I had a great weekend. I spent my time on “want-tos” and didn’t do any “have-tos,” like laundry. Monday has come all too soon. When I went to get dressed this morning, a glance at my underwear drawer revealed a most unwelcome surprise: I’m down to my EBUs.
EBU = Emergency Backup Underwear.
A man’s choices for under-garments is pretty straightforward: boxers or briefs (except when they “go commando,” a situation I would rather know nothing about.) Women have a dizzying selection from which to choose; briefs, thigh-cut, boy-cut, hipsters, granny panties, thongs and bikinis in satin, silk, cotton…the list goes on and on. Some styles are too uncomfortable for daily use and some are too old-ladyish. Like Goldilocks searching for the perfect bowl of porridge, a woman has to sample a lot of underwear before she finds the style that is JUST right.
We don’t get rid of the rejects; they’re just shoved to the bottom of the underwear drawer. There they act as insurance against a day like today; a day all the preferred panties are in the wash.
My usual style is an all-cotton brief. That may be TMI (that means “too much information,” Mom) but you need background to appreciate how dreadful the choices were that met my eyes this morning.
1) Thong. I bought this after my 24-year-old daughter extolled the virtues of having no visible panty lines. I should have remembered that when we’re talking about a 54-year-old derriere, there are much worse things to have visible than panty lines. The more layers there are between this back-end and public view, the better for all of us.
I wore the thong only once. One day spent surreptitiously picking at a dental floss wedgie was more than enough to convince me this was not the style for me.
2) Valentine panties. This Valentine’s Day present was a hoot when I unwrapped it, thanks to the same microchip technology used in talking birthday cards. The black lace and big, pink, satin heart make them extremely uncomfortable to actually wear. I’d still wear them, however, if it wasn’t for my fear that every time I crossed my legs I would treat the office to a chorus of “Let’s Get It On” blaring forth from my crotch region.
3) Spanx. These fall more into the category of “special occasion” than “rejects.” Still, you have to think carefully before choosing to wear Spanx for an entire day. They definitely smooth the silhouette, but it’s almost impossible to get them on and off without help. With Spanx, it takes a village.
4) Past Their Primes. These take up half my drawer space. They are once-favorites that have seen better days. They’ve been bleached so often the only remnant of their formerly vibrant colors can be found around the edges of the unraveling waistband. They either have big rips or the leg-holes are so stretched out they flap about the thighs like flags in a breeze.
I’m not going to say which EBU I went with today. Suffice it to say that laundry will be the first order of business when I get home tonight. Gotta go now. With all the coffee I’ve been drinking, I’m going to need a potty break soon and I have to assemble my team.