What do 4-for-$1 Cadbury Crème Eggs and an up-thrust of daffodils have in common? Both are important clues that may help me to finally understand…myself.
I’ve been feeling a little blue lately.
By a little blue I mean sad. Very sad. Bleak. And by lately I mean for about 6 months. Don’t worry; it hasn’t reached the level of hide-the-knives sadness. But I’ve come closer to understanding how someone could choose the cutlery route than I have ever done before; closer than I ever want to be again.
I hit rock bottom (I hope) two days ago.
Tuesday night I went to the Y and worked out half-heartedly. I’ve been going consistently, but tell myself “So what if some weeks I only go twice? At least I’m making the effort.” On my way home I stopped at the drug store to get a few things.
I picked up some shampoo, shopped for birthday cards, and used a coupon I had for Charmin. Then I somehow found myself in the clearance Easter candy aisle.
“Somehow?”
Like hell.
That was my goal all along.
Fat people try to disguise what they eat. Like a teenage boy loading up his basket to camouflage the pack of Trojans that is his REAL goal, they bury junk food under a mountain of stuff that “normal” people buy.
When I see other fatties going into a grocery store, Dollar store, anywhere that sells food, I figure they’re going for their fix. My sister-in-law, Jane, has been saying for years that sugar addiction is very real and she’s right. Because I’m hooked. Because that is me sneaking in to get a sugar fix.
I loaded up on discount chocolate and jelly-beans and went home and ate that crap until I felt sick. I have regained 25 pounds of the 63 I lost so joyfully, so smugly, so publicly, and I feel miserable.
Regaining weight is even worse than never losing, because it reinforces the feeling that you don’t deserve to be thin. That you don’t deserve to be happy. You eat and eat and the weight wraps around you like cotton batting, protecting you from a world that is not quite what you envisioned it would be, lo those many, many years ago when you were planning your golden future. You eat to feel better, then you gain weight and feel worse. Then eat to feel better and so on, and so on.
It’s the Circle of Life…except crappy.
I know that weight gain is a symptom of my unhappiness more than the cause. But it makes absolutely no sense to continue doing something that is making me miserable and I do NOT want to do it anymore.
I don’t want to be that sad, fat person. I want to be healthy.
Sitting, crying among a pile of Easter candy wrappers, I decided it’s time to get back on track. It was shaky, but this looked more like resolve than anything I’ve seen in a long, long time.
Yesterday was the first time in ages I didn’t go out for fatty, fried foods or gorge myself on sweets. I didn’t exactly embrace the treadmill with joie de vivre, but I got through it.
This morning I wore my winter coat to work, burrowing into it against a brisk, 30-degree wind in my face as I walked from the car.
I stayed in the office all day, had yogurt and an apple at my desk for lunch and repeated my mantra; “it’s time to get healthy.” My delivery was eerily like the guy in the Dunkin Donuts commercial who used to chant, “It’s time to make the donuts.” At 5 o’clock I changed into my sweats and trudged to the front door, uninspired but determined to go to the Y. I locked the door and turned around to discover….SPRING!
It was 61 degrees outside. The sun was shining, the robins were chirping and people were walking around in t-shirts. It was like that scene in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy opens the door in Munchkin-land, right into to the first, color movie. Spring had sprung forth in 8 hours while I had my nose to the grindstone.
YMCA? Screw that. I hopped in the car and, with a squeal of tires, headed for a walk on the towpath, our little bit of country in the city.
I know that I get a special lift from walking, from nature, from throwing the two together with a little dash of sunshine. That’s been true for me, if not for my whole life, then for a long time. I don’t think I fully appreciated how necessary this is to me until today.
I could feel a weight on my soul lightening as I walked quickly, breathing the crisp air, watching the birds, and seeing the daffodils pushing up through dormant grass. It occurs to me that perhaps it’s not just sadness that I feel, but SADness – Seasonal Affective Disorder. A real, tangible cause with a very real effect, at least for me.
Don’t get me wrong – I know that losing a few pounds and taking a little walk in the sunshine will not solve all my problems. But for me, it really, really helps.
I had a fluffy little blog post all set to post automatically on Friday morning, but I rushed back from my walk determined to get this down right now. It’s almost 9 and I haven’t even eaten dinner! I guess when the light bulb finally goes off, it’s more important to try to share a little of that illumination with others who are struggling with the darkness.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, maybe this information from the Mayo Clinic can help.
PS. I was listening to Seal and Chicago on my iPod as I walked and pondered. I didn’t have it on shuffle, but as I finished the return part of the walk, it unexpectedly switched to “Roundabout” by Yes, my favorite. I could feel a huge smile spread across my face and, as I strode into the setting sun, a sweet-smelling breeze in my hair, it occurred to me that I looked just like a commercial for prescription depression medicine.
All that was missing was the obligatory voice-over listing the drug’s possible, horrible side-affects, like getting dead.
Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings 
Oh, you are definitely to be congratulated for pulling yourself up and out of that funk. You Go Girl! And you are inspiring me too.
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It’s too early for congratulations. I’m hoping putting this out there will encourage me to stay faithful.
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Oh, I’m there with you, Peg. I managed through Christmas, and before that Halloween. But Easter peeps killed me.
Onward and downward. That’s the way.
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“onward & downward” – ha! Exactly. And you can have the peeps, unless they’re chocolate-covered.
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I have some Reeses upstairs you can have those! I hate Reeses.
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I LOVE Reeses so….no thank you.
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That, my friend, is the road to recovery …
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Good luck on your new determination. I understand totally – I have been dieting or not my entire adult life. And the weather definitely influences us. Wishing you success.
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Thanks so much. Life is too short to diet all the time, on the other hand, it’s even shorter if you don’t!
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I’m so happy that you figured out the low point and got yourself out there again. I find that a walk in the sun, no matter how chilly the wind/air is so much better exercise than hitting the gym. The natural endorphins kick in. And they are so much better for the soul! I have my food demons as well, and some days, god dammit it’s hard to resist. But healthy is the way, and a happy soul. Keep it up. 🙂
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I think you know something that I’m just fully discovering – the “natural” endorphins are key, at least for some of us. Thanks for the good thoughts!
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Not a problem at all. Sck them all in and keep up those good thoughts, and you know that Te good weather is my going to continue for you now. Plenty of natural endorphins
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Hang in there Peg!
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Thanks Emily.
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I get really affected by those long, dark, cold winters. I used to take a trip to the solarium (sunbed?) place every now and again and that seemed to help… Nothing like the real thing though! Enjoy your walks, may the sun be shining lots!
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That’s a really good suggestion. I do nothing but burn, but maybe, once in a while, it would do more good than harm.
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Right there with ya, Peg. I don’t have SAD (well, technically I have no idea whether I do or not, because I live in LA and never experience “winter”) but with pretty much all the rest of it. I split my time between being “in the zone”, eating healthfully and exercising regularly, and eating junk and being almost completely sedentary. I’m trying to find a balance.
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Boy can I relate. It seems to be feast or famine for me, literally. You said it – we need to find a balance.
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I’m glad you’re listening to great music AND seeing the sun …two great ingredients to add to the olio of eating healthy and walking..You’re going to do this, with the awesome mojo you’ve always had.
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I forgot to list the music as part of the “cure”, but you’re so right. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
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Goodness, so many of us are struggling with food right now. I think you’ve hit on the cure–moving in the sunshine, soaking up that spring light and warmth in big, gulping doses. Don’t give up, girlfriend.
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“soaking up the sun in big, gulping doses”. Love your imagery, Sandy. You, too, with the pep talk. We CAN do this.
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oh, I have definitely been in this seasonal funk too….and I’m so glad you are out of it! One of the things people forget to tell you when you lose weight is what to do when you get there! I lost about 20 about 4 years ago and it took me a few years to figure out the maintaining part and one of the most important learnings is to do what you did–replace any need to eat unnecessarily w/exercise. Enjoy the sunshine!
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Good for you for maintaining – whoo hoo! I have to admit, as a fattie/recovering fattie, I used to scoff at 20 pounds as nothing. But I’ve noticed a definite difference on the treadmill – that’s a big burden on the heart. I’m hoping to emulate you and find ways to keep it off!
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Food is such a difficult thing to deal with when you have issues with it isn’t it, because it’s something that you have to have to survive. It’s not like giving up other addictions where you don’t need them at all and so you can go completely cold turkey – I’m not saying it’s easy to give up other addictions but just that food is so different because you can’t give it up altogether. I know when I gave up smoking (both times!), that awful feeling that you’re depriving yourself – if I relate that to food issues, it would be like someone saying to me “Well you can’t smoke these cigarettes anymore, but you must still smoke some, and these ones that you must smoke won’t be anywhere near as nice as the ones you have to give up, but they will remind you of the really nice ones.” I might be rambling a bit incoherently here, but I’m sure you get the point! As you say though, food is probably a symptom of everything for you rather than the cause, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Glad you’re hopefully on the way up now though!
And for my next essay…
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You’re not rambling, Vanessa-Jane, you’re so right. THAT’s the worst thing about food addictions right there. I used to smoke 2 packs a day and yeah, it was tough to give up, and yeah, now I know I can’t even bum one off of someone because I’ll start up again – I’ve done that before. But I COULD quit cold turkey.
You can’t give up food. You have to choose wisely every, single, mother-lovin’ time you put something in your mouth. You nailed it right on the head.
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Ugh. Sweets get me every. single. time. More specifically I get them… in bulk. I’m glad you wrote this post, lady. I’ve gained back some weight that I worked really hard to lose and you perfectly described that icky feeling. So glad you’re getting back to healthy… and maybe I will just have to join you 🙂
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I have to remind myself that everybody has their comfortable body weight and, 5 pounds or 50, if it makes YOU feel bad, it’s something that should be addressed. Let’s get rid of those icky feelings, shall we?
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I could have written this post, Peg. I just took my first long walk yesterday after being cooped up inside for months and it was heavenly! I walked through fields, felt the warm sun, heard the birds chirping–it was like I had discovered a new world.
The way you described it was exactly how I felt. Like I was lifted out of a funk. I’m not sure I have SAD, but I wouldn’t be surprised as I do struggle to get through the long, dark winters here (and I always reach for the chocolate to pick myself up)
Keep on keepin’ on, Peg, you can do this (and so can I!)
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I’m not sure if I do either, Darla. That’s probably something that would require an expert diagnosis. Maybe it’s enough to understand how strongly this affects me, though, so I can do something about it.
We CAN do it! But is it OK if, instead of keep on keepin’ on, if I keep on truckin’? That phrase was really big in my 20s.
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Oh, Peg…..here we go again….both of us! I have been in a downward sugar spiral since late Novebember. Sugar is my crack, and I literally get the shakes thinking about it, until I get my fix. Thanks for this post. Good luck to you, and me, and the rest of us who are held hostage by our cravings.
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You’ve been on a binge, too? Just because you stay slim, I sometimes forget this affects you, too. I didn’t even want to go to dinner when you came to town last week, because I didn’t want you to notice that I’d gained weight. Jeez.
You’re so right – I literally got the shakes the other night when I was contemplating the candy, just like a junkie. Good luck to you and me, indeed!
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I’m up 12-14…. Which is 2 sizes. The worst part for me is the control sugar has over me. Cunning, baffling and powerful.
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No more being sad. It’s a rule.
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And it’s a really good rule.
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I went to the clearance aisle yesterday too. The only reason I walked out without any was because those cheap bastards at Target put it for only 30% instead of 50% off. So instead I got cookies and Peanut Butter Captain Crunch. “for the kids”. HA! I believe myself to have the SAD also, figured it out a couple years ago. My key, I also learned, is exercise. Most days. Because it keeps the crazies away for me, that’s the only reason. I got an injury about 4 months ago that has really thrown me and I’m down to one or two days a week. . . you can ask my kids how that’s going for everyone. If you’re like me, the exercise is going to help your head more than anything else, especially if you can do it in the sunshine (take your D vitamins too). Hope you’re feeling better today.
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Maybe Target is only reducing the candy by 30% in an effort to save the sugar addicts? Nah – cheap bastards.
I have noticed that when I get out of the exercise routine for even a week it’s hard to get back into it. Hoping you’re feeling back up to par and working out more regularly right, damn quick.
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Been there, been there, been there, many times!
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It’s the “many” times that’s so disheartening, isn’t it?
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Yes, it took a long time, but I’m off the yo-yo ride. I’m gluten free, dairy free and 30 lbs. lighter.
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Good for you, Lisa. Whoo hoo!
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As you know it’s a constant struggle, Peg. And just think, you are down 38 pounds from when you first started losing weight!
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I keep telling myself that, John, but my self-loathing-self (?) only wants to focus on the 25 pounds gained part. Gotta focus – still ahead of the weight game.
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As you noted so eloquently, it’s not just the sugar; the SAD is very real and very difficult to overcome. I think it would be taken more seriously except for the fact that it is “fixed” every spring.
Not to trivialize anything you wrote about, but there’s one more thing you mentioned which really struck a chord with me. Seeing things on sale triggers some sort of “idiot” switch in me. Getting something for nothing or much less than the usual asking price often turns me into a mindless stooge. Some of my worst decisions have been made because of all the money I was saving.
Between SAD, a love of chocolate and big savings, you didn’t stand a chance in that aisle. It’s not fair to yourself to imply that you went to CVS for candy under the cover of purchasing toilet paper. That half-price shit will get you every time.
The promise of spring has arrived in its shining armor and sugar’s lost a little of its mojo now.
I tried to stop drinking alcohol on January 1st this year. I lasted a couple of months. What really struck me while on the wagon was how alcohol had entwined itself so thoroughly into my life. So many things were vastly improved with a beer, or a snort of tequila, or a single malt scotch. My favorite restaurants looked sadder without a bottle of wine on the table. I’m back to having a beverage now and then, and I’m trying to find that balance. Life keeps throwing me curve balls and disappointments and sometimes sitting with a glass in my hand lessens the severity of my disillusionment with it all, but in the morning, the problems are still there and compounded with a headache.
I think blogging has helped. I’ll keep on writing and reading, maybe it will lead to my development into a slightly better person or at least to my waking up with fewer headaches – so please continue to supply me with my fix of words. I’ll keep you posted on my struggles with mortality here in the realm of the mundane, and I’ll be rooting for you in your life as well.
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Thanks Dave. I’ve been drinking a lot more in the last few years than I ever did, but going from 4 glasses of wine per year to 4 glasses per week is probably still not a problem. I can take it or leave it, unlike sugar. I’m just glad I never really tried drugs – I’m sure I’d be hooked.
Good point about the blogging. We’ll both keep on keepin’ on, shall we?
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You got it sister!
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You are an inspiration! I have been going through much the same here for some time. Especially the weight gain after loosing 150 lbs. … also quite publicly. My biggest trigger was loosing my job and now I have sat through 2 years of SAD (among other things). I hate to say I have been embarrassed to go out in public because I don’t want people to know. Of course that just adds to the problem. Hopefully some of your honesty and inspiration will rub off on me.
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I so, so, SO know how you feel. To the people you see every day, the weight gain is gradual. To everybody else, the casual acquaintances who gratifyingly made such a big deal when you lost it all, the change will be a shock. You don’t want to go out because you don’t want to see that shock in their eyes. So we limit ourselves because people we DON’T even know or care about, might be disappointed in us? How crazy is that?
There was a guy on the treadmill in front of me at the Y a couple of days ago who is obese. I’ve seen him around town before, but never at the Y. I bet he didn’t want to go exercise because that seems to draw attention to being fat. News flash: we look just as fat when we’re waddling into the drug store for 1/2 price candy! I noticed his weight, alright, but noticed and applauded more his determination to finally do something about it.
Sorry for the novel, but if the sun is shining where you live, how about starting with just taking a walk?
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Actually that is exactly what I did last year about this time. It helped until I hurt my foot and then other stuff started to happen (lost our business, lost our home, etc.) I’ve just moved to a new area and was happy to discover a new place to walk (you will hear about it if I ever get the post finished) so I will try again.
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Self-diagnosis and self-treatment all in one. The psychologist’s union will not be happy with this. I’m sorry you have had a few bad months but if it helps, you have cheered up a good many others with your blog during that same time. And yes, spring has a way of bringing it all into perspective. And that SAD is real and it is sad.
Since my heart scare and Patty put me on that vegan diet, I not only feel better and am losing weight, but my outlook has improved. I’ve changed from a somber wise-ass to a gregarious wise-ass.
Keep up the good attitude but above all, don’t get dead.
Your pal, Al
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Do you really notice a difference in how you feel? I have, and I’ve had a hard time deciding if the low feelings are mental, because of feeling fat, or physical because of eating so much that is bad for me. I think it’s a combination.
You keep up with your heart-health, wise-assery and I’ll join you!
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Yes, I really do. And I believe it is 100% mental.
Please do join me. You know there’s no one I’d rather share spinach juice and wise-assery with.
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I’m right there with you on the wise-assery. Spinach juice? Not so much.
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This food-fat fight never.never.ends. I’d given up for the better part of this year. Finally made myself get on the scale this week. UGH….. I’ve got to do something. You did it before, you’ll get that number back down again. You still look hot, sista! And, it’s Friday! Do something fun foryourself. wish we lived closer! Hang in there!
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I just have to make sure “fun” doesn’t involve food. It doesn’t ever end, does it? That’s pretty depressing.
Have a great Friday yourself – enjoy the rest of your vacation!
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While I don’t discount SAD and other items (having been accused of having them myself) I sometimes ponder about the millenia our species spent craving fats and sugars in order to pack on the pounds to just barely survive the dark, cold cave through winter – – – I try to remember that during the changing seasons – that what I’m resisting is many, many years of evolutionary survival mechanisms – –
May not be true, but it helps me deal with the cravings in a more positive frame of mind and with less mind chatter regarding ‘willpower’ ‘proper nutrition’ ‘what the heck are you doing?!?” etc…
🙂 – A teaspoon of coconut oil in my morning tea tends to help, too…
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That is so true. I was thinking about that the other day. My body is just doing what it’s programmed to do – packing on the pounds to protect against cold and famine. If only there were saber-toothed tigers around to chase me, we’d have this blubber off in no time!
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Exactly! 🙂
Where are the rhinos when you need them?!?
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MAN can I relate to that Circle of Life. I’m so glad you shared this with us, Peg. I think a lot of us are affected by the seasons, but sometimes feel silly admitting it, or feel like we’re putting the blame on some outside force instead of taking a “good hard look at ourselves” (but really, we’re all WAY too hard on ourselves).
Now that it’s finally warming up, I feel my spirits lifting, too. Not that it’s kept me from a few post-Easter p.b. eggs…
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We all seem to do better with a little sunshine…and a few p.b. eggs.
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Getting back on the wagon is one of the hardest things to do. Be proud of yourself that you’re doing it and be kind to yourself. Keep up the good work!
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“getting back on the wagon” – that’s what it is, although most people don’t think of jelly-beans as drugs. Thanks for the support!
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There is really nothing more for me to add – your post was pitch perfect and a recipe for getting back on the horse. It’s been a long winter for many of us and I sense, from the posts I have read, that spring has saved one or two lives! I’m a mashed potatoes and dairy junky, so I come out of Easter relatively unscathed. We’ll talk at Thanksgiving, when I’m crying tears of butter.
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Thanks. Come Thanksgiving, I’ll be YOUR cheerleader – you can do it, Michelle! Just say no to mountains of mashed potatoes, smothered in butter. And hot, flaky dinner rolls with the same treatment. Not to mention vanilla ice cream, and…oops, sorry.
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Oh, Peg-o-Leg. I love the candy aisle, too. 🙂 My goal is to get back to riding my bicycles. Yes, plural. I have two very expensive bikes that I never ride anymore. I figure that if I force myself to at least ride my bike to the 7-11 for Slurpees and candy that I have earned them, RIGHT?? Wanna go with me? They have slot machines and booze in tiny bottles at my 7-11, too. We could work on our next drunktard story for Jules while we are there. hahaha I am certain that it won’t even have to be about us, either. The people watching at those places is pretty awesome.
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Ha ha! That sounds so reasonable – if you ride your bike to get junk food, you’ve DEFINITELY worked it off ahead of time. Yup. Makes sense to me.
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Did I fail to mention that the 7-11 is only two blocks away? Still counts in my book.
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Oh, er, yeah. I’m sure a 2 block ride is plenty long enough to work off countless slurpees, mini-booze bottles, Little Debbies and what-not.
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What a great post on so many levels. Yes, sugar and junk food can be ‘addicting.’ Food manufactures know this, and as such, they optimize their products (in fact it’s called ‘product optimization’) to yield just the right combination of fat, sugar, and salt that will make people want to eat more. Think about it–how often do people keep gorging themselves with baby carrots because they can’t stop eating them? Or broccoli? They don’t. But they can devour a bag of Doritos or M&Ms and still crave more. That’s why I’ll scream it from the roof tops until I’m dead and gone: The individual alone is not the only one to blame for this country’s weight problem.
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You are SO right on this, CR! My husband is the cook and we both need to lose some serious weight. I’m trying to convince him to get off the packaged “accessory” foods and eat more raw foods, but that’s not happening. I know, I have to start doing the cooking if we are truly going to get healthier. At this stage in life, health becomes more important even than looking hot, although I’d take that back again, too! 🙂
End of diatribe!
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“health becomes more important even than looking hot, although I’d take that back again, too!”—Hahaha. Wouldn’t we all? 🙂
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Yeah, I don’t think the health becomes more important than looking hot until we wind up in the hospital or dead, but maybe that’s just me.
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I just ate a peanut butter cup, rabbit cookie, and a chocolate covered graham cracker. I don’t even celebrate Easter. Good luck on your quest to get back down to where you were! You can do it. I am putting down my own piece of fudge now.
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How kind of you to reach out to Christians everywhere by adopting their holiday foods! 😉
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4 for $1 Creme Eggs? I only saw 2 for $1! What a ripoff!
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They were 2 for $1 on Monday, but the price dropped by Tuesday. They were also all gone by then, for what it’s worth.
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There is something special about time in the sun. There’s also something about knowing the down parts do end…eventually.
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That’s a good thing to remember – the down parts usually end. All we have to do is hang on and hope for the (sun)light at the end of the tunnel.
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Every day since Dec. 21st, the amount of daylight has gotten longer. Every day. Jan and Feb are the worst, but today sunrise was about 7:15ish AM and sunset will be close to 8:20 PM in Michigan. That’s over half of the day in daylight!
Add the lingering twilight we enjoy up here in the midwest and that adds to a longer day (after work) and a happier me. I think your post has hit a nerve in the bloggy world. Good job!
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You’re so right! The longer days make us feel a lot less like moles, who live their lives in the dark underground.
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Congrats on your walk in the sun; a simple experience, but utterly uplifting! SAD is a very real thing, so don’t be too tough on yourself. But please don’t skip lunch or dinner- I work in fitness & health- you need small regular meals, with more protein & less carbs- ENJOY your food, drink plenty of water, & try to walk 30 mins three times a week (I do it on Mon Weds Fri for example). Slow weight loss is the way, & I wish you all the best, all the way from Oz 🙂
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Good for you, Peg! I think that’s why spring taking it’s sweet time getting here is wearing on me. I need to get outside!
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I think I need to not wait for spring – just bundle up and get moving! Had another lovely walk this morning, but I still need to go to the Y for the weights. Let’s get moving!
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SAD is a killer, having lived in Seattle for many years I remember well the long dark days of winter. I couldn’t wait to come home to Texas.
Good for you, you are down 38! You have landed on part of the problem. You are re-focusing. It is hard, I am right there with you but believe in you.
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Thanks Valentine. I hear the pain and doubt in your posts sometimes – it seems to be something everyone goes through. I believe in you, too!
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Well, Peg. I’ve recently started climbing my way out of a nearly debilitating funk, as well…but I can’t blame SAD (or lack of sunshine) for that. I do know that after my concussion I stopped pretty much all physical activity (except that which is required in dragging my flabby ass to work and back)…I do miss those good feelings I would get from walking the 95 pound furbaby or water jogging at sunrise. Plus – and this is a big plus for me – I did a lot of my “thinking” during those activities – working out problems, thinking up blog ideas, remembering, planning, scheming, enjoying…just breathing. Watching the sun come up each day, while moving about in the outdoors, started my day with hope and I felt more connected to the world.
I had a scary visit at the cardiologist’s office yesterday and I am definitely ready…to get back in the game. Exercise is a definite mood elevator for me, as is the feeling of being in control of the eating (not that I experience it all that often). I am a lifetime dieter (even have my “Lifetime” card from Weight Watchers oh so many years ago). I have gained and lost a thousand pounds over the years (10 pounds 100 times – you do the math). Like many others, I am either completely disciplined – or completely out of control. No More.
I applaud your efforts and offer support and encouragement. Depression can be kicked to the curb – and it doesn’t always take pharmaceuticals. Taking the best care of yourself is the first step.
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I know you’ve been struggling, Katy. Good for you for taking the health bull by the horns. I’ve come the conclusion that some epissodic form of depression is part of the human condition. We just have to try to get through it and remember that tomorrow is a new day, with (maybe) something new and shiny for us. Take care of YOU!
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Oh Peg, I totally get you on the weight loss/weight gain trampoline, and how it makes you feel so miserable. Add frigid temps, darkness and lethargy, and you have the trifecta of depression. I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago for my wedding, then again after baby #1, and then I’ve pretty much just steadily gained after baby #2 (who is almost 5, btw). And it’s not like I haven’t been “trying” to lose . . . just not that zealously. Spring always turns my mood around as well, though. I’m really hoping this spring will finally do the trick. My depression also stems from misery at my job, which I hope to at least have a PLAN to change soon. It’s really time to turn this frown upside down, methinks.
I am very happy that the lovely spring weather has turned your mood to the upswing as well, Peg. Good luck to both of us for an improved mood and health very soonly.
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I know what you mean about the baby weight. Is it OK if I still use that excuse when my baby is 21?
I know you’ve been struggling with the job issues a lot lately. I hope you decide on the right choice for your family soon. Keep on keepin’ on, Misty!
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And I’m sitting here thinking I should up my dose. I’ve been whacked upside the head this year with change, unexpected and some expected, change. I’m fighting to find a new normal. I am now a caretaker of an elderly parent with dementia. There are days when I haven’t but one tiny shred of emotional energy left in me. But I’m learning to be thankful for the little things and the brief moments of joy. My garden is coming to life outside. I’m healthy. I have a job. Being an active partner in your recovery is key – you did that, and that’s what matters.
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I know you’ve gone through a hell of a lot of changes lately. And while you write about your new life with your mom with affection and humor, it can’t be easy. Here’s to counting our blessingss and enjoying the spring!
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Spring will bring much nourishment to my soul! Every day I see new examples of it all around.
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I love and admire your honesty and willingness to share your ramblings that so many can relate to. And though you have received accolades and awards already for your writing, today I nominated you for another award. A Sunshine Award! You can go to my blog to check it out.
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Thank you so much! Although I am much too lazy to ever follow the requirementss for awards, I really appreciate the shout-out.
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I thought of SAD immediately and was going to write a comment about it, and there it was! You figured it out. I just spent several weeks in Florida, and almost every morning when I woke up I felt bad, just sad, so I don’t think it’s SAD for me. I kept telling myself, I should be happy, I should feel so grateful to be able to be here, in this beautiful place. But it didn’t seem to work. I am thinking about researching bipolar disease, but I don’t think I have the up times. I have the down times and the okay times. Anyway, this was a wonderful, enlightening post and I am so glad you decided to write it and I am also glad I read it. It helps to know I’m not the only one! I hope it continues to improve for you and that you get over this period entirely.
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I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a rough go lately. I dont know your age, but the more I talk to other women, the more I think that is a significant part of the trouble. It sounds so trite, but there seems to be something to this midlife crisis business.
Hang in there – you’re not alone.
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Dear Peg-I didn’t read this till after I talked to you Sat. I am also having the same problem, seems like I can’t stop eating the sugar, and ,of course, it’s lethal for me. I only have one more bowl of candy to eat and then I’ll get back on track! Hang in there and know I am supporting you all the way-you too-Tar! Bring on the sunshine and warmer temps.
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“one more bowl of candy to eat” MK! You think just like I do. I sent all the Easter candy home with Judy cuz I know I can’t have it in the house…they I was desparate and went out and bought some afterwards! Pathetic.
I’m hanging in just fine – went for a lovely walk this morning. Hang in there yourself – we can do it! Just so no to sugar!
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I couldn’t get you on the phone so I was worried. Wanted to be sure you were well and safe. Glad that is so! Had a fabulous conversation with Gwen. Love you all. 🙂
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Oh sweetie, don’t worry. I swear I haven’t been in any danger. I’ve just been going through a little down patch, and who doesn’t? Glad you talked to Gwennie, though.
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So with you there Peg! I’ve had no problem losing that first 10 pounds. The the last 60 or so just seem to stick stubbornly to my belly!, My trips to the Y have been infrequent at best. Twice a week? I wish! I make far more trips to the CVS for my secret vice – who knew that “smarties” could be more addictive than crack? I suppose the time has come. Well, more than a few weeks ago really. Unless I plan to hide all this voluptuousness inside a burka I’d better get crackin!
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“smarties” -I so get that. They’re pure, flavored sugar. My personal downfall? GOod ‘n Plentys. I know.
Couldn’t find a pair of jeans in the closet that fit for a function tonight. Maybe I’ll bump into you when I’m shopping for my new spring wardrobe…at Omar the Tentmaker’s place.
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The best! We all identify.
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Thanks. It helps to know we’re not alone, doesnt it?
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I can really relate to the winter blues. We’re spending part of the winter in Arizona this year (as opposed to the frozen north of Canada) and I have to think that maybe it has changed my metabolism. I guess my body doesn’t feel it has to pack on winter fat to stay warm!
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I used to be on an anti-depressant, but was able to go off of it. But there are days now when I think I need to be on it again, but then, a lot of those days I’m just really tired, which affects my mood like that. Although, I think talking to someone (a “trained” someone) might help with my feelings of low self-confidence and such. But then, some days I don’t feel that way. Would kind-of like to be off the roller coaster. Sounds like maybe you are on the ride back up, so that is wonderful! I can relate to the whole something happening on a bad day that just turns your whole day around & how that feels. Good for you! (Sorry this is so disjointed!)
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WOW! I can absolutely SO relate, right down to the 1/2 price Easter candy I justify buying because it’s “on sale” and I’ll get it “for the kids” (even though the kids never get so much as a whiff of that candy). Spring being “in” all this week has really lifted my spirits & renewed my resolve as well. Thanks for sharing this post.
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I can totally relate to this post, Peg. I just came back from holidays and noticed with dismay that I had gained close to 15 pounds in the 3 months I was away. (Let’s just say I enjoyed myself??) The 1/2 price Easter/Halloween/Christmas/VDay aisles were also brutal for me until I realized I was allergic to dairy and cut it out completely. (All of that chocolate has dairy in it, so now I don’t even go there. Sad but a saving grace all the same.)
I really believe that weight is a symptom as well. I’m embarking on a self-care/self-love journey to see if loving and trusting my body FIRST, the way it is now, will help to unravel the sickening yo-yo dieting cycle I’ve been on and off since forever. I’ve never done any extreme dieting (i.e. eating nothing but All Bran for weeks on end), but I still seem to gain and lose the same 15 pounds over and over again. Something’s gotta give…
All of this said, I believe in you! Keep on walking and listening to the music that brings a smile to your face. When the love and trust is in place, you will reach your body’s ideal weight naturally and (nearly) effortlessly. (At least this is what I hope will happen. Fingers crossed, right?)
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Thanks for the words of support, Dana. I think you’re on to something with the self-love.
And I hope you ARE rested and refreshed after your long vacation and happy to be back home again, even with a few extra pounds.
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This post is so me. All of it. Losing 60 pounds, regaining 10 or 12, and loving spring and the walking. God, I’m SOOO glad it’s spring. I’ve missed walking–too much trucking in the snow and rain. Ugh.
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