. Angie Z. says:

    Oh my good lord this was funnier than a wallpaper background of puppies. Brilliant work, Peg. And I now have put a limit on the number of times I can say brilliant in a month on WordPress. Congrats, you’ve filled my quota.

    Like

  22. hollybernabe says:

    LOVE IT!! And your observations with each wallpaper..omg! Funnier than…God, I don’t know WHAT that’s funnier than, because I’m laughing too hard to concentrate.

    Like

  23. Oh, *beep*!
    I TOTALLY wore the same color shirt as the ‘green-screen’!
    And the ‘floating head look’ doesn’t seem to poll quite as well as you might expect!

    Like

  24. Go Jules Go says:

    May I please request a custom puppies in front of the wallpaper wallpaper? I’ll pay anything. They’re giving me a huge budget for this thing. I actually need to fly some Iowans to the Aleutian Islands.

    Like

  25. All that wall paper and I have a feeling that even these guys will be running out of walls soon enough. Great job, though. You and your entrepreneurial spirit is what made this land once a great place to call America!

    Like

  26. Dana says:

    Hahaha! Maybe you should have one of those snarky “cat bums” wallpapers, too. Even if cats don’t care about the candidates, it won’t work against them, because really– everyone knows that cats don’t care about *anyone*.

    Like

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