It’s human nature to get mad when someone acts like a thoughtless jerk, but how do we know if our rage is justified?  

My dear mom died a couple of years ago.  Recently my siblings and I were talking about people who were conspicuously absent from her funeral, one of whom was our Mom’s cousin.  He lived only 15 miles away, was in good health, and Mom had always made a point of inviting him to big family gatherings.  He was either a thoughtless jerk, or he had a good reason for not showing up, and was doing the best he could.  How can we tell?

It’s hard to figure out what motivates someone else, but we have to try.  Motive is at the heart of the case against any defendant, as we know from every crime whodunit ever penned.  

Here are some situations I have encountered and their possible interpretations.  You be the judge.

1. You’re browsing the clothing racks at a store and a woman near you is dialed into her company’s quarterly finance meeting on her phone.  On speaker.  Loud.

• Doing Her Best: Her cousin’s mother died and she is desperately looking for an appropriate black outfit for the funeral tomorrow.
• Thoughtless Jerk: Who wants to stay home and listen to this boring crap? But if she’s not logged in she’ll get in trouble with the boss.  Why not get in some recreational shopping at the same time?

Conclusion: Total asshat.  No debate. Same for everyone else who puts their phone on speaker in a public place, forcing the rest of us to listen to their business, about which we give not even one, teeny, tiny damn.  Especially if you’re in a public restroom.  Eeeew. 

2. Traffic is stop-and-go on the freeway and a car comes zipping by on the shoulder.  He swerves back into the lane at the last minute, forcing everyone else to slam on the brakes.

• Doing His Best: His wife is in active labor and he’s frantically trying to get her to the hospital in time.  He’s also coaching her Lamaze breathing: hee, hee, hee, hoooooo.
• Thoughtless Jerk:  His reservation at Le Trop Cher is in 10 minutes and maître d’ Jean Snobelle is notoriously strict about not seating late patrons.

Conclusion: This is a tough call without more info. You can’t help hoping either the cops snag him, or he crashes into the oncoming barricade.  You don’t want anyone to die, per se, just get a bit messed up so the police and/or ambulance can get them where they deserve to be.

3. Person in front of you going 10 MPH under the speed limit. You can’t pass because it’s a twisty, turny, two lane road, it’s dark, and you’re stuck on that road for another 40 miles.

• Doing His Best: Elderly gentleman going to his monthly meeting at the Moose Lodge in the next town.
• Thoughtless Jerk: Some dip wad kid too busy texting to watch the road.

Conclusion:  Can’t tell until you finally get to pass them.  If a kid texting, you curse her fluently and foretell she will meet with a bad end. If an elderly driver you strive for patience because someday, by the grace of God, you may be that old and in need of understanding.  His car means independence, a vital link connecting him to his past as a contributing member of society.  But still… what the hell?  Some of us have places to be!  Why does the DMV renew these geezers’ licenses?!?

4. Significant other always leaves dirty dishes in the sink, after you’ve told them time and time again how much it bothers you.

• Doing His/Her Best: This is new territory for them. They grew up with a house full of domestic servants and never had to clean up after themselves before. Or they were raised by wolves.
• Thoughtless Jerk: What’s the big deal? He/she fully intends to do them tomorrow-ish. It’s not like the dishes stay there long, anyway.  They magically get cleaned right when he/she was about to get to them.

Conclusion: Do we really need to debate this?  C’mon. You may be in love, but love is not TOTALLY blind. Unless you’re an anal retentive perfectionist and experience has taught them that nothing they do will ever live up to your exacting standards.  Then it’s on you.

Reviewing examples like this helps hone our interpretive skills so we can judge our fellow man with confidence.  Analyzing our own behavior, however, requires a bit more effort.  I will cover that topic in a separate piece I’m currently working on entitled; “The Speck and the Plank”.  I hope to have it done soon – I’m up to Volume 23.