My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining The Economy

Christmas is all about traditions.  Every year we unpack our favorite ornaments, unearth the Bing Crosby CDs and watch It’s a Wonderful Life.

Around this blog, tradition means dusting off the ghosts of Christmas blog posts past, some of which are staler than re-gifted fruitcake.

This was my first Freshly Pressed post.

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Support your local eggnog farmer!
Support your local eggnog farmer!

My sister-in-law, Lisa, just announced she is starting a diet.  With 3 weeks to go until Christmas.

This is wrong on so many levels.  Besides the masochistic overtones, we have to consider how such a move might affect the nation’s economic recovery.

Lisa just wants to look hot for New Years Eve.   But she may be starting a dangerous trend.  Perhaps I can help her to see the bigger picture – what economists call the unintended consequences.

Seasonal industries have just a small window of opportunity to make sales.  (i.e. yellow marshmallow chickees that can only be sold for 1 week before Easter.)  In December, fattening Christmas food companies are scrambling to make their budget goals.

Take eggnog.   Its rich, creamy goodness is almost synonymous with Christmas.  But where does it come from?  Family farms in the heartland keep herds of  special, eggnog-producing cows just for the Christmas season.  No eggnog, no eggnog farms.

All the farms will be sold for shopping malls, the farm children will have to leave the land for New York to become actor/model/waiters and the cows will be processed into McBurgers.  Do you want to be responsible for the end of the family farm in America, Lisa?

And what about that company that makes those chocolate-covered cherries that you can get for $1 at Big Lots and other fine emporiums?  They do all their sales this month.  Does it occur to you, Lisa, that the firm that makes those has employees?  If health-conscious, get-in-shape people don’t buy those candies, all the chocolate-covered cherry employees and their families, some of whom might have lame children who use crutches, will be out on the streets. Just in time for Christmas, you Scrooge!

These are just a few of the businesses that would be affected. There are anise-flavored cookies, monastery-made bourbon fudge and whisky fruitcake, and candy canes.   I’m sure we could come up with lots of examples.

Sure, tofu sales will go up. But that won’t increase jobs.  There is such a huge surplus of tofu just sitting around on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator case in the grocery store produce section (often right under the Bleu Cheese crumbles, ironically), we could go years without making any more.

And what about after Christmas?  In the natural order of things, you sign up for diet and exercise programs in January.  If nobody is overindulging in December, no one will be repentant and resolved to change in January.

80% of the YMCA’s income is derived from initial membership fees garnered in January.  They can’t rely on the monthly fees, because those dry up in March.  That’s when the new members cancel, although they actually stop working out after only 2 weeks.  (The Y does get residual income from all the new members who forget they signed up to have the dues automatically deducted from their bank account.  They can end up paying for years after their actual 2-week attendance is over.)

Eat, Papa, eat!

Do you want to be responsible for closing the doors on a fine, old institution like the Young Men’s Christian Association?  And then what?  Our nation’s young men will be out on the streets, joining gangs, becoming hooligans, and not being Christian.

Nutrisystems will go back to using their food as industrial lubricants, Jenny Craig will have to get a job as a brownie taster and South Beach will be deserted. Dr. Atkins will turn over in his grave!

(“America the Beautiful” starts softly in the background).

We are trying to climb out of a terrible recession right now, Lisa.  Our president, and our congressmen and women, are working hard to get this economy back on track

(for amber waves of grain…)

It is the duty of every American to help in this struggle.  If you think your hot-ness is more important than your country, Lisa, keep up the pre-Christmas diet.  Help put thousands, nay millions of our fellow Americans out of work.

But as for me and mine, we love the U.S. of A., and we will support her!

(music builds to a crescendo, “from sea to shining sea!”, I get up and walk out like that scene in Animal House where Dean Wormer revokes the Delta’s charter because they have been on double-secret probation ).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some peppermint stick ice cream!

 

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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36 Responses to My Sister-In-Law Is Ruining The Economy

  1. Very funny! Your sister-in-law does have a problem!! Great job

    Like

  2. Elyse says:

    I’m pretty sure that your brother put out a contract on you when he realized that millions of people would read this, and that Lisa would be convinced to listen to you. What kind of sister ARE you, Peg?

    And speaking of Freshly Pressed, it is no more! I was sad to see it, even though I don’t read it often. How am I ever to get past my three measly FP’d posts to compete with you, oh Great One????? You’re going to have to refresh “Freshly Pegged” for sure now!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    It’s all about the spin, isn’t it? Clever post. I can see why it was Freshly Pressed. I recently learned Freshly Pressed is no longer a thing. As always, I’m the last to know. Such a laggard I am.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Here here! Raising my glass of spiked egg nog!

    Like

  5. I remember this one! Surely the passing of Freshly Pressed is reason for you to bring back Freshly Pegged? Whadyasay?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well, I WAS making an effort not to consume my usual kilolitre of eggnog this year, but now that I’ve been alerted to the plight of the poor eggnog farmers who would be most unjustly affected by my misguided fit of self-restraint, I think a trip to the grocery store is in order.

    Like

  7. M.Winter says:

    Why? Oh why has she decided to do it before Christmas? Naughty move. That’s why we make resolutions in the beginning of the year. Please tell her to not be a renegade.

    Like

  8. I remember when you were Freshly Pressed for this gem. I was almost as excited as you and it was SO fun refreshing and reading all the comments as they accumulated. Even better was when Lisa finally realized her fame through your piece and logged in. It was great fun. Sad that FP is no longer.

    Like

    • Was “more” excited than you. Really, I was stoked by your success. Those were heady numbers back in the day.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        It was fun, wasn’t it Tar? I don’t know if that will happen again, even if a post of mine gets “discovered”. Not sure how it works anymore. Sigh.

        When are you going to BC? It will be great to see you and Pat. I wanted you to know that mine was the vote that swung things in your favor when the family discussed banning you from all holiday events if Pat wasn’t bringing his world-famous buckeyes and peanut brittle.

        You’re welcome.

        Like

  9. Eggnog cows! That was a funny one ( still snorted and giggled all the way through this time, too)
    And those chocolate covered cherries – those were a serious joke in my family as a box of those was one of the first gifts my dad bought my mom when they started dating ( and they could hardly eat them for laugh so hard at how bad they were) – it wasn’t Christmas without those chocolate covered cherries
    Thanks for the grins

    Like

  10. The Cutter says:

    Good, but I feel it could have used an accompanying video of the Village People singing YMCA

    Like

  11. Shannon says:

    Your and Darla’s FP pieces were always amazing. Sorry you will never get to hit 10, a FP phenom while it lasted. 😦

    Like

  12. pattisj says:

    Maybe we could tempt her with white chocolate peppermint. And there seems to be a lot of leftover Pumpkin Spice you-name-it, too. Happy New Year, Peg!

    Like

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