It’s all over.
Maybe you’re wailing and gnashing your teeth.
Maybe you’re skipping and dancing in the streets.
Maybe you’re making plans to move to Fiji.
Maybe you’re shrugging your shoulders and saying “meh” because, at the end of the day, this doesn’t change a thing about our daily lives. You still have to go to work, your kid is still flunking 4th grade gym class, and you can’t figure out how to get rid of ugly ring-around-the-collar.
Regardless of how you feel about the outcome of this election, there is one fact that unites all Americans in an orgy of pure, unadulterated joy: no more political ads.
Thank you, thank you, sweet little baby Jesus.
Those ads have been a relentless torrent of vile crap, especially in the last week. Both parties laid down a carpet-bombing of pure buzzkill for both Indians and Cubs fans trying to watch the World Series in peace. And local candidates did a blitzkrieg this last week because their meager advertising budgets could only support a couple of days. They ratcheted the ads up to DEFCON 1 on radio, in the mail, on TV and in signs that covered up the beautiful, fall leaves on lawns across the land.
I turned on a favorite oldies station on my way to work the day before the election and was bombarded with election ads. I held on through 10 minutes of them, only to find the station had just switched over to Christmas music. Talk about adding insult to injury!
Not content with yard signs and radio spots, one local candidate painted the side of a van with a laundry list of his opponent’s mistakes and sins. He parked it near the mall where everyone could see it. On the truck, he accused his opponent of everything short of sacrificing goats to drink their blood while dancing around in the moonlight with the devil. Probably would have added that part if the vehicle had been a semi instead of a smaller panel van.
I can’t wait for some peace and quiet. I hope I never again have to listen to…
Ominous music: Instead of telling us what THEY were going to do for us, most of the ads showed unflattering pictures of their opponent while a worried/horrified-sounding voice-over explained why said opponent didn’t deserve to live, let alone get elected. All of this was underscored by ominous, sharks-in-the water music. Let’s leave that kind of music where it belongs, OK? In ads from plaintiffs’ attorneys trying to get rich off of class action lawsuits against big companies.
“I support working Americans”: So what? Most people work; from the 17-year-old at McDonald’s to the millionaire president of a multi-national company. Do you support ALL of them? The only people who don’t work are those who inherited wealth, are retired, or are living off the taxpayer. As the last two groups are set to take over as the majority in our country, you might as well ditch the “working Americans” rhetoric and go straight for the elderly and unemployed vote.
“I promise…” You won’t do it. Whatever it is, you either lied about it because you thought that’s what we wanted to hear, or you really meant to do it, but won’t get it off the ground because of the Washington “machine.”
“I’ll stand up…” Pu-leeze. Just sit down.
“I’ll take on…” Yeah, you’re really tough. I want a lover, not a fighter. Except when we need a fighter.
“Special interest groups”: What’s wrong with having a special interest? Everybody has one. Breast cancer research, gay rights, owning a business, school funding, stopping the Alaskan pipeline, keeping guns legal, etc, etc. If it’s something that concerns you, you contact your elected reps and try to get them to DO something about your special interest. If enough of us are interested, we hire lobbyists. Why is this a bad thing?
I’d love to think I’ll never hear any of those things again, but I know the mid-terms are 2 years away. After that, it will only be about 3-1/2 years until the next presidential election really gets going and we’re all forced to ride The Super-Big Kahuna Crap Train of Political Advertising once more.
When that day comes, I promise you this: I will take on the special interest groups of career politicians and news pundits. I will stand up for all working Americans and support your choice to move to Fiji. You have my word. (Cue sharks-in-the-water music.)