My husband has become one of Them. They’re taking over.
I keep trying to tell people, but they won’t listen.
“You’re paranoid.” they say.
“That’s crazy talk.” they say.
Oh sure, it seemed innocent enough at first. The iPod was great – who wouldn’t want to make their own music play lists? Soon, everybody had one. Then came the iPhones, then the iPads, then upgrades without end. They infiltrated our lives so slowly that nobody noticed they were taking over.
Those who have already been transformed are the biggest threat.
It’s hard to tell iPod People from normal people, except for their total lack of emotion about anything but apps and future upgrades. They wear a perpetually glazed-over look until the subject swings round to the latest iGizmo. Then they come to life, eyes firing with the religious fervor of a tent-revival preacher.
Ever since my 2-year contract with Verizon came up, they’ve been after me in dead earnest; the phone calls, the emails, the relentless barrage of ads. I already have a “smart” phone, but it’s a 2-year-old Android. It’s not the latest thing. It’s not an iPhone.
When one of the iPod People catches sight of my old phone, it is like waving a red cape before a bull.
They almost got me last week at a party. I thought this man was a friend, but he pinned me down and proceeded to explain every, single, mother-loving enhancement coming in the iPhone 6. Foam flecked the corners of his mouth. I created a diversion by pointing at someone across the room, saying, “Look, he got the iPhone 6 early!” I was able to slip away when he charged at the guy, knocking people aside to get to his quarry. I barely escaped with my life.
They’ve already got my husband, Bill. He doesn’t look any different, but a wife knows. He is an empty shell of the man he used to be. His body still sits on the couch in our living room, but his spirit is fully taken over by the pursuit and mastery of new iPhone apps.
I’m afraid to go down to the basement – afraid my iPod is growing down there, just waiting to take me over. I’ll hold out as long as I can, but I’m getting tired. So tired.
What’s that you say? It can’t happen to you? Oh, you naïve fool, don’t you know? They’re already here.