I’d like to think I’m the kind of person who would rush into a burning building to save somebody’s cat. But when it comes to scary or gory stuff? I’m a total wuss.
My friend Susie at Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride went to see the movie Jaws projected onto a big screen behind a swimming pool for ultimate impact. She said it was fun, but I’m not buying it. I don’t care if the special effects look like a couple of 4-year-olds playing with toys in the tub by today’s standards. I saw that movie when it first came out, and it was super-scary. Hearing that theme song when I’m near any body of water bigger than a wading pool is enough to make me pee my pants.
Lots of people love horror films and graphic games, my own kid included. Not me. Once I’ve been introduced to a gruesome menace (be it alien or domestic) it is just a hop, skip and a jump for my vivid imagination to put said menace on the road leading straight to my house.
I’m a wuss; how about you? Now there’s any easy way to tell.
Peg-co’s patented Wuss-o-Meter* gauges wussosity using a scientifically developed psychological profile. Take this quick survey to see where you stack up.
I. You hear a strange noise downstairs late at night. You:
- grab a baseball bat and go down to investigate.
- send your significant other down to investigate.
- send your 6-year-old child down to investigate.
- go on the hunt, armed with enough firepower to subdue an enemy army, vowing not to rest until this rodent scourge has been eradicated.
- put out a mouse trap and shut the kitchen door until it has been caught.
- don your house slippers and do a Tom & Jerry on the nearest stool.
III. A friend invites you to see the sequel to Mutant Axe-Murderer Zombie Apocalypse of Gore. You:
- say, “Great –I just got my Mutant Axe-Murderer Zombie Apocalypse of Gore super-fan costume back from the cleaners. Let’s camp out overnight to be first in line!”
- go and have fun, but pretend you dropped your phone during the especially gruesome parts so you have an excuse to look away.
- say, “Sorry, I can’t make it. I feel a cold sore coming on.”
IV. There’s no better way to unwind at the end of a long day than by playing video-games. Your go-to favorite is:
V. You overcome your fear of the original, black and white Night of The Living Dead movie, which gave you nightmares as a kid, and go see a revival showing at the Bijou. As a result, you:
- have a great time eating popcorn and laughing at the film, which now looks campy with its overly dramatic acting and dated special effects.
- have a great time but leave the nightlight on when you go to bed.
- pretend to have a great time, but whenyou get home you run in, dead-bolt all the doors, nail boards on the windows, and then hide under the covers armed with an economy-size bottle of holy water. You would have hidden under the bed if you weren’t convinced that space was already occupied by formerly beloved family members who have been turned into flesh-eating undead.
Score: Add up each answer’s allotted points and check your score against the Wuss-o-Meter* handy classification guide:
- 5- 7 points: Bad-ass. You ain’t afraid of nothing; not nobody, not no-how. This spirit is exemplified by Katniss Everdeen of The Hunger Games saga.
- 8-11 points: Everyman. You’re brave enough when you have to be, but temper that with a healthy dose of caution, like Woody from Toy Story.
- 12-15 point: Mr. Chicken. You’re not exactly afraid of your own shadow, but you don’t trust how it always seems to be right behind you. The poster-child for wussiness was Don Knotts in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, who narrowly beat out The Cowardly Lion to claim the title.
*The Wuss-o-Meter is another fine product from Peg-Co.’s Behavioral/Health Sciences Division, a subsidiary of Peg-o-Leg Industries. Peg-o-Leg Industries – making money any way we can.