S & P 500: This stands for the Standard & Poor’s 500, which is an index based on the common stock of 500 large, American companies listed on the NYSE. I check this index often because I dabble in the stock market myself. I use a method financiers call “market timing.” This involves studying other market indices, factoring in “bear” and “bull” signs, and extrapolating your position vis a vis “puts” and “calls.” You invest your life savings at the exact moment the market reaches the tippy-toppy height of its climb, and then you watch it take a swan dive off a cliff.
500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins: This early Dr. Seuss book was a favorite of mine as a child. Our hero, Bartholomew Cubbins, had 500 hats and they all looked the same, except for their increasingly fancy feathers. This book addressed the crucial issue of hat hoarding. If you have this problem, be sure to buy all different kinds of hats. Otherwise you’ll donate your old ones to the Goodwill and, because you also like to shop there, you’ll be browsing, see one, say; “Hmm, I like that hat,” and you’ll end up buying back your own stuff.
International 500: This is the longest, fastest snowmobile race in the world and it’s held every winter in Sault Ste Marie in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Racers circle a 1-mile track 500 times at speeds up to 100 miles per hour. Most of us would call it “death-defying” to drive through miles of such icy, snowy, and treacherous conditions. Yoopers, as those in the UP are known, just call it “getting to work.”
500 Nations: This is a website that provides resources for Native Americans to celebrate their rich, cultural heritage of raking in $30 billion per year on bingo and craps.
Tek-Care 500: This is a wireless nurse-call system which alerts staff when nursing home residents try to make a break for it. The company is hard at work on an even more desperately needed alarm system to alert staff when residents have been lying around in their own filth for more than 36 hours.
Route 500: Route 500 is a bus route in the city of Tacoma, Washington which is not to be confused with the iconic Route 66 that spans the western half of America. While many artists have covered the Route 66 theme song, “Get Your Kicks On Route 66,” Route 500’s theme is a little less well known; “Get Your Butt Sores From Waiting Around On Hard Benches For Buses That Never Come On Route 500.”
500 yard Freestyle: This is a swimming race. It’s called the freestyle because swimmers can do whatever the hell they want to, except:
- No breaststroke, butterfly, or backstroke
- Cannot push off the bottom or hang on the wall or pull on the lane lines during the course of the race
- No false starts
- Swimmers must stay in their lanes
- Some part of the swimmer must touch the wall upon completion of each length and at the finish
- Some part of the swimmer must break the surface of the water throughout the race, except it shall be permissible for the swimmer to be completely submerged during the turn and for a distance of not more than 15 meters after the start and each turn. By that point the head must have broken the surface.
The freestyle is anarchy in a Speedo!
Legacy 500: This is an executive jet known for its state-of-the-art elegance, sleek styling and super speed. It is a favorite of politicians and celebrities who constantly need to jet around the world to raise awareness about the evils of carbon dioxide. This jet is so popular with climate changers, in fact, that the latest model has been dubbed the Al Gore 500 and will only serve a special, green Dom Perignon to show solidarity with environmental issues.
McElroy Trac Star 500: This is a fusion machine – kind of like a welder – that the manufacturer says, “will butt fuse pipe sizes from 6” IPS to 20” OD.” I wouldn’t touch that line with a 20-inch butt-fused pipe.
500 Million: Number of thank yous I extend to you, my readers, who have put up with me through the 499 posts that preceded this one. Whether the topic originated in my brain, my funny bone or my heart, a little piece of me went into every post.
I couldn’t have timed it any better than wrapping up 2015 with my 500th post. I hope you’ll stick around so we can unwrap a fresh, shiny 2016 together.
Happy New Year!