The recent rash of bad behavior by certain United States federal agencies has left a bad taste in our collective mouths, but there is a bright side. These stains on the national honor have given rise to several new buzzwords that are quickly making their way into everyday usage.
For those who like to be on the cutting edge of language evolution, I got your definitions right here, along with an example of how each term is used.
DEA: A cruel and inhumane punishment.
Named for the agency who held a suspect in a cell for 5 days without food, water or basic toilet facilities.
Example: “If you don’t pick these toys up this instant, Billy, it will be DEA for you and I don’t mean maybe!”
GSA: A lavish, over-the-top celebration where money is no object.
Named for the $800,000+ convention this purchasing arm of the government threw for itself.
Example: “Tiff’nee went ballistic when her parents couldn’t get rapper 50 Cent for her Sweet 16 party. How could it be the GSA she deserved without top-name talent?”
HHS: The authoritarian trampling of the basic rights of the governed.
Named for a bureaucratic agency turning a non-medically necessary option into a right, then forcing others to pay for it despite their religious objections.
Example: “The owner of the kosher deli feared it was just a matter of time before the City Council went totally HHS, and forced him to sell BLTs.”
SEC: Viewing pornography online.
Named for the watchdogs of the financial industry who were busy downloading porn and fiddling while Rome burned 2 years ago.
Example: “You have to talk to Bobby, honey. I realize teenage boys are curious, but if he doesn’t spend more time studying and less SECing, he isn’t going to pass 9th grade!”
Secret Service: Illicit sexual behavior, usually for money (amount to be determined later.)
Named for the agency charged with guarding the president, who hired prostitutes while out of the country.
Example: “Johnny hoped there might be a little Secret Service action at the bachelor party, so he brought a pack of Trojans just in case.”
Government spokespersons would not comment on the likelihood that more new words were in the offing, but informed observers say that is all but guaranteed.
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