Some of Y’all Need To Pay More Taxes

I wrote this piece a couple of years ago, and WordPress was kind enough to choose it for Freshly Pressed.   Here it is again, in honor of our national day of financial mourning.

Washington has never called about implementing these great ideas.  If you’re chummy with any of our elected officials, pass this on, OK?

If you do the crime, you pay the fine.

What’s wrong with America is some of y’all need to be paying more taxes.

Taxes raise money, sure, but the government also uses them to change our behavior.  We are encouraged to do some things (buy houses and windmills) and not do others (smoke, drink and drive cars).

I’ve come up with a comprehensive tax plan that expands on that idea.  It will bring in much needed cash, and encourage everyone to follow the “right” path.

Here’s a partial list of my proposed taxes:

Individuals

  • Me No Like-y Tax:  Each time the word “like” is used, except to express a preference, or to compare things, it will be taxed.  Tax collectors will be stationed in junior highs, high schools and malls on a Saturday afternoon.
  • Scanties Tax:  This fine is imposed each time we are forced to look at someone’s underwear because his or her pants are too low.  It is waived if the person is a professional underwear model. The fine will be doubled if the low pants reveal an area that SHOULD be underwear-clad, but isn’t – the BCC addendum (butt-crack cleavage).
  • Tortoise Tax:  This is levied against anyone driving more than 5 miles below the speed limit.  Tax doubled if it is rush hour, if there is only one lane available, or if the offender is hanging out in the passing lane.

Businesses

  • Murdering the King’s English Tax:  Imposed on businesses that deliberately misspell, misuse and generally slaughter the English language.  This will be levied for:
    • Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez
    • Adding “e” to words to make them looke olde
    • Substituting “k” for “c” to kompel kute alliteration
  • Nobody’s Home Tax:  Imposed on businesses that use computer telephone answering systems without the option to press zero to reach a human.  The tax is doubled if the phone recording is set for “folksy” and says things like “OK, let me look that up for you.”  Nobody is looking anything up.  Don’t you think we get that this is a computer?
  • Green Is The Color Of Money Tax:  Fines are levied on companies for changing the packaging or advertising on the same old stuff, solely to jump on the “green” bandwagon.  A corresponding tax will also be levied on the consumer who buys stuff to give the appearance of caring for the environment, without having to do any heavy lifting.

I was thinking of a flat 10 cents tax per infraction, but we can work out the details later.  I welcome input as we get the dialogue going.

I welcome constructive input, that is.  Some critics have said this is nothing more than a scheme to punish people who do things that bother me.  To these cynics I say; let me introduce you to the Smart Ass Tax.

That will be 10 cents each, please.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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69 Responses to Some of Y’all Need To Pay More Taxes

  1. AthenaC says:

    Just think – even at $0.10 per infraction, we would raise enough money to have a single-payer healthcare system with all the bells and whistles AND state-of-the-art military equipment! We wouldn’t have to choose one or the other!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 10 cents?? Clearly you don’t live in the country of ‘Tax the tax’ programs…with that out of the way, there’s enough offenders (or tax generators) that you’d be able to pay off the military budget in about 6 months with these little ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad you re-posted this since I missed it the first time around. I think we could pay for fixing our crumbling infrastructure with the Me No Like-y Tax alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Elyse says:

    Brilliant, Peg. But I think I said that last time around. Oh damn, now I have to pay the Smart Ass Tax, don’t I.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. in Canada we still have until the end of the month to file, so maybe we could get a bill passed in time (you do not know how funny that is!)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Al says:

    10 cents per smart ass comment? You do realize this will seriously deplete the Hood fortune, don’t you? If you don’t care about me, please think of my sweet kids, you know, the ones who call me every day to see if I’ve died yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ha, I love these. Now, can you come up with a tax for those folks on Twitter who send out promotional DMs the second you follow them back? That would be swell.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I will get right on that…as soon as you explain what the heck a promotional DM is.

      Like

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Haha, DMs are Direct Messages. Direct messages are nice when you want to send someone a tweet no well else can see. They’re private. But some authors and companies use them to promote their books and products. For example, as soon as you follow them back, a direct message automatically comes for you pushing their book or product. Certain apps let them send these automatically. It really annoys people, and yet they still do it.

        Like

  8. Loved it then. Love it now! 🙂

    Like

  9. Pingback: Can We Call Pope Francis Uh-Mazing? Apparently Only Halfway… | dmswriter

  10. franhunne4u says:

    Nooo:
    “Using dumbed-down synonyms like: lite, rite, hunny, nu, ez” That would kill my Guardian-pen-name …

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Go Jules Go says:

    Did you know that if you get a tax return, they TAX IT the following year? They’ve been doing this double-dipping nonsense for at least two years now, and I still CAN’T. EVEN.

    Like

  12. Peg for president!!
    I heartily endorse your whole tax code.
    From your mouth to God’s ear, especially the pants, and English usage.

    Like

  13. jan says:

    Scanties tax!! Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. rgemom says:

    This. Is. Awesome. (Do I get taxed for incomplete sentences and excessive use of periods?)

    Liked by 1 person

  15. M.Winter says:

    The day Uncle Sam runs laughing all the way to the bank!

    Like

  16. dorannrule says:

    LOL! Good one. I can see why you were Freshly Pressed! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. List of X says:

    That doesn’t seem fair that there is a smartass tax, but no dumbass tax. But then again, it’s a tax system, it’s not supposed to be fair.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. macmsue says:

    Love it!….. is there a tax on unnecessary punctuation????

    Like

  19. Jennifer says:

    Priceless. Reading this right on the heels of a conversation between two professionals in which the word “like” was used at least 10 times by one of them. I wish I’d known I needed to collect that dollar! 🙂

    Like

  20. PiedType says:

    WordPress got it right. This certainly deserved to be Freshly Pressed. Glad you ran it again because I’d not seen it before. Funny!

    Like

  21. Oh, this is a great one! How about a tax for every selfie you take. LOL. 🙂

    Like

  22. Just from Kim Kardashian alone!!!

    Like

  23. I’m eternally grateful Peg for your idea on “Murdering the King’s English Tax” that it apply to businesses only. Otherwise I’d probably have to file for an extension.

    Like

  24. kitchenmudge says:

    The “like” tax alone would probably wipe out the federal debt in about a week, but if it’s not enough, try a tax on using “so” for “very”, or ending sentences with “so”.

    Like

  25. pattisj says:

    Nobody’s home tax–that should close the budget deficit.

    Like

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