Dem Bones, Dem Bones

Sittin' pretty.

You know those skeletons you see at Halloween?  It turns out they’re not just seasonal decorations.  Those are actual representations of what goes on in the human body. 

As someone who has recently lost over 60 pounds (yeah, we know, WE KNOW!  SHUT UP about it already!), I’m finding not only is there a brave new world out there, there’s a whole new world right in here.  

I did not know about these things called bones.

Getting dressed this morning I discovered there’s a horizontal line that runs right through the décolletage, which provides a handy place upon which to rest a necklace.  This is called the Necklace Bone.  (Note to hubby:  need some more shiny stuff to decorate this new spot.)

Moving down, just a little south of the boobies, are these jutty things.  When you lie down, they jut out. (Some may have to lift and shift saggy parts to access these.  Just sayin’.)  South of the bellybutton are 2 more of these.  Together they form the bread-basket firmament called, naturally, the Jutty Bones.

Then there are the Bracelet Bones

As any woman size 16 or bigger can attest, clothing designers are unable to cover the wrist of the Faticia McFatty customer.  All blouses and button-front shirts for this size range have ¾ sleeves.  There is no possible way any manufacturer could even hazard a guess as to how much material it would take to encircle the behemoth hand-attaching parts of the plus size woman, let along close that gap with a button.   They don’t even try anymore. 

Come to find out that women in the lower size ranges have a huge assortment of long-sleeved garb at their command.  From satins to cottons, silks to suede – some with delicate mother-of-pearl buttons, others knit tight.  There are entire stores out in the world, full of shirts that cover the arm all the way down to the hand. 

Who knew? 

This is just another example of size-ist discrimination. 

Finally we come to my personal new favorite bone.  I’ll try to be delicate when I describe this one.  It comes at the end of a bunch of little knobblies that run down the back.  Those empty out into a bone that sits right on top of the Junk In The Trunk.  (If one still HAD any junk in the trunk; if their trunk hadn’t been cleaned out emptier than when you’re about to trade the car in.)   This is the, I Now Need A Cushion To Sit Down, Like A Long-Haul Truck Driver With Hemorrhoids Bone.

There you have it, a brief introduction to Gross Anatomy 101.  Next time you see a skeleton I hope you’ll have a new appreciation for all the wonderful bones that allow us to sit, stand and remain upright, and not end up curled up on a dog bed in the corner of the living room, like Lisa Loopner’s late father (God rest his soul).

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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31 Responses to Dem Bones, Dem Bones

  1. Wait a sec–I have bones? Where? I can’t seem to find any. Guess there’s way too much junk in the trunk.

    I am so glad you pointed this out. I am going to take my intro to Anatomy/Physiology 101 class this year and now I am fully prepared.

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  2. Congrats on the discovery of your skeleton. I, on the other hand, am distressed to find that I now have butt bones. Who knew?

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    • pegoleg says:

      Boney butts are not a good look for most of us. I tried on a pair of “curvy” jeans the other day and there was so much extra denim in the back, it looked like I was carrying around a deflated beach ball at the end of a long day at the ocean. PA-thetic.

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  3. Elyse says:

    Now that you found the butt bones, be especially careful not to burn them.

    And I think the skeleton at the top looks like Angie in her picture in http://childhoodrelived.com/2012/02/06/drawing-for-dummies/.

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  4. Tar-Buns says:

    Wow, Peg. Bummer about the sore tailbone.
    I guess that’s the price you pay for being slim and sexy.
    New format to your page – I like it. That’s quite the spooky photo you doctored so eerily.
    Thanks for the anatomy lesson 🙂

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    • pegoleg says:

      Feel free to use this lesson in your classes, Tar. I know you always strive to be on the cutting edge of teaching excellence.

      Thanks for noticing the change, but I’m not happy. I’m so frustrated. This post wasn’t supposed to be published until Tuesday morning, but I accidentally posted it while trying to figure out how to stick the info about the writing challenge on the front page. Then, I was like the Wizard of Oz in his hot air balloon “I can’t come back – I don’t know how to work this thing!”

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      • Tar-Buns says:

        Poor Pegoleg…the technology changes never end, do they? I did wonder how you were going to inform new readers about the Writing Challenge. Good luck with that! I’m looking forward to reading the entries! 🙂

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        • pegoleg says:

          I’ve got 10 entries so far, and they’re all different. I’m also looking forward to somehow, magically figuring out how to get these all posted so people can read them!

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  5. LOVE the illustration! What a bummer to work so hard to uncover that skeleton only to have one of those bones turn on you. I like the cushion though… it looks like you’re sitting on an inner tube practicing for summer. Glad the rest of dem bones are behavin’ themselves!!

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  6. Sandy Sue says:

    I can’t wait to take my own archeological survey! Alas, I have McFatty miles to go, but oh, the promise of boniness to come!

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  7. Sandy Sue says:

    Wait. Boneyness? Bone-i-ness. Where’s my dictionary?

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  8. Dana says:

    The 3/4 length sleeve max for sizes 16+ is news to me. Do pants also come in capri length only? After all, the amount of fabric needed to cover the “Sock-Stay-Up Bones” (formerly known as the “Slouch Sock Holder Bones”, circa the 1980s) is one of the world’s great mysteries.

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  9. pattisj says:

    Where do you shop? I haven’t found long sleeves in YEARS!

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  10. bigsheepcommunications says:

    I know all about those butt bones from my very skinny husband and very skinny daughter, but so far I’ve kept mine well padded. You’re not getting too thin, are you (and yes, there is such a thing as too thin)?

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    • pegoleg says:

      No worries, Lisa. I know there is such a thing as too thin, but that’s not a place I have ever even visited, let alone lived. I just had a disproportionate fat exodus from the gluteus, which is now not maximus. (More scientific jargon right there – this blog is so educational!)

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  11. I hate the necklace bones. When people touch my shoulders/neck, I always freak out. Ewww….

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  12. I had no idea Faticia McFatty was an actual name common in the clothing industry. I guess my wife was right to veto that name for a daughter.

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  13. Lenore Diane says:

    No bones about it … this was a great post! (Wow. That was bad, eh? Sorry.)

    Like

  14. Al says:

    Obviously you didn’t pay attention to the song about Bony Maroni or you would have been prepared for all the tribulations that go along with being like a stick of macaroni.

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  15. The knee bone’s connected to the…
    jutty bones…
    no… wait. That doesn’t sound quite right…
    (as you can see, I’m hoping there won’t be a quiz)
    🙂

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  16. Thanks for the lecture on “dem bones” and the SNL flashback! Just makes me want to stand up straight and tall and be proud of what I was born with!

    Like

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