Colon Blow: Day 5

Welcome to my nightmare.

Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot… for most people, this is just a little ditty that school kids sing.  For me, it’s daily life.

The hubby and I and a group of friends threw a party last weekend.  It was a mid-winter beach party with a band and everything.  Each of us was supposed to bring an appetizer and a dessert and were assigned a main dish.

I got beans.

My MO for baked beans is to start with canned and doctor them up.  I know there are those who swear by hamburger in these, but I use bacon – that’s just how I roll.  When I got ready to cook on Saturday afternoon I was worried that we wouldn’t have enough.  I phoned Bill and said, “Could you stop on the way home and pick up 2 more big cans?”

I fried up bacon, sautéed onions, added dried mustard and got the concoction simmering.  When Bill came home he found me slaving over a huge pot of simmering beans amidst a mountain of empty cans. 

“Why did you want me to get more?” He asked incredulously, and plunked two, cafeteria-sized cans on the counter.  When I said “big” cans, I had in mind 24 oz as opposed to 12 oz (and as opposed to the 128 oz ones I got), but the more the merrier.

“I figure we’ve got about 75 people coming, and according to the info on the cans, I only have servings for 60.”  I said worriedly  “I would hate to run out.”

Bill gave me “that” look.  He doesn’t even think he HAS “that” look, but he does, and he employs it far too often.   “Not everybody is going to eat beans.  And even if they do, as I remember, this is not going to be the only item on the buffet.”

I hate it when gets all “voice of reason”. 

“Some might want seconds.  Better safe than sorry.” I said loftily, brushing a sweat-soaked hank of hair out of my eyes.  I commenced welcoming the beany newcomers to our legume hot tub party.

I was glad to have Bill to carry the 50-pound pot of beans upstairs to where the party was happening. I brought a crock-pot full to get things started, and a huge stockpot full with which to refill the crock-pot. 

The party was great!  Some of those who were supposed to attend couldn’t make it, but everybody there had fun.   I danced my fool head off, making sure to check the bean situation periodically.  They didn’t seem to be disappearing quite as quickly as I had hoped.  I didn’t discover the full extent of the calamity until the end of the evening when we were cleaning up and the wine started to wear off.

Looked like maybe only 1 cup of beans (2, tops) had been eaten.

If we’d thought this out better ahead of time, we ladies would have come prepared to split up the leftovers.  But we didn’t.  Each of us took home whatever she brought. The only bright spot is that it’s a lot easier to carry a 50-pound pot of beans down the stairs than up.

I guess I should save some pity for the woman who left with 30 pounds of barbecue, or the one who had 10 packages of hamburger buns.  Someone else ended up with enough lettuce to feed a herd of bunnies for a month, and yet another had tray upon tray of brownies, cutout cookies and lemon squares.  OK, forget about that last woman – pitying her would just be crazy.  When I think of the ½ pan of brownies I had left over… and did I bring them home with me?  No, I did not.  I offloaded them onto the dessert lady in some wine-induced determination to keep eating healthy.  Instead of brownies…

I got beans.  BOY do I got beans.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it; the last 5 days have been rough. 

At first it was like living the cowboy life, with Cookie rustling up a mess ‘o beans over a campfire out on the trail.  Git along, little doggie!  As time goes by, though, I feel more like one of the pioneers in the Donner party, looking assessingly at the horses pulling the covered wagon as a possible entrée item.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m actually considering eating the Silken Tofu that sits on the back of the shelf in my refrigerator.  (I purchased it in a moment of healthy fervor and fully intended to use it…at the time).  Note to self: never go grocery shopping right after working out; you make bad choices.

I KNOW that beans are an excellent source of fiber.  But lets not forget the impact a steady diet of beans has on the digestive system.  I don’t wish to be indelicate, but if you were considering stopping by our house and you have any sort of respiratory issues, I suggest you postpone your visit.  The air quality around here may not meet EPA standards.

There are only so many ways to eat beans.  I oughta know.  I’ve been wracking my brains to figure out how to work them into meals in new and exciting ways.  The good news is that we’re down to the last, big container.   The end is finally in sight for From Here To Bean-ternity.

Time to wrap up this post.  I can’t hear myself think over the gurgling sounds emanating from my lower bowel.  Besides, I need to get supper started.  If you’re in the neighborhood you’re welcome to join us.  We’re having Crepes Beanette.

About pegoleg

R-A-M-B-L-I-N-G-S, Ram...Blin!
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83 Responses to Colon Blow: Day 5

  1. Giggling hysterically . . .


  2. Zarchaspo says:

    Tharrr she blows 🙂


  3. joehoover says:

    Love beans, never jazzed them up though but liking the idea, I’ll stick to just the one can though.

    I know many people who hate them and if they get a drip of bean juice near their plate they freak out


  4. Too funny. And I will not be able to ever cook up a batch of beans without the phrase, “… legume hot tub party …” coming to mind! If it makes you feel any better, a friend and her hubby (who’ve been adding lots of beans to their diets for other reasons) told me that the more you eat, the more your system gets used to digesting them and the uhhh … discomfort … or purchases of Bean-o … eases up. The good news is they’re loaded with magnesium (which apparently, almost everyone needs more of — I am told it is a mineral so vital to the absorption of calcium, muscle and hormone functioning, that it ought to be included in water or something … the way iodine is added to salt! Even if you get enough magnesium through other sources, the carbonation in one soft drink can leach (sp?) it out of your system and it’s the kind of mineral you don’t have to worry about getting too much of — and if you do ever feel like you’re in a Milk of Magnesia commercial, you know you’re getting a wee bit too much.)

    Yow. Didn’t mean to write an entire Dr. Oz segment here. I know about this because my hubbie had some success in using magnesium supplements to ease occasional migraine headaches (possibly brought on by medical prattle!). And I got acquainted with it because this miracle mineral helped stop pre-term labor long enough to successfully usher my darling daughter into the world. Beans are a really good source, and not the only way to get magnesium… they also have yummy lemon-raspberry flavored packets of something called “Naturally Calm” that I found at Whole Foods. (And no, I am not a paid magnesium industry spokesperson … just a curious and magnesium-grateful human bean!)


    • pegoleg says:

      I did not know that about magnesium. I am trying to be more aware of what is in the food I eat, not just the calories, so that’s good advice. I also wondered if the body ever got used to this diet, or if certain cultures who eat a lot of beans just learn to turn the other nostril…if you get my drift (as you will if you stand down-wind from me.)

      I don’t know that I have ever heard someone refer to themselves as a magnesium-grateful human bean.


    • Spectra says:

      Magnesium is a magnificent little mineral – thanks for the oratory; it was educational, and I am now hungrily eyeing my magnesium tabs with a hungry lust. Magnesium also helps your body take up/absorb other nutrients. I find, for me, it hastens the utilization of B-vitamins, and my energy increases ten fold throughout the day. Although I like all the bean varieties out there… just not the ‘aftermath’.


  5. gojulesgo says:

    hahaha my girlfriends and I were just discussing last weekend how difficult it is to plan the right amount of food. You’ll be glad to hear (and be sure to share this with Mr. The LOOK) we all stand firmly in your beany camp – more is always better!

    Your process sounds very much like mine = baconnnnnn. I like to put some chopped up (uncookied) in the beans, then strips on top, and bake it for a really long time.


  6. bigsheepcommunications says:

    You’re tough – I would’ve dumped the leftovers!


  7. Spectra says:

    I make baked beans pretty much like you- and the bacon must be (lightly) cooked! Mustard, minced onion, then I go crazy, adding a little brown sugar, honey or mollasses and a shot of ketchup. Of course, I’ve never made fifty pounds of it. Chili freezes and reheats beautifully, so I wonder if baked beans will do the same? It would’ve been funny to feed it to the squirells. Farting squirells has just gotta be entertaining, watching their fluffy tails blow upwards throughout the day, like little wind/gas sails.


  8. LonBonBon says:

    I have a serious hankering for some beans now…


  9. BEANS!
    My wife gets all upset when I eat them right out of the can.
    Hobo style.
    I don’t get it. Seems classy enough to me.
    And there’s less ‘stuff’ to lug around in the old stick and bindle.


  10. Hysterical! I was looking for a good vegan source of protein. Guess what? BEANS. Where do you live?


  11. Chrystal says:

    O.M.G. This is too funny! I have done exactly the same thing for a potluck party – more than once! Why don’t I learn? The # of servings on the can must be completely wrong. Or else they expect everyone to eat 3 times as many beans as people actually eat. I always end up bringing more than 1/2 of my pot o’ beans home. (although I don’t usually put bacon in them, because invariably, there is at least one vegetarian in the group, and I want them to be able to enjoy as many baked beans as they would like!)


    • pegoleg says:

      I’m such a committed carnivore, I hadn’t thought about vegetarians – good point to remember. Maybe the # of servings are based on this being the one and only course of the meal? I have a couple of appetizer recipes that never have leftovers, so maybe I should just make them.


  12. Beans, beans, the magical fruit
    “Why yes, I need more honey!
    To the store you will scoot”

    “Will I have enough?”
    Pegolicious did doubt.
    Or will we spend the weekend running around
    Farting like all get-out?


    • pegoleg says:

      Ha ha! Is this Rhyming Day in Maine? Some sort of mid-winter-because-we’re-stuck-in-the-frigid-snow-and-about-to-kill-one-another traditional day of poetry? Because I just gotta say… I like it. Great idea!


  13. This is hilarious!! The humor in your post combined with the visual of Spectra’s farting squirrels just about made me wet my pants!! The dog and two cats ran to my side at the laptop to find out what was causing such a reaction!! I pretty much save the baked beans (with finely chopped raw bacon) for the July 4th picnic and Illumination Night (when we all decorate the houses with Christmas lights in August). I don’t think I will ever eat beans, or even look at a bean casserole, the same way again!!!


  14. Margie says:

    The upside, I guess, is that you didn’t also cook40 pounds of ham. At our house, leftover ham and beans, is one definition of eternity…


  15. Laura says:

    You need to get together with the same group of friends and have a follow-up party where people are only allowed to bring leftovers from the last party.


  16. notquiteold says:

    Surely there must be some irregular poor people who could really use your donation.
    In the meantime… do beans freeze well?


  17. Dana says:

    Adding a vegetarian’s voice to the pot/legume hot tub party:
    1. I enjoy beans and can attest to the fact that the more of them you eat (over time– 50lbs in one week probably does not qualify), the less likely they are to cause digestive system carnage.
    2. Silken Tofu is totally gross. Anything that you can buy on a shelf and leave on your non-refrigerated shelf for eternity afterward, without it going bad, is suspect. (Tofu is usually in the cold section!) The best thing I can suggest for the Silken is tossing it into a smoothie and then convincing your mind that you *didn’t* just toss a block of tofu into your smoothie. It’s not so bad, and when I served it to my friends who didn’t realize it was chock full of tofu, they didn’t even flinch. 1 pkg Silken + hella lotsa raspberries/strawberries + 1 banana + orange juice to thin out the consistency a bit = half decent smoothie with a “silky” texture. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 😉


    • pegoleg says:

      Dana, did you just have a bunch of pictures of mushrooms on your blog with a recipe for soup and an explanation of why I want your mom to come visit me with a basket full of organic produce? I followed a “Dana” to that blog thinking it was you, but the header picture was different from the last time I was there. I got scared and ran away.

      Good idea on the tofu, and I have heard that about beans – seems absence makes the colon grow grumblier. Actually, one of my (and one kid’s) favorite recipes is white beans and spinach. Cook a little garlic and finely chopped onion in a little olive oil, then add a can of great northern white beans (drained) and heat. Add a little vegetable stock so it doesn’t stick, just a splash of vinegar, then handfuls of spinach until they wilt. Add salt and pepper – yummy!

      Y’all didn’t know I was Julia Child, hmmm?


      • Dana says:

        Late to the comment reply scene. Yes, it was my blog with the mushrooms on it recently. Oh, fungi– how I love thee!

        I’ve been changing the pics up top a lot lately. I had the same header for 2 years or so, and now I can’t make up my mind on the new keeper.


  18. Great story and well written too!


  19. k8edid says:

    I laughed and coughed, and laughed and coughed…then I went back to bed and dreamed of vats of baked beans.


    • pegoleg says:

      You’re still sick? Poor, poor baby! Try dousing those beans with Vick Vaporub – that will get things going.


      • k8edid says:

        mentholated beans don’t really sound all that appealing…although I will be trying your white bean/spinach dish soon. I am feeling better, dragging my miserable coughing self around, trying to spread germs as much as possible. It’s how I roll.


  20. Angie Z. says:

    I love beans but I don’t love beans as much as you’re gonna the next several days 🙂 Can’t you just mash them up with some cumin and spread them into tortillas with Monterrey cheese, roll ’em up and then freeze them with some wax paper in between? Then you can pull them out whenever you’re in need of a quick meal.

    What the hell did I just do there? Excuse me, let me just go change out of my June Cleaver apron…


    • pegoleg says:

      Wow. I seriously don’t know what to say here, June. First I’m tossing off my famous White Beans & Spinach recipe, now you’re contributing thrifty, tasty meal ideas for the family on a budget. Let’s start a magazine!


  21. Bill The Praise and Worship Guy says:

    Peg, you have become a valuable supplier of methane to our energy-starved country. Thank you for supporting our efforts to become energy independent. That’ll teach that Obama character to nix that pipeline!!!!


  22. Barb says:

    I can’t eat beans anymore. I can’t control the timing of when they make it through my digestion system. I see many casseroles in your future. Just had a baby? Here’s a nice homemade bean dish. Funeral? Surgery? “I made you a casserole.”
    You’ll be known as the most thoughtful, though musical, women in town. Good luck


  23. Tar-Buns says:

    Beans, beans, the magical fruit
    The more you eat, the more you toot.
    The more you toot, the better you feel, so
    Eat your beans at every meal!
    Remember that? Seems like you have achieved said poem 🙂


  24. Lenore Diane says:

    Hey… isn’t there a song about beans and tooting?! Ha. Kidding.

    This was hilarious. I’m reminded of my Mom’s comment one afternoon, “I’m tooting like a tug-boat.” Oh that slays me. May the tug boats find port soon, at least until the next bean meal.


  25. Al says:

    I wonder if you would mind if I set up a Beano concession on your front lawn. I’ll cut you in for 10%.


  26. Sandy Sue says:

    I’m *behind* in my reading, so you’ve probably *ripped* through the rest of your gas-stash by now. Whoo-wee! Light a candle and pull my finger, girl!


  27. Amy says:

    This reminds me of the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles! Too funny!


  28. lexiemom says:

    OMG!!! That was roll-on-the-floor funny! Sorry about your issue, though. My only suggestion is “bean-o”.


  29. pattisj says:

    ROFL! Oh, Peg, I feel your pain.


  30. You are not only a gifted writer, you’re also hilarious! LOL 🙂
    It is my pleasure to share with you The 7 x 7 Link Award. There is no need for you to do anything with it, other than to just enjoy it and take it as a compliment. Have a great day! 🙂


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