There have been disturbing accounts in the news recently of people flipping out on a potent street drug. The most horrific of these stories was about a man who tried to eat another person while high. The drug of choice for these discriminating users? Bath salts.
This is most dangerous stuff to hit the bathtub since Glenn Close.
Before you start dumping all the bubble bath your kids gave you, be assured it is probably safe. The term bath salts refers to a relatively new street drug which is a concoction of dangerous chemicals. Because the individual chemicals aren’t illegal, pushers, er, I mean manufacturers, are able to sell this stuff in fine smoke and paraphernalia shops simply by calling the powder “bath salts” and labeling it “not for human consumption.”
For some time now, marketing gurus have realized they could hoodwink the buying public (known to ad-men as “those fools”) by giving something negative a new name. Witness the rise of Pre-owned Vehicle Emporiums where Used Car Lots once stood.
The practice has become so widespread, especially in the sales, marketing and political fields, that it has given rise to a whole, new language; Euphemish. This author just so happens to be the world’s foremost authority on Euphemish (and has the body of research to prove it.) Therefore, it is only fitting that I be the first to report the depths to which Euphemish has sunk.
Seeing the success that street drug makers have had simply by giving an unbelievably dangerous, psychotic drug an innocent-sounding name, manufacturers of other questionable substances are quickly following suit. They’re jumping on the Euphemish bandwagon in droves in the hopes they can increase sales while avoiding bad press or even outright bans on their products.
It won’t be long before we’ll see advertisements touting the following whitewashed wares:
- Daffodils (formerly called cigarettes)
- Baby formula (formerly called 190-proof Everclear)
- Rainbows & unicorns (formerly called heroin)
- Pixie dust (formerly called coke)
- Morning dew (formerly called Coke)
- Lima beans (formerly called Little Debbie Snack Cakes)
As with bath salts, manufacturers hope their wordy sleight-of-hand will distract the buying public from the one little drawback their products share: a tendency to make the habitual user dead.
Oops, I mean permanently horizontal.