Wait until you feel my justice upside your head.
I went home sick after lunch yesterday. Don’t ask. Suffice it to say, I do NOT recommend the Squid and Limburger Footlong special at Subway.
As I lay listlessly on the couch, fortified with crackers, stale 7-Up and the remote, I checked out the strange world of daytime TV. For those not home during the day, here’s a peek at what’s on.
Daytime television is loaded with reality courtroom shows I watched Divorce Court, Judge Alex, Nancy Grace, Judge Karen and, the queen of them all, Judge Judy. That is one angry lady. I think the bailiff is really there to protect the litigants in case her barely contained scorn and rage finally breaks free and she tries to bash their skulls in.
I was interested in the businesses that advertise on these shows. After all, their target market is people who are lying on their sofas in the middle of the day (possibly excluding those of us swigging Pepto-Bismol). What are they trying to sell us?
Based on my hours of research, it looks like the advertisers all identified the same basic need of their target market: to get some money.
Here’s how they suggest we meet that need:
- Pawn something. I had no idea there were that many pawn shops within a 100 mile radius. It’s comforting to know they stand ready with a handful of cash (literally; every one showed the proprietor with a handful of fanned-out $$) to swap for old jewelry, valuable coins, or MY TEETH. I’m not kidding – they showed a picture. I KNEW those grills were a sound investment.
- Get a loan. These are not small-business start-up loans, or mortgages. These places will give you a couple of hundred dollars against your car. Or you can borrow against next week’s paycheck. They charge 183% interest and Cousin Vinnie will call on you in the event of default. This is too depressing to joke about.
- Learn a new skill. Lots of places with the word “Institute” in the title are ready, willing and able to teach you to weld, file insurance claims, or give people massages. I know from personal experience that filing insurance claims is neither as lucrative nor as glamorous as the gushing young woman in the ad made it out to be, but that’s OK. I’m all for good, honest employment.
- Sue somebody. The vast majority of the ads suggest this as the ideal path to financial success. The caring law firms that advertise on TV explain that just about everyone you ever met owes you. Menacing “Jaws” theme music plays in the background. They say you deserve whatever you can get. The caring attorneys are ready to help you make the bad guys pay until it hurts. They want nothing more than the satisfaction of helping others. That and 1/3 of your take. Just call 1-800-BADDRUG, or 1-800-HATEMOM, or 1-800-TRIPPEDONMYOWNDAMNTWOFEET. That last is an international number.
Although I have a job, it’s always a good idea to have a backup plan. If I need money, I’ll just pawn my gold fillings. Then I’ll accuse the pawnbroker of cheating me, and get on the Judge Judy show. My whiny, irresponsible, everybody-owes-me-and-it’s-not-my-fault attitude will cause her to finally snap. When she throws the scales of justice at my head, I’ll call 1-800-BADJUDGE and my caring attorney and I will sue Judge Judy for every penny she has.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
I love Judge Judy’s raging form of honesty (perhaps done for entertainment purposes, but who cares), telling idiotic people that they are, in fact, idiots. What kind of great job would that be?
Hope you’re feeling better : )
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No, I think that’s honest rage. Makes me wonder if maybe she’s been doing this a bit too long, though.
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Hilarious. And a good testimonial for tort reform.
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Amen, brother!
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Wow – one day at home with daytime TV and you’ve got a get rich scheme. Maybe I’ll play hooky next week.
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Um, that was gut wrenching illness, not hooky.
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oh yes I know – but I don’t want that part – I just want to stay home and watch daytime TV and come up with my own get rich scheme. Hope you’re feeling better!
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Well, it was only medium gut-wrenching as it turned out. After an hour’s nap, I felt lots better, but I was already ensconced on the couch in my jammies, so there I stayed. I saw just the career opportunity for you, however. Have you considered getting certified in the fast-paced, exciting world of dental office transcription?
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I get that Judge Judy likes to be on TV. The pay is great and the work is easy. I don’t get the people who decided they want to be on her show. Folks, we’re laughing at you, not with you.
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Chris, Chris, you naive boy. The first lesson learned from reality TV is that “people” will check their integrity and dignity at the door, if fame and fortune (defined as $1000 and above) are involved.
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A. one of my coworkers also got sick off the squid and limberger sandwich at Subway. She was green for three days. I pity you. Hope you feel better.
2. Those judge shows take my faith in humanity and bury it in a hole very, very deep in the ground. And what a spot-on description of the ads that run during those time slots. Didn’t it make you scared to be home during the day? I’ll take strange noises at 2am over the fear of daytime television fans any day.
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Condolences to your co-worker. We just can’t resist the bargain! I’m back with the living now, thanks.
As to the daytime TV fans; don’t worry, you’re perfectly safe. They rarely get up offin’ their sofas.
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Hey, no fair! Our Subways out here don’t sell squid and limburger sandwiches!
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Must be a regional specialty.
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Hilarious perspective on the television based court system and the various opportunities that are promoted on t.v at those times
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I guess it’s better that they have these frivolous trials on TV instead of clogging up our court system. Thanks for stopping by.
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Judge Judy won’t know what hit her, unless you literally hit her with the scales of justice.
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No way; they she might sue me!
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