Goldilocks And The Fruit-Of-The-Loom 100% Cotton Hipsters

goldilockshipsters2

I had a great weekend.  I spent my time on “want-tos” and didn’t do any “have-tos,” like laundry.  Monday has come all too soon.  When I went to get dressed this morning, a glance at my underwear drawer revealed a most unwelcome surprise: I’m down to my EBUs.

EBU = Emergency Backup Underwear.

A man’s choices for under-garments is pretty straightforward: boxers or briefs (except when they “go commando,” a situation I would rather know nothing about.)  Women have a dizzying selection from which to choose; briefs, thigh-cut, boy-cut, hipsters, granny panties, thongs and bikinis in satin, silk, cotton…the list goes on and on.  Some styles are too uncomfortable for daily use and some are too old-ladyish.  Like Goldilocks searching for the perfect bowl of porridge, a woman has to sample a lot of underwear before she finds the style that is JUST right.

We don’t get rid of the rejects; they’re just shoved to the bottom of the underwear drawer.  There they act as insurance against a day like today; a day all the preferred panties are in the wash.

My usual style is an all-cotton brief.  That may be TMI (that means “too much information,” Mom) but you need background to appreciate how dreadful the choices were that met my eyes this morning.

1) Thong.  I bought this after my 24-year-old daughter extolled the virtues of having no visible panty lines.  I should have remembered that when we’re talking about a 54-year-old derriere, there are much worse things to have visible than panty lines.  The more layers there are between this back-end and public view, the better for all of us.

I wore the thong only once.  One day spent surreptitiously picking at a dental floss wedgie was more than enough to convince me this was not the style for me.

 2) Valentine panties.  This Valentine’s Day present was a hoot when I unwrapped it, thanks to the same microchip technology used in talking birthday cards.  The black lace and big, pink, satin heart make them extremely uncomfortable to actually wear.  I’d still wear them, however, if it wasn’t for my fear that every time I crossed my legs I would treat the office to a chorus of “Let’s Get It On” blaring forth from my crotch region.

 3) Spanx.  These fall more into the category of “special occasion” than “rejects.”  Still, you have to think carefully before choosing to wear Spanx for an entire day.  They definitely smooth the silhouette, but it’s almost impossible to get them on and off without help.  With Spanx, it takes a village.

 4) Past Their Primes.  These take up half my drawer space.  They are once-favorites that have seen better days.  They’ve been bleached so often the only remnant of their formerly vibrant colors can be found around the edges of the unraveling waistband.  They either have big rips or the leg-holes are so stretched out they flap about the thighs like flags in a breeze.

I’m not going to say which EBU I went with today.  Suffice it to say that laundry will be the first order of business when I get home tonight.  Gotta go now.  With all the coffee I’ve been drinking, I’m going to need a potty break soon and I have to assemble my team.

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About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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96 Responses to Goldilocks And The Fruit-Of-The-Loom 100% Cotton Hipsters

  1. Before I got sick, I absolutely loved my thongs. Now my body tells me what it wants, and it is all about comfort. Great piece, Peggy! I’ve been reading along – but this is the first time I’ve been up to commenting. I’ll take that as a sign of healing.

    Oh – a d get rid of those PTP’s. You deserve some pretty, new undies.

    Like

  2. “Let’s Get It On” blaring forth from my crotch region.”

    Oh my my my! haha! This was priceless, Pego-fruit-of-the-loom-o.

    This year I finally emptied my sad underwear drawer (I hadn’t poked around the deepest darkest corners in years) and promptly threw out all the dental floss. At my age, what’s the point? At any age, what’s the point?! I even gave a few of the granny panties to my husband so he’d have something to wash the car with. (confession: I didn’t really because I wear granny panties every day, the roomier, the better I always say…I only wish I had kept my maternity underwear)

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      “maternity underwear” – ha! You’re right, Darlgrannyac – sooooo comfy.

      Mine are JUST an inch shorter than granny, and only because I’m short-waisted. I’m afraid to empty my underwear drawer. What will I wear on these “nothing else is clean” days?

      Like

    • Spectra says:

      This was so funny….especially since I just recently hit the very bottom of my underwear basket and couldn’t even identify what was down there. I am not certain they fall into any of your categories. They might be bathing suit bottoms from a long-lost or separated suit. Sad really.

      Like

      • pegoleg says:

        I have one of those bathing suit bottoms. It’s yellowed and the elastic has gone crunchy – you know what I mean. It’s very sad that we’re still holding on to these because…because…???

        Like

  3. Marcia says:

    I have a package of those Fruit of the Loom cotton hipsters and agree they are the perfect fit. My hubby doesn’t like them; he prefers a silkier touch. lol I save those hipsters for times he is away and for trips to the hospital. Thankfully the hospital has been a much more rare occasion.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Gee, you are an accommodating wife. I don’t think it occurred to me to ask the hubster what he prefers. “trips to the hospital” – I can never forget that great advice about making sure the undies are clean JUST in case.

      Like

  4. Peg, the image of you or any woman sitting at work with, “Let’s Get It On” blaring from the crotch area is exactly what I needed to motivate me to get up and do laundry! I’m loving the grammy hi-rise ones since I turned 50. LOL.

    Like

  5. Mary K. says:

    Peg, who knew you had such choices in the underwear drawer! I’m guessing the spandex was the winner of the pantie war. Enjoy that village thing=I’m guessing you won’t be going to the bathroom today.No coffee for you-boohoo. Interesting topic. Have a great day. MK

    Like

  6. lisaspiral says:

    I have decided that when I have to resort to those PTP’s the rule is I can wear them but then they go into the garbage rather than the laundry (again). Doesn’t always work, but it can motivate a trip to Target rather than the laundry. 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I have the same rule, except I cut them up for rags. The thing is I wash them before I put them in the rag-bag. Then when they get out of the dryer, they just get lumped in with the rest of the good ones, and back in the drawer they go!

      Like

  7. I must admit I love boy cut, just think they are wonderfully comfortable and they fill my drawer with color (no music though). Spanx, love these too for many reasons but like you, that entire village is a difficult proposition.

    I am thinking someone sometime soon should come up with Spanx in boy cut then I will be happy.

    Like

  8. i still have underwear in my drawer that i was ‘saving’ from my honeymoon 17 years ago!

    Like

  9. I was kind of hoping you went with boxers. I mean, I wasn’t that heavily invested in your choice, but I do think you could rock boxers. I mean that in a good way. Really.

    This is a serious debate in my world right now: is Spanx really revolutionary, or is it just the new millennium word for girdle or corset?

    Like

  10. Averyanne says:

    Once again, Peg, you started my week with a good belly laugh! Oh, the fact that we 50-somethings can all too easily relate to your covering tale of tail coverings, is a sad commentary. I, like the others who have posted, go for comfort and practicality! Actually, I was that way in my 20-somethings! Why have sexy underwear? It’s either on, or…..it’s OFF! Thanks for sharing your oh-so-witty and clever self with us.

    Like

  11. Still cracking up at ‘Let’s Get It On’ blasting from your undies!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Actually, now I’m wondering if there ARE such panties using that technology? Probably, but just in case I made it up, I’d better get a trademark on the idea for the Peg-Co Catalog.

      Like

  12. susielindau says:

    Hahaha! I have a pair of EBU’s on right now. They are old Hanes bikinis. Laundry day for me too!

    Like

  13. Go Jules Go says:

    This post really struck a chord with me. Is that Marvin Gaye I hear…?

    I discovered the importance of just the right granny panties whilst hiking. Full coverage, but no extra room. There is nothing worse than a mid-walk wedgie.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      True dat, Jules. I don’t know how many times I’ve been trying to quickly unhook a mid-treadmill wedgie, knowing that the entire back row of machines is watching the activity.

      Like

  14. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    This was hilarious, Peg! I’m glad you broached this delicate(s) subject. The thong – what craziness spawned that horrific idea? Recently my mom, who weighs 11 pounds, gave me a pair of her granny undies because they’re too big on her. How humiliating.

    They are so comfortable.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Hahaha! I can just see you donning your hand-me-down-granny-panties-of-comfort with a look of guilty shame. I thought at first you were going to say your mom decided to go with thongs now – yikes!

      Like

  15. bigsheepcommunications says:

    I’m partial to the Hanes hipsters and prefer my crotch to be silent at all times.

    Like

  16. ginweb.1@juno.com says:

    Bet I know what you will get for Christmas…………

    Like

  17. Carrie Rubin says:

    “I should have remembered that when we’re talking about a 54-year-old derriere, there are much worse things to have visible than panty lines.”—Great line! So funny, this post. And now I’m thinking my underwear is woefully inadequate. Really not much variety at all…

    Like

  18. You have revealed the secret of the underwear drawer to men everywhere. They are all now cowering in a corner. Hopefully, next time they get the bright idea of entering a Victoria Secret store they will think of this post and cross to the other side of the mall.

    Like

  19. Oh how I miss those days of the week underpants from when I was a kid. Then there was no confusion…unless I wore Mondays on a Wednesday.

    Like

  20. notquiteold says:

    I like my old lady underpants. But they are a little incongruous with skinny jeans.

    Like

  21. One thing I’ve noticed while ‘folding’ laundry is how many different types of SOCKS ‘the ladies’ have. I lost count at some point, but I’m pretty sure my wife owns one BILLION socks. And EACH ONE is different. Just so you have to dump them all out onto the bed and spend an hour trying to identify the closest match. It’s wrong, I tells ya! Wrong! 🙂

    Like

  22. Elyse says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one with that assortment of underwear. My drawer is so full that I can hardly get my drawers out!

    Like

  23. Sandy Sue says:

    A friend of mine says there’s a Spanx version of a bra now–sort of a big rubber band that also takes a village to get into/out of. I’m not sure of it’s purpose, though, unless you’re auditioning for Romeo at the Community Theater. Oh, underwear, where art thou?

    Like

  24. Ah the drawer full of drawers. Fun read, Pego, if not a bit sad that I can relate!
    Have a fabulous day. The warmer weather is supposed to leave us after tomorrow. 😦

    Like

  25. I’m the designated laundry-doer in our household. As such, and people should really read the household chores fine print, I am the “this underwear/pair of socks has had it” tsar. I’m tough but fair.

    Like

  26. Pleun says:

    All this moving around has definitely gotten rid of my EBUs, although if I had one of those Let’s get it on panties… That image is priceless and will get me through the day giggling 🙂

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      That’s the one benefit of moving – it forces you to go through your stuff and get rid of all the extra junk. I was going to go through my clothes last weekend, but I decided to play instead. Maybe when the weather gets cold and there’s nothing else to do. Maybe.

      Like

  27. mistyslaws says:

    I just bought a whole butt load of the exact same type of underwear that I like so I always have plenty. Plus, I do laundry every Sunday like clockwork, so I never have to dig into “that” drawer. Shudder. I think I still have sexy lace lingerie teddies in there. Might have to burn the whole thing!

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      “a butt load” – ha ha! You kill me, Misty. You are a human laundrobot, eh? I don’t like to be tied down that way. I do the wash when I WANT to. Or when I’m reduced to wrapping the sheet off the bed around me to avoid getting arrested for indecent exposure, whichever comes first.

      Like

  28. Blogdramedy says:

    I have a pair of boyshorts I like. Whenever I put them on, the Mister cues up “Finding Nemo.”

    Like

  29. PinotNinja says:

    You have to assemble your team?! You had to Spanx it up today? ON A MONDAY. If that’s not enough to make a girl do laundry, then I don’t know what is.

    On the Spanx front, while its still not a comfort experience, I’ve started rocking the Spanx tanks when I need so mid-section sucking in. They are way better than the panty versions, which is like saying a lethal injection is better than a firing squad.

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      Ha! I like the lethal injection vs firing squad analogy. I bought one of those tanks and am seriously considering wearing it. You’re inspiring me to give it a try. I’m getting disgusted with my current, “Do you know the muffin-man?” mid-section.

      Like

  30. Laura says:

    Over the years I’ve gotten more and more aggressive about getting rid of my past-their-primes. I do, however, have an impressive collection of underwear that’s not quite the right size.

    Like

  31. My wife pretty much follows the keep every pair philosophy, except when it comes to anything too sexy which I may have bought her on some occasion; those she throws away as soon as she can get away with it. I’m guessing she feels there’s some sort of preconceived notion on my part that her wearing a pair of the sexy ones means something. I’d describe my personal preferences for underwear, but I don’t want to go there – not even in the comments section.

    Like

  32. Haha, what a funny post! The Valentine one in particular made me laugh. Most of mine aren’t too bad, I do go for comfort, but they have to be pretty too. I feel more confident about my appearance overall if I know I’m wearing nice underwear underneath. I made a decision a while ago to throw away any that are past their best, as soon as they become that way. I have a few “last resort” pairs, but mostly they are last resort because I don’t have a matching bra, and not because they are inherently awful (when I say “matching” bra, I mean generally the same colour, not necessarily a matching set, I’m not THAT particular).

    Like

  33. I hope it was the V-Day pair. I wish someone who would wear those to my work.

    Like

  34. I’m thinking that when it comes to underwear, a village shouldn’t need to be assembled.

    Like

  35. Lisa says:

    Just found your blog recently. It’s hilarious! This post caught my eye, because my daughter and I had just had a lengthy discussion resulting in the purchase of FOL cotton hipsters… which didn’t even fit. Back to the drawing board. 😉

    Like

  36. Aussa Lorens says:

    I love that you own a thong. You clearly value your 24-year old daughter’s opinion. Way to be.

    Like

  37. Valerie says:

    I wish I knew what was the proper protocol was for panties that are past their prime. I mean, do I just throw them away for the seagulls to wear? Do I burn them in a hobo fire bucket? Do I bury them in a shallow grave or float them in a basket down the river?!

    I think I’ll go with the basket option… Because its better than dead kittens.

    You’re welcome, children of the river… You’re welcome…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I just cut them up for cleaning rags. Your solutions are ALL way more elegant.

      Like

      • Spectra says:

        I’m impressed that there is enough fibrous substance left to your undies to even serve a second household career as a rag. By the time my skivvies are done serving me, they no longer can scientifically be categorized as fabric. Or, they’ve just gone AWOL. I search for signs of their existence and find only a snapped elastic band, remnants of the renegade briefs that snapped loose to their inexplicable freedom somewhere. Maybe down on Underwear Row. That’s one block over from Skid Row.

        Like

  38. Brilliant! I laughed so hard that my undergarment of choice required changing. Lucky they are disposables. I tried wearing a thong once but we had to send in a team to retrieve it. I’ve kept those search and rescue boys on speed dial for Spanx days. They never pick up my calls…I don’t know why…

    Like

    • pegoleg says:

      I have yet to resort to the disposables, but I foresee a day in the not-to-distant future when that will be my go-to choice. Just for days when the sexy stuff is unavailable, of course.

      Like

  39. Al says:

    Don’t know how I missed this post. I will give myself 50 lashes with a spiked strap immediately after posting this.

    As for the blog content, propriety (and the fear of being singled out by the NSA as an internet pervert) precludes me from saying much more than….my experience with women’s underpinnings lies mainly with removing these articles. I’ll take your word on rest of it.

    Like

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