Wedding season is upon us. Once again, the fine folks at Peg-Co are standing by to help with your wedding day emergencies.
One of the most crucial decisions you’ll make is where to have the wedding. If you’re like many brides, you’ve tuned out advice from clueless old fogies (i.e. your parents) and listened to your Inner Disney Princess. She says:
It’s MY special day; I’ll do exactly what I want.
That’s why you’ve decided on an outdoor wedding.
You can see it now: birds will soar lazily through a blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds, their chirping blending sweetly with your music. A soft, gentle breeze will perfume the 75-degree air with the scent of flowers and freshly mown grass.
That was LAST weekend. Time to deal with today’s reality. The clever bride makes sure she’s ready for anything, with a little help from Peg-Co. Our Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of wedding favors combines sentiment with practicality so you can handle whatever Mother Nature throws at you.
We’ve got you covered for:
- Stench: How ironic for a hipster like you to have her ceremony at a real farm! But what’s a city girl to do when inconsiderate farmers have chosen today to fertilize? Nosepins to the rescue. You’ll end up smelling like a rose with our customized clothespins to protect guests’ scents sense.
- Noise: It turns out the Tri-state Harley Club’s “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Mufflers” competition is being held across the street. Guests won’t be able to hear a word of the ceremony, let alone your $100/hour harpist. Our Hear No Evil MP3 players with attached earphones save the day. They’re just like the ones you rent for self-guided museum tours. Instead of hearing the difference between Cubism and Pointillism, guests will enjoy a full wedding ceremony with your names prerecorded. Please specify: Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Jewish, or New Age services.
- Cold: Toast The Bride gloves and scarf sets embroidered with your names will bring this special day to mind long after the feeling returns to guests’ extremities.
- Hot: Nothing puts a damper on a party like half the guests dropping from heat stroke. When you’ve got 98 Degrees on the thermometer as well as the turntable, you’ll be glad you ordered Ice, Ice, Baby terry cloth ice-pack covers. Just fill with ice and have guests sling them across the back of their necks. Your names custom embroidered on the cover reminds guests who to thank for having a hot time in the old town tonight.
- Rain: Personalized Pair-a-sols umbrellas are big enough to protect two lovebirds even if it’s raining cats and dogs.
- More Rain: It’s been raining for 10 days straight, but you’re not worried; you’ve booked the Wedding Ark Our rowboat is painted white and draped with tulle to provide a charming way to ferry guests across the Lake of Love (formerly the parking lot) to your ceremony site. (Please specify if you wish to hire Captain Noah to man the oars.)
- After the Rain: It finally stopped raining, but you’re still bailing out from last week’s deluge. When the lawn at your venue has turned to swamp, guests will be thankful for These Boots Were Made For Weddin’ galoshes. See-through, plastic boots personalized with your names slip right over guests’ expensive Manolo Blahniks. Not only does this protect their shoes, it makes sure their 6” stilettos don’t turn guests into human lawn Jarts. (Be sure to pick up some Leg Savers to keep folding chairs from being similarly planted in the saturated ground.)
- Plague: The weather is clear and warm, the ground is firm and dry, the air is sweet smelling and blessedly quiet. Congratulations – your wedding day looks just like you dreamed!
But after all the recent rain and heat, setting foot on the grass is sure to raise swarms of mosquitoes big enough to carry the bride off like the winged monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. You’ll be glad you ordered (Don’t) Bite Me personalized bottles of Deep Woods Off. These are specially formulated to protect guests from Lyme Disease and Dengue Fever with the light scent of orange blossom.
Matchbook covers and personalized napkins are all very well for a “normal” wedding, but when you move it outside you need Peg-Co’s Wedded (Ignorance Is) Bliss line of products.
With Peg-Co on your side, when Mother Nature asks, “Can you take it?” you’ll respond, “Dish it out!”
*10% discount for combination orders. After all, every one of these contingencies is equally likely to happen. Please allow at least 6 months for personalization and to give your parents time to line up a second mortgage. Peg-Co ( a division of Peg-O-Leg Industries) is not responsible for normal wedding hazards including, but not limited to, ruined shoes, malaria, or a drunken bride telling her new mother-in-law what she REALLY thinks of her.