Wedding season is upon us. Once again, the fine folks at Peg-Co are standing by to help with your wedding day emergencies.
Congratulations – you’re getting married!
One of the most crucial decisions you’ll make is where to have the wedding. If you’re like many brides, you’ve tuned out advice from clueless old fogies (i.e. your parents) and listened to your Inner Disney Princess. She says:
It’s MY special day; I’ll do exactly what I want.
That’s why you’ve decided on an outdoor wedding.
You can see it now: birds will soar lazily through a blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds, their chirping blending sweetly with your music. A soft, gentle breeze will perfume the 75-degree air with the scent of flowers and freshly mown grass.
Pfffft.
That was LAST weekend. Time to deal with today’s reality. The clever bride makes sure she’s ready for anything, with a little help from Peg-Co. Our Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of wedding favors combines sentiment with practicality so you can handle whatever Mother Nature throws at you.
We’ve got you covered for:
- Stench: How ironic for a hipster like you to have her ceremony at a real farm! But what’s a city girl to do when inconsiderate farmers have chosen today to fertilize? Nosepins to the rescue. You’ll end up smelling like a rose with our customized clothespins to protect guests’ scents sense.
- Noise: It turns out the Tri-state Harley Club’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mufflers” competition is being held across the street. Guests won’t be able to hear a word of the ceremony, let alone your $100/hour harpist. Our Hear No Evil MP3 players with attached earphones save the day. They’re just like the ones you rent for self-guided museum tours. Instead of hearing the difference between Cubism and Pointillism, guests will enjoy a full wedding ceremony with your names prerecorded. Please specify: Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Jewish, or New Age services.
- Cold: Toast The Bride gloves and scarf sets embroidered with your names will bring this special day to mind long after the feeling returns to guests’ extremities.
- Hot: Nothing puts a damper on a party like half the guests dropping from heat stroke. When you’ve got 98 Degrees on the thermometer as well as the turntable, you’ll be glad you ordered Ice, Ice, Baby terry cloth ice-pack covers. Just fill with ice and have guests sling them across the back of their necks. Your names custom embroidered on the cover reminds guests who to thank for having a hot time in the old town tonight.
- Rain: Personalized Pair-a-sols umbrellas are big enough to protect two lovebirds even if it’s raining cats and dogs.
- More Rain: It’s been raining for 10 days straight, but you’re not worried; you’ve booked the Wedding Ark Our rowboat is painted white and draped with tulle to provide a charming way to ferry guests across the Lake of Love (formerly the parking lot) to your ceremony site. (Please specify if you wish to hire Captain Noah to man the oars.)
- After the Rain: It finally stopped raining, but you’re still bailing out from last week’s deluge. When the lawn at your venue has turned to swamp, guests will be thankful for These Boots Were Made For Weddin’ galoshes. See-through, plastic boots personalized with your names slip right over guests’ expensive Manolo Blahniks. Not only does this protect their shoes, it makes sure their 6” stilettos don’t turn guests into human lawn Jarts. (Be sure to pick up some Leg Savers to keep folding chairs from being similarly planted in the saturated ground.)
- Plague: The weather is clear and warm, the ground is firm and dry, the air is sweet smelling and blessedly quiet. Congratulations – your wedding day looks just like you dreamed!
I said it LOOKS great.
But after all the recent rain and heat, setting foot on the grass is sure to raise swarms of mosquitoes big enough to carry the bride off like the winged monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. You’ll be glad you ordered (Don’t) Bite Me personalized bottles of Deep Woods Off. These are specially formulated to protect guests from Lyme Disease and Dengue Fever with the light scent of orange blossom.
Matchbook covers and personalized napkins are all very well for a “normal” wedding, but when you move it outside you need Peg-Co’s Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of products.
With Peg-Co on your side, when Mother Nature asks, “Can you take it?” you’ll respond, “Dish it out!”
*10% discount for combination orders. After all, every one of these contingencies is equally likely to happen. Please allow at least 6 months for personalization and to give your parents time to line up a second mortgage. Peg-Co ( a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries) is not responsible for normal wedding hazards including, but not limited to, ruined shoes, malaria, or a drunken bride telling her new mother-in-law what she REALLY thinks of her.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
After hosting my daughter’s outdoor wedding (in the large yard behind our office building), I see that you have missed one: WIND. The day was beautiful and sunny, but WINDY – half the decorations blew away before the ceremony. The very nice vase of flowers that was to be the ceremonial centerpiece blew off the altar and shattered (and it was a vase that had sentimental value – you know, the “something old”). We worried whether or not the tent would remain standing during the entire ceremony – in fact, we had to open some of the flaps and let the wind through so the entire tent wouldn’t go down (guests were on their own with regard to their hairdos). The worst part was – the bride and groom had trouble lighting those darn candles because the wind kept blowing the flame out. We all worried that was a bad omen, but fortunately their marriage turned out to be quite strong.
I would never to another wedding, especially an outdoor one, without professional help. I even missed being part of all the after-ceremony pictures because I was so busy running around trying to pick everything – cleaning up immediately was part of the deal with my boss for allowing the wedding in that location. If you look at the pictures now, you’d think I wasn’t there at all that day – but at least the grounds and office were cleaned up.
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Wind – of course! The Peg-Co engineers are already working on our new Breeze-Be-Gone feature. These are a bank of enormous fans that you set up along the side of the venue from which the wind is coming. They push back against that old blowhard, Mother Nature, at equal velocity, thereby leaving the space behind the fans wind-free.
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I like it. Where were your engineers when I needed them?
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Don’t forget to mention that just because your wedding is INSIDE doesn’t mean Mother Nature won’t eff with you. About a third of our RSVPed guests didn’t make it to our wedding because severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings prevented them from traveling.
Oh well. More beer, catered food, and cake for the wedding party!
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What a great attitude you had! I would have been rather miffed, but there’s not much you can do about that unless you book at an underground bunker and bring all the guests in to stay at least a week ahead of time. Hmmmm….that gives me an idea…
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Where or where was Peg-Co 15 years ago when I got hitched? Well, I suppose I can put all these great products to use when my own son gets married. Is there an orange-scented spray in the works called “Daughter-In-Law-B-Gone!”? Y’know, for those times when I’m drunk and want to say what I really think of her.
Oh, and I still think it’s Pbbssst not Pffft. Maybe that’s because I tend to spit a little more …?.
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I went to a wedding like that years ago. Both the bride and groom were toasted and the bride got into it with her brand-new MIL right there on the dance floor. Good times, good times. The truly amazing thing is I hear they’re still married, 30 years later.
Pbbbssffft
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You must have a very patient, hard of hearing or forgiving MIL, Peg …
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Haha! No, I was very lucky – my MIL was a sweetie.
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And what about yourself? You have grownup children, don’t you? Are you/will you be a sweetie?
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Neither shows any inclination to be married, but when/if they do, I’ll try to at least not be a total witch.
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Oh, witches are fine (think of Granny Weatherwax, not of the ones in Oz) – they get things done.
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Love your “Wedded (Ignorance is) Bliss”!! How true, how true. And the effort that goes into planning a few hours just boggles me. I vote for an island wedding, which is what we did 20 years ago when we got married in the Bahamas. So relaxing, and if it smelled or got too windy, we were the only ones who cared. Minimal stress, no mess, and we enjoyed a bottle of champagne on the beach after the ceremony. Just a thought… 😉
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That does sound lovely. I’m generally not a big fan of a wedding designed so that anybody who is old, poor or has young children is automatically excluded. But I do realize that there are situations where the destination wedding DOES work out to be the best for those involved.
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Rolling with laughter (it’s been a bit since a the family member’s outdoor wedding…understand that this was the wettest fall/winter/spring we’ve had for a loooong time.)
Everyone wept when the desired wedding venue burned during the fierce forest fires…but wait! A new locale (unburned) was found and available during an acceptable time – and it was surrounded by water on 3 sides – part of the lazy sleepy Brazos River…..there were only a couple of very low bridges for people to cross – and absolutely no hotels anywhere close(except the few venue rooms for the wedding party and quite a drive through low pastoral river bottom land.
so you know about all the flooding….I hear the rain did break for the ceremony which was finally held on the porch – but the mom was angry so many did not brave the “the water on the road is shallow – really what is the problem?”
More champagne!
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Forest fire and torrential rains following at the same location? Methinks the gods were trying to tell this couple something.
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six months apart, but that thought did occur..(and it will be the mother-in-law. The bride’s a brave one…)
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I wonder how long it will take before someone tries to actually buy one of these products…
I love the nosepins. How cute we’d all look. But I’m also wondering, do you have anything for those who can’t hold their bladder through a long ceremony?
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Hopefully soon – operators are standing by, Carrie.
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I could have used some of the Ice, Ice Baby terry-cloth covers for my sister’s wedding. She did the outdoors thing, and had a motorcycle theme.
EVERYONE who attended was requested to wear leather.
In July.
In Wisconsin.
In the early afternoon.
It was almost worth the heatstroke to see the newly-married couple not walk back down the rows of assembled chairs, but to climb on the bike and roar off into the ‘proverbial’ sunset.
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Bridezilla? Who in their right minds lets their wedding guests feel uncomfortable and sweaty?
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If you knew my sister – the whole ‘right minds’ statement flies straight out the window.
Anyone wanna buy a leather vest (worn once) to fit a 52″ bust?
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Leather, for a summer wedding? Yikes!
We went to one 2 years ago and there was no leather, but it was 95 in the shade and no breeze. I kept watching to see if the father of the bride, a pretty big guy in a full tux, was gonna pass out. Absolutely miserable.
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Wow, I didn’t realize that we were challenging the gods when we got married outdoors twelve years ago. Fortunately it was in a neighbor’s backyard so we didn’t have to worry about fertilizer smells or the Harley club. We did finally had the party closed down due to noise complaints (they must have lived pretty far away since all of our neighbors were at the reception), but that just adds to the story. The cops who made us quit stayed a little longer than they had to and asked for our band’s contact info before they left. Good times.
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Sounds like fun. You know you were incredibly lucky you didn’t have to contend with one of these natural disasters, don’t you?
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I’m getting married to Phil in 10 years. Can I book your services now? 😉 It rains here a lot in the Portland area…
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Commencing work on your Ark of Love.
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Good. Doesn’t have to be very large. Most of my family and friends will be dead by then. Handicap-accessible features are a must, though!
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Gee, Lorna – that’s looking on the bright side.
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Only being realistic, Peg. Expect the best, plan for the worst!
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I had perfect weather for my wedding. I assume that’s because our love is stronger than everyone else’s.
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THAT’S what Peg-Co needs to add to their fine line-up of products – love charms to make sure true love will conquer all.
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Heat. That’s what I had. Oh, and Humidity. My new husband was dripping sweat, which, I the dutiful new wife, tenderly wiped away with a white napkin. Which balled up and stuck to his skin. He looks diseased in a couple of pictures before we realized what had happened.
I love this line of products. Wish I’d thunk of it Peg!
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Nothin’ says lovin’ like a bunch of little bits of Kleenex stuck to your sweetie’s sweaty face, right?
I think I’ve gone to at least 2 of each of these wedding disasters in my long, illustrious career. Another one is looming in 2 weeks that had these ominous words on the invite “wedding outdoors, weather permitting.”
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So many FUN memories of outdoor family weddings. I would also caution all that if you are cooking at home to let the caterers know where the fuse box is. I also remember dodging butternuts from a tree that the tent was under-you know-when you had to leave the tent to get another drink!!!! Great post Peg!!!!!
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Gotta watch out for falling nature debris when making a beer run – great advice!
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Oh my goodness. Where were you when I got married? As soon as I get de-vorced, and snag me another man, I’ll be placing my order!
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We stand ready to serve!
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Ha,ha,ha!! I laughed so hard I was snorting. What a great business you have. My favorite items are the personalized OFF cans. Thanks for the much needed laugh, Peg. 🙂 🙂
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Seriously, have you ever been to one of THOSE weddings? I did some years ago. They sprayed the heck out of the clearing where the ceremony was held, but walking to and from it through the picturesque garden, we all got so many bites we looked like lepers. The reception was at a lovely old mansion on the same property and some of the tables were set on the veranda. Those who were assigned those tables flatly refused to sit outside because of the mosquitoes. We had to wait while the venue scrambled to stick extra tables in every nook and cranny inside the house.
It was so crowded you couldn’t even move between the tables, but we all had a great time anyway.
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Ha! Yea, it’s never as wonderful as the bride imagines it to be.
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I remember that wedding you referred to, mostly because I couldn’t make it and was SO glad I didn’t have to endure the bugs and heat. So glad mine was in November and early enough there was no snowstorm and not hot. Ah, memories…
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I’m glad I’m not getting married outside this year! We went to one last year. It rained all weekend! we could have used your special galoshes. 🙂
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I really think I’m on to something here, Susie. All I need are some investors. 😉
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You need to blog Part II. The Crowdfunder….
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Hmmm….
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Reblogged this on britalexandra.
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Thanks for the reblog.
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Sounds like you have it pretty well covered, with one exception. Peg-o-leg Industries might be interested in leasing the production rights to my product, “Bolt Be Gone”, portable personal lightning rods. Our motto: “with this by your side, you’ll never get fried!”
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Hmmm. I think this would be perfect for our The Thrill is Gone line of divorce ware. Put some glitter on them, give them to the one you don’t love and send em out in a storm.
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What great products! What a great ideas. My eldest son got married outside, in Texas, in May….all I could say is really? Then show up and dance. At least the reception was inside. The wind blew, the heat was stiffing, the ground was soggy from the torrential rains of the previous days. It was still a fabulous wedding and they are still going strong nearly 10 years later.
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It’s like childbirth – amnesia sets in and you mainly remember the good stuff after a couple of years.
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This is so true! Very well done, I must say. It’s always best to plan for the worst. I got married in Washington state during the rainiest month of the year, November. We took this into account with our planning, but wouldn’t you know, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky with beautiful sunshine. It was a very nice surprise.
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You were so lucky!
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I know, it was absolutely serendipitous. What were the chances of the weather allowing us to take gorgeous pictures outside? I know the common saying is that rain on your wedding day is lucky, but I think someone made that up to comfort brides who lost the weather lottery.
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