Right about now, a lot of you are thinking of ways to improve yourself in the coming year; in other words, you’re making your 2017 New Year’s resolutions. Bad idea. Nobody keeps those for more than a week – two weeks, tops – so you’re setting yourself up for certain failure. If we’ve learned nothing else in the last 10 years, it’s that aiming high breeds winners, but also creates the possibility that there will be losers. That must be avoided at all costs in the interest of building self-esteem.
In the same spirit as abolishing class ranking and giving participation trophies, I propose everyone make their resolutions AFTER the year is over. That way our goals are more realistic. I’ve been doing it this way for years and my levels of self-esteem and self-love have never been higher.
Here are my Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions (aka Old Year’s Resolutions) for 2016 along with a report on how I measured up. I think you’ll be pleased with the results – I know I was:
- Lose weight…then gain it all back. I really overachieved on this one by losing 50 pounds. Not all at once, of course, but if you count all the times I lost 10 and gained back 15, it really adds up.
- Get in shape…approximately the same shape as Jabba the Hut. Nailed it.
- Improve my mind…by watching educational programming on that university of the airways, The Learning Channel. Spent hours studying “Little People of —-,” “Real Housewives of —-“ and “Family With A Whole Boat-load of Kids of —–.”
- Give back…tacky gifts that I wouldn’t be caught dead using. I successfully unloaded all such losers on unsuspecting recipients, and only regifted back to the original giver once. Awkward.
- Get involved in politics…by voting. Also by welcoming diversity in ideas as well as race and sexual orientation. Showed this by biting my tongue until it bled instead of telling others what I REALLY thought of their lame-ass candidate.
- Do unto others…before they do unto me. I practiced what I preached by not letting anyone into my lane if their lane was ending and they waited until the absolute last second to merge. Dipwads.
- Be more patient…with those who are deserving, a group that does not include rude drivers and clueless customer service representatives who are trying to get on my last nerve, I swear to god. Otherwise, Mother Theresa could take notes from me.
- Stop buying useless junk…which, of course, doesn’t include any of the incredible values and labor-saving devices I snagged on Amazon, QVC and similar fine, 2am shopping venues.
- Save money…Save the planet…Save the whales…I covered all of these “save the whatever” do-gooder goals by saving those perfume-impregnated postcards that come stuck in fashion magazines. Then I reused them as sachets in my underwear drawer.
- Finish writing my book…or finish reading a book; that’s almost as good. I highly recommend “The Calvin & Hobbes Cartoon Anthology” and even returned it to the library only a couple of weeks overdue.
- Get smart about investing…in $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets every week. Upped investment goal during weeks when the Mega Lottery payout was over $200 million.
- Plan for retirement…see “Get smart about investing” above.
- Stop swearing…except at all the @#$&-wads who must be deliberately trying to annoy me, I swear to god.
- Drink less…prune juice. Done and done.
2016 was obviously a stellar year for me, and I can hardly wait to find out how I do in 2017. There are only 365 days to go. I can practically guarantee I’ll exceed expectations once again.
What are your Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions for 2016?