Almost 15 million Americans are out of work. The best way to handle this is to fire some more.
Pundits say that unemployment statistics are made up of two parts: those looking for work, and those who have given up looking. But there is another factor; a third wheel, if you will, that must be put on the tricycle of employment to get it rolling down the driveway of prosperity again.
We need to identify those who SHOULD be out of work. Those who should be de-employed.
Don’t play coy. You know what I mean. You can walk into almost any business establishment anywhere in the world and find someone who should be de-employed. I bet you can think of 5 recent examples off the top of your head.
We can identify candidates for de-employment using the UnEquation as a litmus test:
Unspeedy = Unemployed
My initial research indicates several broad job classifications that are rife with potential de-employees:
- Health aides, trusted to provide personal care for the old, ill and infirm, who obviously despise the old, ill and infirm. 1.1 million
- Food service workers with no teeth and/or rotten teeth. I’m sorry for those without the means for dental care, but jeez, Louise. Pick another industry. .2 million
- Sales and service people who take care of their personal business (coffee break, phone call from kid, flirting, texting) while paying customers languish. 4.2 million
- Guys getting double time, health, dental, and a full pension to hold the sign that says “SLOW” at road construction sites. De-employing these workers won’t actually help unemployment, because I’d replace them with a sign on a stick, but they should still be de-employed on principle. .3 million
- Customer service personnel who hide behind automatic voice systems, going about their workday without interruption, while the customer wanders, dazed and confused, through an endless phone loop, feebly pressing “0” in a useless attempt to talk to a real human being. 2.7 million
- Anyone working in fast food who is not fast. 4.9 million
- Workers who complain about their jobs, boss, other co-workers right in front of you, the customer. 3.2 million.
- Postal employee who spent 10 minutes explaining to each customer in the long line how it was not HER job to take the heavy parcels to the main post office in her car, and if she ends up having to do it today, like yesterday, then the mail will NOT go out until tomorrow, and damned if that is HER fault, and she told the union steward… 1
We’ll develop a smart-phone app that will allow people to quickly and easily send a brief report, photo and GPS coordinates of the slacker to a central processing center for de-employment review.
Once all these people are de-employed, their jobs are freed up for the unemployed who WANT to work. Employers will have their pick of people who appreciate the dignity of work and are prepared to give any job, no matter how humble, their best effort.
And what about those who have been de-employed due to their poor performance? Some sort of work will be required from those who are able. We don’t want anyone to starve, of course, so we’ll have a safety net of benefits. The benefits must be less than those earned by the people who are working, or there is no incentive to get a job, let alone to do it well.
I’ll leave the details to our elected officials. I can’t do everything.
Someday soon, when the 20-year-old barista at your coffee shop gives you a load of attitude because you didn’t use their annoying sizing terminology, you’ll just whip out your phone and start her de-employment process.
You’ll smile as you walk out with your small, regular coffee, knowing a cheerful, helpful employee will be there in her place tomorrow.