A Paranoid’s Guide To Summertime Fun

Getting my summer on.

Getting my summer on. Portrait by Alfred George Stevens.

Ah, summer.  Warm breezes and budding flowers call us outside after a long, cold winter.  I answered that call just the other day.    I strode briskly along and inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with life-giving fresh air…and about 273 gnats.

Summer isn’t all fun and games.  Here are some valuable tips for surviving the coming months.

Sun:  Sol, Ra; the ancients had many names for the energy source of life.  Except when you have skin like mine, it’s also the source of sunburns so bad you can’t wear a bra for a week.  This is sure to lead to skin cancer and death.  But if you get too little sun you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and develop a severe Vitamin D deficiency like I did.  Both of these can cause depression, which will probably lead to suicide and death.

It might be better to avoid the sun, invest in a good sun lamp and drink more milk.

Nature:  There’s a wonderful state park practically in my backyard and now is the perfect time to go there and commune with nature in Zen-like harmony.  As long as you can find Zen-like harmony when surrounded by thousands of out-of-control school children on field trips.  Or legions of clueless big-city visitors falling into canyons and generally causing a hullabaloo.

Perhaps you should wait to experience nature in February when nobody else is around.  Better yet, watch a National Geographic special from the safety and comfort of your own living room.   Once you’ve seen a tree or two, you’ve got the general idea.

Bugs:  Bugs play a vital role in our ecosystem.  Nonetheless, anyone with half a brain avoids them in any shape or form at all times.

Stay indoors and keep a can of Raid handy.  If you’re the adventurous type and insist on going outside, I suggest wearing a head-to-toe beekeeper’s outfit.

Water: It’s hot outside – what could be better than a refreshing swim?   Great idea…if you’ve got a death wish.  Chlorination levels at a public pool can cause permanent injury.   And if the chlorine level isn’t high enough to damage your retinas, GET OUT NOW!  Every one of the 100 screaming kids playing Marco Polo in that pool is also peeing in it.

Maybe you prefer your swimming au naturel.  How do you feel about contracting Dengue fever, being dragged under by a shark, or getting sand in sensitive body orifices?

What’s wrong with a nice soak in your own, sanitary bathtub?

Barbecuing:  There’s nothing like the taste of a hamburger hot off the grill.  Except now experts say that the fat dropping onto the coals gets turned into cancer-causing agents, which then splatter back and are reabsorbed by your dinner.  That’s assuming you get that far in the barbecue process.  First you have to navigate to the deck without severing a major artery by tripping and falling through the patio doors.  Then you have to deal with the very real possibility that when you squirt lighter fluid on the fire, the flame travels back up the stream to the bottle in your hand, causing an explosion that takes off your arm.

Perhaps a trip to McDonald’s would be better.

Armed with my valuable advice, I‘m sure this summer will be safe and happy for everyone.  Feel free to call me if you have any questions.  I’ll be sitting in my bathtub with a Happy Meal and a glass of milk, watching Wild Kingdom on TV.

 

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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30 Responses to A Paranoid’s Guide To Summertime Fun

  1. susielindau says:

    Ha! And there’s the risk of undercooked meat and getting e-coli. What fun!! So far, no mosquitos, but temps are rising. I’m glad I don’t live in Death Valley. It’s supposed to hit a record temperature today of 134!!! I would think if you’re driving through it and broke down you would cook like an egg!

    Like

  2. franhunne4u says:

    You are wearing a bra in your bathtub? I think one can take modesty a little too far, dear Peg.

    Like

  3. Elyse says:

    Why can’t it just be spring and fall all year long. Or Autumn I mean. “Fall” sounds too dangerous.

    Like

  4. lisakunk says:

    I was just reading about a guy who found a McDonalds burger in an old coat pocket and it hadn’t aged a day. Hmmm At least we can figure we’ll never starve if a burger is still inside us somewhere.

    Like

  5. Great. Now all I have to do to survive the world is build a hermetically sealed dome (UV shielded, of course) and subsist on the plants I can grow within.

    Naaaa – too much work. Can I live in a McDonald’s, instead?

    Like

  6. Brilliant and succinct, as usual. Props to the funny lady!

    Speaking of bugs, success was had in our anti bug campaign this spring. By setting yellow jacket traps early, we actually caught the queen, and voilà!, no yellow jackets.
    That trumps a McDonald’s burger any day.
    (wait a minute…trump…mcdonalds…donald…
    is he just a big piece of fatty meat?) hmmm

    Liked by 1 person

  7. janmalique says:

    Gosh, your advice has been valuable and worrying in equal measures. I am now looking the world around me with new eyes, myopic admittedly but still in working order. Unless I accidently poke myself in either or both eyes…

    Like

  8. lifevivified says:

    Brain-eating amoeba. It’s a wonder any of us made it to adulthood.

    Like

  9. Oh Peg, you are cautious beyond repair. I, too, have to avoid bites and the like, which is why my new home will have a screened in porch on the back, to help keep those pesky critters at bay. Glad you have your lovely screened porch to enjoy this summer season! Best investment, don’t you think? Spot on, as usual! 🙂

    Like

  10. I’ve had three–count ’em–THREE–basal cell carcinoma surgeries. The sun is no friend to me. Ever notice how smooth and lovely a vampire’s skin is? That’s no accident.

    Can’t they make cancer taste like kale instead of beef?

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Yikes! That’s nothing to fool around with. When I think about all the horrible sunburns I got as a child, I really should go in for a total skin check. Or become a vampire.

      Like

  11. Sometimes the bugs want in! Moths and mosquitoes constantly want to come inside. I say we should design a truce. You stay on your side of the door and I’ll stay on mine.

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  12. Little Voice says:

    There are folks who really enjoy the outdoors: bugs, bites, sunburns, cookouts, etc., etc., etc.
    Me, I’m happy with a clean window to gaze out of looking at the squirrels, lizards, ants., and other outdoor creatures buzzing, flying, running, around in the summer heat. I personally love air conditioning and comfortable chairs.

    Like

  13. Little Voice says:

    Reblogged this on that little voice and commented:
    Such positive reasons to stay indoors this summer. Peg nailed them all!!

    Like

  14. Give me summer all year long! I dance in the heat love it love it love it. While I give due worship to my best sun screens (don’t want to wrinkle and spot to soon) I nonetheless, love the heat and the rays of the sun touching me, every inch I can expose without scaring small children.

    Like

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