Ah, summer. Warm breezes and budding flowers call us outside after a long, cold winter. I answered that call just the other day. I strode briskly along and inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with life-giving fresh air…and about 273 gnats.
Summer isn’t all fun and games. Here are some valuable tips for surviving the coming months.
Sun: Sol, Ra; the ancients had many names for the energy source of life. Except when you have skin like mine, it’s also the source of sunburns so bad you can’t wear a bra for a week. This is sure to lead to skin cancer and death. But if you get too little sun you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and develop a severe Vitamin D deficiency like I did. Both of these can cause depression, which will probably lead to suicide and death.
It might be better to avoid the sun, invest in a good sun lamp and drink more milk.
Nature: There’s a wonderful state park practically in my backyard and now is the perfect time to go there and commune with nature in Zen-like harmony. As long as you can find Zen-like harmony when surrounded by thousands of out-of-control school children on field trips. Or legions of clueless big-city visitors falling into canyons and generally causing a hullabaloo.
Perhaps you should wait to experience nature in February when nobody else is around. Better yet, watch a National Geographic special from the safety and comfort of your own living room. Once you’ve seen a tree or two, you’ve got the general idea.
Bugs: Bugs play a vital role in our ecosystem. Nonetheless, anyone with half a brain avoids them in any shape or form at all times.
Stay indoors and keep a can of Raid handy. If you’re the adventurous type and insist on going outside, I suggest wearing a head-to-toe beekeeper’s outfit.
Water: It’s hot outside – what could be better than a refreshing swim? Great idea…if you’ve got a death wish. Chlorination levels at a public pool can cause permanent injury. And if the chlorine level isn’t high enough to damage your retinas, GET OUT NOW! Every one of the 100 screaming kids playing Marco Polo in that pool is also peeing in it.
Maybe you prefer your swimming au naturel. How do you feel about contracting Dengue fever, being dragged under by a shark, or getting sand in sensitive body orifices?
What’s wrong with a nice soak in your own, sanitary bathtub?
Barbecuing: There’s nothing like the taste of a hamburger hot off the grill. Except now experts say that the fat dropping onto the coals gets turned into cancer-causing agents, which then splatter back and are reabsorbed by your dinner. That’s assuming you get that far in the barbecue process. First you have to navigate to the deck without severing a major artery by tripping and falling through the patio doors. Then you have to deal with the very real possibility that when you squirt lighter fluid on the fire, the flame travels back up the stream to the bottle in your hand, causing an explosion that takes off your arm.
Perhaps a trip to McDonald’s would be better.
Armed with my valuable advice, I‘m sure this summer will be safe and happy for everyone. Feel free to call me if you have any questions. I’ll be sitting in my bathtub with a Happy Meal and a glass of milk, watching Wild Kingdom on TV.