My Retroactive 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

I had a very good year.

I had a very good year.

Right about now, a lot of you are thinking of ways to improve yourself in the coming year; in other words, you’re making your 2017 New Year’s resolutions.  Bad idea.  Nobody keeps those for more than a week – two weeks, tops – so you’re setting yourself up for certain failure.  If we’ve learned nothing else in the last 10 years, it’s that aiming high breeds winners, but also creates the possibility that there will be losers.  That must be avoided at all costs in the interest of building self-esteem.

In the same spirit as abolishing class ranking and giving participation trophies, I propose everyone make their resolutions AFTER the year is over.  That way our goals are more realistic.  I’ve been doing it this way for years and my levels of self-esteem and self-love have never been higher.

Here are my Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions (aka Old Year’s Resolutions) for 2016 along with a report on how I measured up.  I think you’ll be pleased with the results – I know I was:

  • Lose weight…then gain it all back.  I really overachieved on this one by losing 50 pounds.  Not all at once, of course, but if you count all the times I lost 10 and gained back 15, it really adds up.
  • Get in shape…approximately the same shape as Jabba the Hut.  Nailed it.
  • Improve my mind…by watching educational programming on that university of the airways, The Learning Channel.  Spent hours studying “Little People of —-,” “Real Housewives of —-“ and “Family With A Whole Boat-load of Kids of —–.”
  • Give back…tacky gifts that I wouldn’t be caught dead using.  I successfully unloaded all such losers on unsuspecting recipients, and only regifted back to the original giver once.  Awkward.
  • Get involved in politics…by voting.  Also by welcoming diversity in ideas as well as race and sexual orientation.  Showed this by biting my tongue until it bled instead of telling others what I REALLY thought of their lame-ass candidate.
  • Do unto others…before they do unto me.  I practiced what I preached by not letting anyone into my lane if their lane was ending and they waited until the absolute last second to merge.  Dipwads.
  • Be more patient…with those who are deserving, a group that does not include rude drivers and clueless customer service representatives who are trying to get on my last nerve, I swear to god.  Otherwise, Mother Theresa could take notes from me.
  • Stop buying useless junk…which, of course, doesn’t include any of the incredible values and labor-saving devices I snagged on Amazon, QVC and similar fine, 2am shopping venues.
  • Save money…Save the planet…Save the whales…I covered all of these “save the whatever” do-gooder goals by saving those perfume-impregnated postcards that come stuck in fashion magazines.  Then I reused them as sachets in my underwear drawer.
  • Finish writing my book…or finish reading a book; that’s almost as good.  I highly recommend “The Calvin & Hobbes Cartoon Anthology” and even returned it to the library only a couple of weeks overdue.
  • Get smart about investing…in $10 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets every week.  Upped investment goal during weeks when the Mega Lottery payout was over $200 million.
  • Plan for retirement…see “Get smart about investing” above.
  • Stop swearing…except at all the @#$&-wads who must be deliberately trying to annoy me, I swear to god.
  • Drink less…prune juice.  Done and done.

2016 was obviously a stellar year for me, and I can hardly wait to find out how I do in 2017.  There are only 365 days to go.  I can practically guarantee I’ll exceed expectations once again.

What are your Retroactive New Year’s Resolutions for 2016?

 

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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57 Responses to My Retroactive 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

  1. lorriedeck says:

    Bwhahaha! Dipwads! They’re everywhere, everywhere I tell ya!

    Like

  2. Stop swearing at other drivers…except if they fail to use turn signals, ride my bumper, stop in the middle of pedestrian walks, drive like it’s summer when it’s winter, are texting, throwing lit butts out of their car window, haven’t committed to one lane…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • pegoleg says:

      This is a constant struggle for me. If only there weren’t so many provocations!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bill the Praise and Worship Guy says:

        Tell me about it…. My “vanity” plate says “worship”, and when I am about to swerve around and darn-near cut off some clueless person dragging their heels in the fast lane, I have the chilling realization that the first thing they will see on my car is “worship”!!! It has FORCED me to be a (little) kinder driver!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • pegoleg says:

          Good thinking, Bill. That reminds me of joke about a similar driver who was stopped by the police on the way home from church. Much to her surprise he ordered her out of the car, patted her down and generally treated her like a dangerous criminal.
          “What’s going on?” she sputtered in protest.
          At last he replied, “I’ve been following you since you left church. You cut off 1 driver coming out of the lot, flipped the bird at another and road the tail of another driver for the last mile. This SUV has a fish symbol on the back, a “Jesus is the reason for the season” bumper-sticker and a “My child is an honor student at St. Mary’s” window decal, so it seems pretty obvious that you must have stolen this car.”

          Like

  3. I think this has the makings of my first column of the year for the newspaper–love it–I have, like you, exceeded all expectations….Happy New Year my friend!

    Like

  4. Al says:

    Once again you have saved untold millions from a disappointing start to the New Year. If blogging was a sport, you’re the Michael Jordan of altruism, the Tom Brady of charity, the Pete Rose of…..well, you get the point.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Elyse says:

    Not surprisingly, I am a star in the firmament of the heavens. Who knew? Other than you, Peg. Thanks for the methodology!

    Like

  6. Kudos to a brilliantly successful year! May 2017 roll around the sun for your with even more success. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I am going to imitate your good idea, but alas not your stellar accomplishments

    Like

  7. Margie says:

    Very excellent idea! We used to make our goals at the beginning of the year, then review our success at the end of the year. We never thought of doing both at the same time!
    My retroactive 2016 resolution: Finish painting the wall in the hallway – when I’ve picked a colour I like better than the one I started painting it with 5 years ago… this resolution could be a 2017 resolution too…

    Like

  8. hmunro says:

    You are hilarious! You are also either a flippin’ mind-reader or a really skillful hacker, because my list is almost identical. Except for the swearing part — there’s no way I can get more involved in $@!# politics and be more $@#! patient without erupting into involuntary swearing every now and then. Fortunately, there’s always next year! Thank you for the laughs.

    Like

  9. You nailed ’em! Way to go. Instead of looking forward, my new year post was looking back at 2016, too. The hell it was. Here’s to losing weight, retirement planning, being more kind, and planning meals ahead in 2017 – not! Have a good one no matter what.

    Like

  10. marymtf says:

    Whenever ‘real housewives’ are advertised on TV my mother asks what makes those glittery women in slinky gowns scratching at each other real. Since you’ve taken time to study them, you might have the answer.

    Like

  11. agshap says:

    Resolution #1 & only – to let it go! Life is too short (as we have seen just this past week) to hold on to the pain that weighs us down….accept each day as a new one to explore and – dont forget to “dance”…

    Like

  12. Job well done, Peg! You totally nailed 2016. Here’s hoping that your New Year’s Resolutions at the end of 2017 are just as successful.

    Like

  13. Dump the box of rocks I packed and hauled with me across the US of A two years ago. Yes. Rocks. Yes. I packed them up and paid to have them moved across the country. Yes. I’ve stored them for two years. Why? Apparently I hadn’t realized that they had rocks out here in the Pacific NW.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. List of X says:

    My resolution is to start merging into your lane no later than 1.5 seconds before my lane ends.

    Like

  15. myfrostblog says:

    This is really funny!!! My New Year’s resolution is to meditate every night before bed for five minutes. I can do this *shaking head*

    Like

  16. Everyone loves practical recycling – resolution this way actually work!
    Wishing you miles of smiles, intriguing wanderings, and lots of wonder in the New Year! Cheers and onward

    Like

  17. Lil Bit says:

    My retroactive 2016 resolution: becoming bilingual. Maybe I will become by the end of 2017. Still have 362 days left 🙂
    You are hilarious and I like that. Thank you!

    Like

  18. What an excellent idea! This very much fits in with my way of thinking, I’m sure you are like me and write things on your to-do list after you’ve done them, just so that you have some things to cross off right? And this is very much like that, and let me tell you, I like it!

    Happy New Year to you Peg wishing you a 2017 full of as yet unknown retroactive new year’s resolutions!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Haha! Must confess, VJ, that I tend to write things on my calendar AFTER they happen so I can look back and think I had a rich, activity-filled year. Happy New Year to you!

      Like

  19. Happy to be under VJC. Her comment.

    A very noble list. It’s okay to bail out on QVC but never ditch KFC. At the request of family members I resolved to be less sour. Could they have picked a more difficult resolution? Let’s go for 2017.

    Like

  20. That’s so much….. Implementing them one by one is quite good but not all at a time.But still good advices. Nothing is impossible for strong mindset. Starting with one will lead to two and so on and finally all, as one drop of water with some more drops lead to an ocean finally….
    Thanks for the advices…

    Like

  21. kmayadao says:

    This was clever. I may make retroactive resolutions for 2017. Starting with… “Discover other people who have a distaste for New Year resolutions.” (Nailed it.)

    Like

  22. They say most of us won’t reach our New Year’s resolutions, so maybe every year we should be setting the resolution to gain weight.

    When people tell me they want to write a book, I ask them when was the last time they finished reading a book. Writing a book requires way more disciple than reading one. Maybe I should be more positive in encouraging other people, but I don’t need to compete with more people writing books.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Are you in the process, or have you completed a book? I figure if I never actually finish writing one, I save myself the pain of rejection when I can’t get it published.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wrote one book, printed it off, placed it on my desk, but nobody ever called and offered to publish. So I wrote a second book, printed it off, placed it on my desk. Still no offers. People keep telling me you’re supposed to write a book proposal or send chapters to a publisher, but that sounds like a lot of work.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. susielindau says:

    I failed my resolutions last year, so they are waaay more reasonable this year. Taking lots of breaks is on the top of my list!
    Love your resolutions. My tongue is still healing too!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Pingback: I once had promises to kee: Six takes on the new year. | Erixon Pernia

  25. My only resolution this year is to social more. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I am more comfortable at home away from people. I also want to work on being judgy when I do get out or when talking to the televison.

    Liked by 1 person

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