2011 was not a good year for us, financially. I know we’re not alone.
Our stock funds went down the toilet, our house is worth less than we owe on it and the bank now sends me a statement each month demanding that I pay THEM for holding onto my savings. The only bright spot in this financial gloom-fest is that our bonds are still holding their own. I don’t think two, $25 savings bonds are going to take us far in retirement, however.
I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of other investment options like:
- Gold – those serious guys in the suits on TV look trustworthy
- A time-share in Branson, Missouri – with entertainment like The Baldknobbers on tap, I’m pretty sure this will hold it’s value
- First National Bank of Serta – at least I won’t lose money if it’s stuffed in my mattress.
Yup, things were looking pretty grim for the Peg-o-leg family, but then my prayers were answered. Four fabulous investment opportunities rained down on me, just like manna from heaven (which I understand is the edible equivalent of big flakes of dandruff. I always got sidetracked from the important message of that Bible passage when I was a kid; because the thought of eating dandruff made me want to barf).
These opportunities showed up right in my inbox. My spam inbox, to be precise.
I can’t decide which one to go with, so I’d appreciate any advice. These are kind of long, but I reproduced the entire emails in case you want to read all the details. I’ve highlighted what I think are the important parts.
1) Dear Friend,
I find it pleasurable to request your partnership in business; I want to solicit your assistance and honesty to receive money on my behalf. The reason am contacting you is because my status would not permit me to do this alone.
I will send you the full details and more information about myself and the funds. If interested, please reply through my alternate Email:xxxxxx
Details of my proposal,
I am Timothy F. George, Director for Credit & Marketing, Chong Hing Bank Hong Kong, Chong Hing Bank Centre, 24 Des Voeux RoadCentral, Hong Kong. I handle all our Investor’s Direct Capital Funds and secretly extract 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor’s Capital Funds. As an expert, I have made $98.6Million over time from Investor’s EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the funds as Tenure Investment Proceeds.
Brief history of funds: I have more than 208 Corporate Investors attached to my portfolio whose Capital Investment Funds are being managed and administered by me. This Capital Investment Funds has a value of over US$19.2Billion net. The US$19.2B is been used for trading in Stock Market, Crude Oil and Lending with Profit Returns. Every end of year, each corporate investor is expected to receive interest from his total Investment Capital Funds. However, I make an excess of 1.2% from the Investor’s Investment Capital Funds annually which have exceeded our targeted 20% of TotalInvestment Capital Funds. This extra of 1.2% from the 21.2% is been retained by me as my personal profits for managing the Capital Investment. However, I cannot claim these funds without presenting someone to stand as an Investor otherwise our establishment will convert the funds into the company’s treasury. This is why I have come to you for the deal to take place.
This is a fair deal without any risk attached either on your part or on my part as long as we comply with the laws governing the claiming of funds in our establishment. I do not want you to come down to sign the Investor’s Funds Release Order because you cannot defend the source of the funds during the signing as our remittance department may decide to ask you some salient questions which you may not answer correctly thereby jeopardizing the transaction. Therefore you will inform our establishment that you will not be able to come down for the signing. I will work with an attorney to perfect all arrangements in your favour and the funds will be paid to you for our own use.
Please if you are interested to continue with this project, I demand you to get back to me so as we can proceed towards the positivity of this project through my direct email:
Timothy F. George
2) Dear Beloved,
Let me first introduce myself to you, I am a citizen of Sudan but currently staying in Burkina Faso. My name is Miss Mariam Justin Yak, 24years old originated from Sudan. I got your E-mail address/profile through my internet search from your country national chamber of commerce when I was searching for a good and trust worthy person who will be my friend and I believe that it is better we get to know each other better and trust each other because I believe any good relationship will only last if it is built on truth and real love.
My father Dr. Justin Yak Arop was the former Minister for SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr. Justin Yak and my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials had been on board when the plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008. You can read more about the crash through the below site: xxxxxxx
After the burial of my father, my uncles conspired and sold my father’s properties to a Chinese Expatriate and live nothing for me.
On a faithful morning, I opened my father’s briefcase and found out the documents which he have deposited huge amount of money in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself.
On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father’s instruction to the bank was the money is release to me only when I am married or present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me.
More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me. The amount is $8.4 Million and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso. You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies.
It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to yourself.
Miss Mariam Justin Yak
3) Dear Selected Winner
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of £800,000 (Eight Hundred Thousand (British Pounds) in the first category of the year 2012 UNITED KINGDOM NATIONAL LOTTERY programs. The online cyber lotto draws was conducted from an exclusive list of 250,000 e-mail addresses of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search from the internet, no tickets were sold.
After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as one of the two winners in the category \”D\” with the following winning information:
REF No: UK/9876125
BATCH No: 2012MJL-01
TICKET No: 20511465463-7644
Contact our fiduciary agent for claims with:
Agents Name:Mr.Andrew Morgan
Telephone:+44 702 4089 405
Fill the below:
1. Full Names:
3. Marital Status:
8. Country of Residence:
9. Telephone Number:
4) HI, I want you to keep this transaction secret. I am a Banker at National Commercial Bank Libyan, My name is Ismail Ibrahim Faraj, I want us to collect US$ 9,370,000.00 belonging to late: SAIF AL-ARAB GADDAFI, See more here: xxxxxx which he deposed in our Bank before he died. Reply me for more information how we can work together. sorry for my Bad english.
I jotted down some impressions of these offers:
1) Dear Friend: What really impresses me about Mr. George is that he’s obviously a high-powered financier. He stresses several times how he picked me for my honesty. That really makes me feel like I can trust him. I’m not sure what he meant that he “secretly extracted” the money, but it’s probably a banking term. The closing demand, is a little abrupt for my tastes. But I like the way “proceed towards the positivity” rolls off the tongue.
2) Dear Beloved: Miss Yak has such a sad and moving story about how her parents died. Now her uncles are trying to rip her off or maybe even kill her – it’s like a soap opera! She’s looking for a new family and a fresh start here in The Land Of Opportunity for herself and her $8.4 million. It’s more about love than money, really.
3) Dear Selected Winner: I don’t remember entering this contest, but you know how bad my memory is getting. This seems like a no-brainer. All I have to do is provide a little information, like my social security number, bank account and PIN numbers, and they’ll send me 800,000 pounds! That’s not the same as American dollars, but it’s still probably a lot of money, right?
4) No Salutation: It’s kind of rude not to have a salutation. In fact, the whole tone of this email is rather disturbing. I think he means he has Muammar Gaddafi’s money. He was a really bad man, so maybe it’s ok to take this – after all, he’s not going to need it. But I still can’t help feeling that it’s stealing. What to do, what to do?
I’ve received a couple dozen more such offers since these 4 emails showed up a few weeks ago. I seem to be on some sort of list of trustworthy investors. (Note to self: call my Internet Service Provider to find out why all of these emails ended up in my spam folder.)
Hobos used to roam from town to town in the USA during The Great Depression. When they found a place that would give them a meal or a place to stay, they put a mark that looked like a cat on the side of the house. This told other hobos “A kind lady lives here”.
I like to think the cyber community has put a little drawing of a kitty cat on my email inbox, which shows that I am an investor who can be trusted. That means a lot to me.
That’s just what Alpha Isoko said when he contacted me from the Bank of West Africa. He needed to move $5.5 million from an account in his bank to the US. It’s not stealing because the depositor and everyone in his entire family died in the same plane crash (how sad!) I sent $2,000 to get the paperwork going and, in return, I’ll get 40% of the fortune.
I should hear from Mr. Isoko any day now. Then all my money worries will be over! I must ask my new friend if he knows Miss Yak or Mr. George.
HEY! This is me bugging you about the writing competition once more. Look up top, look to the right, look down below…look anywhere on the blog for details and to read the entries so far. You’ve only got til Friday to submit the next, Pulitzer-winning entry.
Isn’t it an amazing coincidence? – I ALSO won the British lottery!
What are the odds that the 2 winners would know one another???
Think of all the great jackets you’ll be able to buy at Goodwill when all that money starts rolling in!
I’ll be kickin’ it up a notch – K-Mart for me from now on!
I thought I was the only “Beloved” for Miss Yak. Hmph!
The poor woman is just looking for a trusted friend!
here kitty, kitty…here, kittykitty
Now I feel kinda bad that I x-d out their email addresses so all the rest of you couldn’t get in on this action.
I am so glad that you are so honest. I know you are equally generous and will gladly give you my banking details.
Hey, that’s just what I said! If you can’t trust investment advisors you don’t know, from countries you’ve never heard of, who want your help in cheating someone…who can you trust?
Whew! Thank goodness these folks arrived in your inbox!
Fate, providence…call it what you will, but it was great timing.
None of these emails were from the Nigerians. I don’t trust anybody but the Nigerians. (PS I bought some gold. I haven’t looked, but I’m pretty sure the value has actually dropped since. I waited too long. Sigh.)
I’ve got a mittful of Nigerian opportunities as well. I’ll be sure to check them out first; thanks for the good advice, friend!
Wow, your blog must really impress some spammers out there. So far, LA Weight Loss and some male performance enhancement folks are the only big names tapped into my blog!
So far no investment opportunites on the blog, these just came in my email. The blog folks DO offer a wide assortment of products, don’t they?
Some of these spam offers are so moving. Do you think they think if they go into this level of detail, it automatically lends legitimacy to the offer?
I hope it amuses you to know I was eating my sandwich when I read the dandruff part. LOL 😉
Sorry about the sandwich. The thing that I wonder is, they must have some success with all this crap or there wouldn’t be so many sending so much to so many, right?
Wow. You are SO frickin’ lucky, Pegolina. All I get for spam are people trying to sell me ‘massage vibrators’ or empty promises that I can increase the size of my penis.
You don’t think you can really increase the size of your penis? What a skeptic.
can someone send me the link
tee hee hee. Don’t waste your money though, Joe. Darla already tried it and it didn’t work for her.
Thanks for the heads-up!
It is funny though they can achieve so many other thinkgs in surgery but they have never conquered this, think of the money they would make if they focused their attention on that
Well, I had my hopes. Sigh.
I have a new vision of spammers as internet hobos journeying through cyberspace carrying their belongings in a bandana attached to a stick. Quite different from how I used to think of them.
That DOES make them seem more quaint and picturesque, as opposed to opportunistic, scummy, scam-artists devoid of conscience, eh?
It would take a cold-hearted, skeptical, anti mom and apple pie person to turn their back on someone who is about to be assassinated by their uncle. And you would get 1.68 million dollars and another sister to boot? You are a great (and financially savvy) American, Peg.
I like to think of myself as a kind lady, Al. Going home to ready the guest room for my new sissy.
Thank you on behalf of all North Americans for taking positive steps to foster these sorts of relationships within the global community. Cross-country friendships will be established, and the 800,000 British Pounds you could earn are beside the point, really. 😉
It’s like I’m a one-woman U.N – you’re so right, Dana!
I love “Miss Mariam Justin Yak” — the name, I mean. She should be a character in a children’s book, or a limerick:
Poor Miss Mariam Justin Yak
has a family that’s all out of whack.
All she needs is a friend
who is willing to lend
her some cash in a brown paper sack.
Ha ha ha! I THOUGHT that name was familiar – I read about her in a Dr. Seuss book.
Mad, mad talents there, Laura.
Hahaha. I can’t get over the “Dear Beloved, Let me first introduce myself to you”. Like walking up to a stranger at the super market, “Hello lover, may I cut you in line?”
Hey, that might work, Tori! Give it a try and then tell us all about it.
I’m hoping you have tongue firmly in cheek and don’t actually fall for this crap. Especially the Nigerians – I think they are the ones with the “your (fill in family member name) is stranded and needs money to get home” phone scams. Don’t do it!!!
PS – I didn’t get an email notification of this post, or other blogs I follow. Hmmm…
It can be really sad, though. Our neighbor has advanced dementia. The first her family suspected she had a problem was, they discovered she was getting all these scam solicitations in the mail and sending money to all of them. She couldn’t process the difference between real bills and scams. She went down to the Western Union office to send some money, and thank God a Good Samaritan who worked there thought something was wrong and called the police, who called her family.
She’s 2 years older than I am.
If you need a partner, LMK! lol
Sure, you can provide the upfront money, and I’ll handle the correspondence. We’ll split the millions right down the middle, ok?
If I had a dime for every email I received like the ones you mentioned ….
Sadly, some people fall for the emails. Breaks my heart. Those dingle-dorks. *sigh*
Very true. See my reply above to Tar-buns about my neighbor. This woman used to babysit my kids when they were little, and now she can’t even talk or walk. So sad.
Congratulations on your impending fortune! Now, I have some swampland property…
I’ve got plenty of swampland, thanks anyway. But I am in the market for a bridge…
That sounds dangerously close hard work, Peg.
All I had to do for my $ was forward an e-mail Bill Gates sent to me to a few friends.
That Microsoft market research money will be rolling in any day now.
I knows it.
These emails are priceless, as is your commentary on them! You know people fall for this stuff fairly often if the spammers keep spamming. Maybe you should start a similar spamming scheme to make a little dough on the side. Oooh…that has great blog post potential!
Is it okay that I was breaking into ‘What’s It All About, Colin?’ Not as well known, but a better song all around, I feel.
You can break into any song you want – that’s just how we roll here. Although if it were “What’s It All About, Colon?” I’d suggest a trip to the gastroenterologist.
Ah, the songs of the digestive tract. An under-represented genre, I feel. ‘Quit Playing Games With My Duodenum’ and ‘Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Break You Down – Without Bile’ are two of my favourite hits.
You guys are bustin’ my chronically ill gut. Hilarious.
Please don’t tell me I made the wrong decision to invest in Greece? They promised they’d pay me back.
Funny, that’s just what Germany is saying!