You know those skeletons you see at Halloween? It turns out they’re not just seasonal decorations. Those are actual representations of what goes on in the human body.
As someone who has recently lost over 60 pounds (yeah, we know, WE KNOW! SHUT UP about it already!), I’m finding not only is there a brave new world out there, there’s a whole new world right in here.
I did not know about these things called bones.
Getting dressed this morning I discovered there’s a horizontal line that runs right through the décolletage, which provides a handy place upon which to rest a necklace. This is called the Necklace Bone. (Note to hubby: need some more shiny stuff to decorate this new spot.)
Moving down, just a little south of the boobies, are these jutty things. When you lie down, they jut out. (Some may have to lift and shift saggy parts to access these. Just sayin’.) South of the bellybutton are 2 more of these. Together they form the bread-basket firmament called, naturally, the Jutty Bones.
Then there are the Bracelet Bones.
As any woman size 16 or bigger can attest, clothing designers are unable to cover the wrist of the Faticia McFatty customer. All blouses and button-front shirts for this size range have ¾ sleeves. There is no possible way any manufacturer could even hazard a guess as to how much material it would take to encircle the behemoth hand-attaching parts of the plus size woman, let along close that gap with a button. They don’t even try anymore.
Come to find out that women in the lower size ranges have a huge assortment of long-sleeved garb at their command. From satins to cottons, silks to suede – some with delicate mother-of-pearl buttons, others knit tight. There are entire stores out in the world, full of shirts that cover the arm all the way down to the hand.
This is just another example of size-ist discrimination.
Finally we come to my personal new favorite bone. I’ll try to be delicate when I describe this one. It comes at the end of a bunch of little knobblies that run down the back. Those empty out into a bone that sits right on top of the Junk In The Trunk. (If one still HAD any junk in the trunk; if their trunk hadn’t been cleaned out emptier than when you’re about to trade the car in.) This is the, I Now Need A Cushion To Sit Down, Like A Long-Haul Truck Driver With Hemorrhoids Bone.
There you have it, a brief introduction to Gross Anatomy 101. Next time you see a skeleton I hope you’ll have a new appreciation for all the wonderful bones that allow us to sit, stand and remain upright, and not end up curled up on a dog bed in the corner of the living room, like Lisa Loopner’s late father (God rest his soul).