My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining the U.S. Economy

Support your local eggnog farmer!

My sister-in-law, Lisa, just announced she is starting a diet.  With 3 weeks to go until Christmas. 

This is wrong on so many levels.  Besides the masochistic overtones, we have to consider how such a move might affect the nation’s economic recovery.

Lisa just wants to look hot for New Years Eve.   But she may be starting a dangerous trend.  Perhaps I can help her to see the bigger picture – what economists call the unintended consequences.

Seasonal industries have just a small window of opportunity to make sales.  (i.e. yellow marshmallow chickees that can only be sold for 1 week before Easter.)  In December, fattening Christmas food companies are scrambling to make their budget goals.

Take eggnog.   Its rich, creamy goodness is almost synonymous with Christmas.  But where does it come from?  Family farms in the heartland keep herds of  special, eggnog-producing cows just for the Christmas season.  No eggnog, no eggnog farms.

All the farms will be sold for shopping malls, the farm children will have to leave the land for New York to become actor/model/waiters and the cows will be processed into McBurgers.  Do you want to be responsible for the end of the family farm in America, Lisa?

And what about that company that makes those chocolate-covered cherries that you can get for $1 at Big Lots and other fine emporiums?  They do all their sales this month.  Does it occur to you, Lisa, that the firm that makes those has employees?  If health-conscious, get-in-shape people don’t buy those candies, all the chocolate-covered cherry employees and their families, some of whom might have lame children who use crutches, will be out on the streets. Just in time for Christmas, you Scrooge!

These are just a few of the businesses that would be affected. There are anise-flavored cookies, monastery-made bourbon fudge and whisky fruitcake, and candy canes.   I’m sure we could come up with lots of examples.

Sure, tofu sales will go up. But that won’t increase jobs.  There is such a huge surplus of tofu just sitting around on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator case in the grocery store produce section (often right under the Bleu Cheese crumbles, ironically), we could go years without making any more.

And what about after Christmas?  In the natural order of things, you sign up for diet and exercise programs in January.  If nobody is overindulging in December, no one will be repentant and resolved to change in January.

80% of the YMCA’s income is derived from initial membership fees garnered in January.  They can’t rely on the monthly fees, because those dry up in March.  That’s when the new members cancel, although they actually stop working out after only 2 weeks.  (The Y does get residual income from all the new members who forget they signed up to have the dues automatically deducted from their bank account.  They can end up paying for years after their actual 2-week attendance is over.)

Eat, papa, eat!

Do you want to be responsible for closing the doors on a fine, old institution like the Young Men’s Christian Association?  And then what?  Our nation’s young men will be out on the streets, joining gangs, becoming hooligans, and not being Christian.

Nutrisystems will go back to using their food as industrial lubricants, Jenny Craig will have to get a job as a brownie taster and South Beach will be deserted. Dr. Atkins will turn over in his grave!

(“America the Beautiful” starts softly in the background).

We are trying to climb out of a terrible recession right now, Lisa.  Our president, and our congressmen and women, are working hard to get this economy back on track

(for amber waves of grain…)

It is the duty of every American to help in this struggle.  If you think your hot-ness is more important than your country, Lisa, keep up the pre-Christmas diet.  Help put thousands, nay millions of our fellow Americans out of work.

But as for me and mine, we love the U.S. of A., and we will support her!

(music builds to a crescendo, “from sea to shining sea!”, I get up and walk out like that scene in Animal House where Dean Wormer revokes the Delta’s charter because they have been on double-secret probation ).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some peppermint stick ice cream!

This post, my first ever to be Freshly Pressed, was lifted from the vaults for your holiday enjoyment.  You’ll be happy to note that Lisa has seen the light this year, and is doing everything she can to support the eggnog farmer.  Hope all of you are doing your share.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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44 Responses to My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining the U.S. Economy

  1. egills says:

    Fantastic!

    ** standing ovation **

    I’ll help support the farmers… (not sure we get eggnog over here though)

    Like

  2. k8edid says:

    I’m doing my part….chomp, chomp

    Like

  3. Lenore Diane says:

    Thank you, thank you and thank you. I read the entire thing thinking, “I’ve read this before. Haven’t I read this before? I’m confused – did I read this before?” Sha’woo. I was right. I’m not going crazy. Well, I’m already crazy – so, there’s that.

    This post is great a second time around!

    Like

  4. misswhiplash says:

    Unlike some of the posts chosen for FP’d yours was well deserved.. and a pleasure to read and it made me laugh.

    I do hope that Lisa completed her course and that she is now eating healthily

    Like

  5. I too enjoyed the reprise of this post, Peggy!

    I’ve sworn off potato chips for the forseeable future, but I’m still indulging in chocolates, cookies, nuts, ice cream, and pie…I’m trying to do my part!

    Wendy

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      JUST potato chips? Why? Are they your downfall?

      Everyone else is gone from my office right now with lunch hour, leaving early and what-all, leaving me alone with the remains of the cookie trays we put together and delivered to clients this week. I just had a big chicken pecan salad AND a bowl of chili for lunch. I’m not at all hungry, but…resistance- lowered. Cookies – calling. Me – answering.

      Save me!!!!!!

      Like

  6. Loved it (especially the tofu part). If I must drink eggnog to fuel the engines of commerce, so be it.

    Like

  7. Well done, Pegolicious!
    I am also doing my part by inhaling this chocolate peanut butter ball my sister-in-law just dropped off (along with a few Hershey kisses for good measure…) Off to buy some eggnog…

    Like

  8. notquiteold says:

    Great post! I’m glad you re-ran it, so us newbies could enjoy it. But don’t worry about the fruitcake industry: it doesn’t exist. There are only 17 fruitcakes in the world, and they just get passed on to the next sucker (…I mean… giftee) the following year.

    Like

  9. Big Al says:

    You, Pegoleg, are a great American! As you recall from my recent blog, I’m all in on the eggnog. In fact, tell Lisa not to worry about that at all, I’ve pretty much got that part of the economy covered on my own.

    (And wasn’t it double SUPER secret probation?)

    Like

  10. pattisj says:

    I’m glad this is a re-blog, I was pretty concerned about the economy there for a second. Glad to see everyone is doing their fair share. I could even hear “America the Beautiful” playing. How did you DO that?

    Like

  11. gojulesgo says:

    So glad you reposted this shiny one! Hilarious. I snorted on my coffee at, “Nutrisystems will go back to using their food as industrial lubricants.” I’m sad to say I can totally vouch for the lubricant possibilities of their “food.”

    Like

  12. I have nothing but respect for the eggnog farmer (tee-hee!), but I still can’t bring myself to support the noxious beverage that is eggnog!

    Like

  13. ♫”America, America, God shed his grace…fp’d”♪ Belated Congratulations and so deserving. Great points! Thank you for reposting.

    Like

  14. Sandy Sue says:

    Now that you’ve gone through The Biggest Loser: Family Edition…eh…care to revise your statement, ma’am?
    (I passed on eating my mom’s birthday cake today. I ROCK!)

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      You DO rock. I’ve got to get back on that train.

      I went to a party on Saturday and ate all the rich fattening foods I have been avoiding for 6 months. 4 different cheeses, cookies, shrimp, wine, stuffed mushrooms..you name it, I ate it. They were so, so yummy! Woke up at 2am so, so sick. I’ll spare you the technicolor details, but suffice it to say my body was letting me know “We ain’t used to that sort of thing anymore.”

      Like

  15. Be careful with blind allegiance to farmers. Agricultural subsidies are the new needle exchange.

    Like

  16. I can see why this post was Freshly Pressed because it is amazing. And I concur 100%. I am doing my darndest to ensure the Christmas economy improves this year! I’m sure I will be working equally as hard in January to ensure that SlimFast stays in business as well. (at least until January 15th or so anyway)

    Like

  17. Congratulations on the ‘pressing’! That is awesome (and well deserved).
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Nog to mainline…
    🙂

    Like

  18. Thanks for reposting this. It deserved the FP seal of approval then and now! Love the concept and the way you think/write. 🙂

    Like

  19. The Hook says:

    So she’s to blame, is she? I’ve never trusted her…

    Like

  20. Pingback: Thursday Thoughts | Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

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